FROM 'SHIPS TO SHIT: HOW URBAN MEYER BROKE OUR BRAINS/HEARTS/CHILDREN

Urban Meyer's inability to fail faster frustrated even him.

When Urban Meyer took over the Florida Gators in 2005, he found himself at a bit of a crossroads. He was handsome, had a beautiful family, was professionally successful, and was being tasked with revitalizing one of the most prosperous college football programs of the 1990's. But there was something else he didn't have: the smug satisfaction of instituting a culture of distrust and sybaritism, discouraging kids from even going through the motions of the charade of being student athletes, and perhaps most damning of all, insisting their blood reach and maintain criminally high THC parts per million levels.

"No one player on this team is above the law; they're all above the law," Urban Meyer seemed to say without ever saying it or implying anything remotely along those lines.

But how deep did it go? How many lives were ruined by the tyrannical national championship crusade of Urban F. Meyer, the Conqueror, war criminal(?) ?

Circle Jerk

Urban Meyer eyeballed the distance with his gaze giving way to the blood red horizon. In a conversation unquestionably potentially maybe like this very one, a 'Circle of Life' was evoked, sowing the seeds for what would poison the well of goodness and light that the false prophet had long propagated.

"Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom," Meyer told his young son. "Wow," the son replied. "A coach's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new coach," Meyer may have said. "And this'll all be mine?" the surely not fictionalized young Meyer replied. "Everything." "Everything the light touches..."

Football maker of plays and noted marijuana enthusiast Percy Harvin perhaps looked on at the conversation and laughed. Knowing he was above the rules was liberating for Harvin. By being of the program but not in the program, Harvin could get away with anything he wanted, anytime. In a marijuana fueled haze, he once stole multiple cars, murdered plural ladies of the night in cold blood, and ran dangerous, illicit missions for criminals notorious for their mob ties in the seedy underbelly of somewhere called "Liberty City", which would surprise no one as being rough and tumble gang slang for the rough and tumble ghettos of Gainesville, Florida.

Truth hurts but sometimes a painful operation sans even general anesthesia is the only way for the healing to truly begin.

Ballstorm in Gainesville

"They were all smoking dangerous street drugs and choking coaches and doing all of their homework with the help of Wikipedia," said some bitter injured backup no one ever heard of who got a mercy invite to Florida's pro day because why not. "I read OverSigning.com and began to think I had lyme disease."

Said everyone reached for comment on this article without exception "Urban Meyer will do great things at Ohio State," but it's what wasn't said that could shake college football to its very core.

That one All-American future NFL player national champion contributor you used routinely on EA Sports' NCAA '09, '10, and '11 wasn't the only rotten apple. Some other All-American NFL Pro Bowler was said to urinate bong water before everything was said and done, causing his second contract in the NFL to collapse like a dying star to the tune of $1.25 million dollars lost over the value of the contract. His inability to purchase a third solid gold boat would haunt him for the rest of his natural life.

Re-'toot'ing and Flatulence Reaction

Despite a track record of excellence in recruiting and a near miraculous consensus top 5 class salvaged in his first go at it in Columbus, many believe Urban Meyer's specific brand of voodoo juju could clash with the black arts typically adhered to in the hedonistic hell mouth that is Central Ohio.

"He made me swear allegiance to Karnon, a pagan idol he constructed out of stolen diapers and wine bottles. I just wanted to do whatever it would take to keep him from hurting my family," one commit may have relayed to Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema in a dream just before he totally hooked up with 1994 Jennifer Aniston then woke from the sound of his own fart.

"As more of a Courtney Cox guy, I don't have a say in the subconscious decisions of any man," Meyer might've said on a FRIENDS fan fiction Usenet group had he ever been in to that sort of thing.

Meyer reportedly even had a binder labeled "Bucket List" he kept locked in a desk drawer. Inside was a copy of the Geneva Conventions. While Big Ten gentleman's agreements were one thing, international treatise and humanitarian by-laws insinuate that perhaps things aren't always what they seem.

"I love eating great food. As far as restaurants are concerned, Mark's in Gainesville is the best steak in town. Everywhere I've been, I've got somewhere I'm gonna go. There's a great boiled peanuts stand in Tift County, Ga., on I-75. Eddie V's in Austin, Texas. Phenomenal. Baton Rouge has several places," Will Muschamp said in an article discovered when Googling "random will muschamp quote" on popular search destination, Google.com.

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