The worlds of college football fans and NFL supporters are not wholly congruous. We disagree on many issues, such as whether you should pay all players for their efforts or if it can just be the skill position guys. But Ambassador Bobby Big Wheel will always be welcome here to help bridge our cultures, so long as he recognizes that the Super Bowl winner is not a champion because it receives the approval of ZERO computers. You could at least get a graphing calculator to sign off on things, Goodell.
- The Management
Hi college football fans, I hope you're handling the offseason OK. Your spring football games are a nice diversion, but for us NFL fans, the Draft all to slake our thirst until training camp opens. As you may know, the NFL Draft is coming up, and you may be curious as to what that is. Well, I've made this handy guide to what you can expect for your favorite players' (no more student athletes, but rest assured that the NFL is quite jealous of the NCAA's liability avoidance scam) next step.
NFL Draft: This is the NFL's form of recruiting. Because the NFL is the most successful socialist enterprise outside of Scandinavia, the WORST teams get the BEST players. It's like if Reggie Bush had to go to Washington State and Nick Saban was forced to play the guys he stashes at JUCOs for two years.
Agents: Because dirty money has to go somewhere, the NFL has "agents," which are similar to the "bagmen" your favorite team so often uses. In the NFL, agents are the ones making it so Cecil Newton doesn't miss another mortgage payment.
ESPN: Imagine if Rivals weren't as creepy but 20 times more annoying. Now you know what following the NFL Draft on ESPN is like!
Chris Berman: Indestructible gasbag who runs ESPN's NFL Draft coverage. Think Gary Danielson post-lobotomy, or Brent Musberger without the talent and inveterate drunken gambler charm.
Mel Kiper, Jr.: Yes, his hair is supposed to look like that. Also, the top three draft analysts in descending order of getting it right are Mike Mayock, Kiper, about 50 feet of dirt, then Todd McShay. Todd McShay is wrong about everything except where to buy Ed Hardy sunglasses.
Anyway, you might be wondering what your favorite players are getting into. I bet you were all like "Earl Thomas got drafted by Seattle? I thought Seattle was a type of horse!" So here's a breakdown of the NFL franchises with their closest college team analogues:
New England Patriots: Locals were mostly unaware of the team's presence until the mid-'90s and often make questionable sartorial choices. Most like: University of Florida.
New York Jets: Coach has fetishes for stirring shit and feet. Has not had official national championship in a while. Media is obsessed with the team due to star power of players and presence in a large, overrated city. Most like: University of Southern California.
Buffalo Bills: Remote location makes recruiting talent difficult. Coaches last long not due to ability but to institutional laziness. Most like: University of Iowa.
Miami Dolphins; Dan Marino fans that have been irrelevant for decades. People born after 1984 struggle to accept the fact that they once won a title. Most like: University of Pittsburgh.
Pittsburgh Steelers: If you meet one of their fans, you will probably hear about an inflated number of titles. Nobody who roots for the team has ever actually lived in Pittsburgh. Most like: University of Alabama.
Baltimore Ravens: The little brother to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Fans have an odd affinity for Zubaz. Nobody would ever want to live in Baltimore. Most like: Auburn University.
Cleveland Browns: Decades of grim, depressing incompetence. So bad that Tim Couch was the highlight of the team's existence. Most like: University of Kentucky.
Cincinnati Bengals: Mild George H.W. Bush-era success overshadowed by staggering run of incompetence that has followed, from which it occasionally has a fitful, brief recovery. Most like: University of Arizona.
Indianapolis Colts: Only relevant when a Manning is involved. The fanbase with the highest rate of adult-onset diabetes. Most like: Ole Miss
Tennessee Titans: Run by a bland dictator for years, followed by the questionable hire of an inexperienced offensive line coach. Most like: Kansas State University
Jacksonville Jaguars: Who? Most like: Purdue University.
Houston Texans: We're not really sure where they came from, but apparently they're good? We need to investigate this a little further. Most like: University of Oregon.
Oakland Raiders [for academic purposes only, Oakland has traded away all of its draft picks until 2017]: Affiliation with the team is akin to gang membership. The team's past bravado has made recent failures especially enjoyable: Most like: University of Miami.
Denver Broncos: Worships Peyton Manning, even though he never won a title for them. Lovers of orange and mountains. Irrelevant since 1998. Players manage to get into trouble in an otherwise dull city. Most like: University of Tennessee.
San Diego Chargers: The nice weather is endearing, but that fades away when you find out that the team is run by incompetent boobs. Most like: UCLA.
Kansas City Chiefs: Intimidating home crowd. History of postseason failure. Not afraid to appropriate Native American cultural tropes. Most like: Florida State University.
New York Giants; Recent run of success has made insufferable fans even worse. Coach is old and drips money from every orifice. Most like: University of Texas.
Philadelphia Eagles: Lack of championships means they have a major inferiority complex. Often beat their more successful, handsome, and well-endowed rivals. Willing to overlook dog murder. Most like; Virginia Tech.
Dallas Cowboys: We're really lucky they haven't won a title in decades, because their bandwagon fans are absolutely insufferable. Run by a fat guy in the late '00s, and it was really funny. Most like: University of Notre Dame.
Washington Redskins: Great recruiters of talent who struggle with the concept of "winning football games." Offensive mascot. Most like: Clemson University.
Green Bay Packers: Somehow keep winning out of a location where nobody would like to live. Fanbase a little too enamored of local agricultural commodities. Most like: University of Nebraska.
Chicago Bears: They won one title in the '80s and never shut up about it. At least you can listen to some decent music when you visit their city. Former coach probably involved in a Ponzi scheme. Most like: University of Georgia.
Detroit Lions: Bro QB. Never going to win a title, a fact fans are slowly coming around to. Most like: University of South Carolina.
Minnesota Vikings: Has had an entertaining string of high-powered offenses, embarrassing coaches and conference title game losses. Most like: University of Arkansas.
New Orleans Saints: Mentally unstable Cajun fans with a coach who plays by his own rules. Most like: Louisiana State University
Atlanta Falcons: Unable to marshal considerable resources for anything more than slightly-above .500 campaigns and postseason losses. Most like: University of Virginia
Carolina Panthers: They'd rather be watching Tar Heels basketball. Most like: University of North Carolina
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Famous for being epically bad during the '70s. 30 years later, they still can't sell out games. Most like: Northwestern University.
San Francisco 49ers: Former dynasty recently reinvigorated by having a decent coach for the first time in decades. Most like: University of Michigan.
Seattle Seahawks: They have a 12th man. To bad the 12th man has never made them relevant. Moved conferences. Most like: Texas A&M University.
Arizona Cardinals: Cool new stadium overshadowed by the fact that we're not sure anyone actually cares about this team. Most like: University of Minnesota.
St. Louis Rams: Once ran a really fun and exciting offense, only to slink into irrelevance. A right-wing cretin (Rush Limbaugh) tried to call the shots here. Most like: Texas Tech University.