Narrator: On this episode of Recruiting Wars, we’re in Port Arthur, Texas!


Lane: We’re hear today looking for some quality players. I have a family to feed, a store to run, I need players to keep the roster stocked.

Layla: With the scholarship limit what it is, we definitely need some of these players to pan out. Lane better not mess this up.


I’m sick and tired of this underhanded recruiting shit. Urban Meyer wants to come into my conference and start talking to my recruits? Fine. You want to take the gloves off, we’ll take the gloves off. I have money. I’m gonna go out there, wait for the right players, and then get two or three big running backs. I don’t need o-lineman or other crap to stock my shelves, I need big, powerful running backs. Some players that will really give me the ‘PLOW FACTOR.’

Narrator: Well, it being PORT Arthur….



Thought I’d bring out the ole vessel, because……..I’m here to plunder.


Jimmy Johnson: Ok, y’all know the rules, let’s get to the first player up for auction.


Jimmy Johnson: Let’s start the bidding at a 4-year scholarship and a harem of coeds.

Leach/Barry: A harem of coeds? In Pullman? Well, I’m out.

Layla (to Lane): This one looks promising.

Lane (to Layla): Nah, he’s like 14. That's too old.


Bielema: I’m in. 4-year schollie, a harem, and a case of High Life each week of the off season.

Jimmy Johnson: Do I hear no-show job? No-show job?


Jimmy Johnson: It appears I have a text message.

/takes out phone and reads text

Jimmy Johnson: "Dream"?


Dream? Jimmy, this a family show. This is no time for an ExtenZe tie-in.

/loud truck horn



LOL, you think I would skip my dream auction?

Lane: What the hell is that?

Todd Graham: This, Lane, is my dream machine.

(to Jimmy) A no-show job AND a harem for the road.

Jimmy: Going once…….twice…….SOLD.


Jimmy: Ok, ok, let’s move on to the next player.

Narrator: Turns out Todd wasn’t the only one to arrive late.

Introducing the newest members of the Recruiting Wars…..the stars of Storage Wars: Texas.




You think I'm gonna let these freaks from the Land of Fruits and Nuts come down here and beat out these toothless rednecks like I do? No. Not gonna happen. That’s my game. Scram freaks.



Keep smiling dwarf. Last I checked, I’m the king of the Pac-12.

Lane: Ugh…..hello?


Lane: Ugh.....nevermind.


Ok, let’s reveal our next player.



WOW, this is the running back I’m looking for. Look at the size, the power. He’ll look great behind my o-line.


I don’t what this guy’s thinking. That running back will put you at a schematic DISadvantage.


I’d send this fat fuck back to the buffet line so he can slowly die from diabeetus like his grandma and grandpa.


I’m trying to make a profit here. This kid can’t hoop. I’m out.

Chip Kelly: I love my running backs….


Will Lyles: You can say that again Chip.


…but this one just doesn’t do it for me. I need speed backs.

Todd Graham: I don’t want this fat fuck. I’m in the business of living and delivering dreams. This one has clearly dreams of birthday cake, and I probably won’t be around long enough to deliver one. Bielema can have this kid.

Jimmy Johnson: Let’s start the bidding.


$10k, a separate bank account for donut expenses, and a monkey to help him bathe.


Bielema: Make that two monkeys and Packers tickets.

Todd Graham: You can have him.

Bielema: Look at that size. Look at the power. That’s what I call the PLOW FACTOR.


Plow factor? Too bad it doesn’t snow in Pasadena.


Jimmy Johnson: Ok, player number three is a ladies man.


Lane: Look at all the girls. I can't even see this guy, but he must be amazing.

Layla: Calm down. We need to be smart about this.

Chip: I’m a little wary. A player clouded with smoke is totally up my alley, but women? You gotta tread carefully here.


Let’s start the bidding.

Todd Graham: $40k, more whores than he can shake a stick at, and a scholarship at whatever school I’m coaching in two months.

Lane: $80k, whores, and a movie career.


I can tell Lane really wants this one.


I’ll lick his toes.

Lane: I’ll lick his toes and call him G. K. Chesterton.


You win.

Jimmy Johnson: SOLD to Lane the Brain.

Layla: This guy better be good. I’m not OK with this shit.

Lane: Please be good, please be good, please be good


Lane: Shit.


Sup Layla?

Layla(to Bun B): Let’s get out of here.

Narrator: Tune in next week for another exciting episode of recruiting WARS.

/roll credits


Trooper: Yo, I bet some people are wondering how the fuck Auburn didn’t end up in a fanpost about buying recruits.

Chizik: LOL. Simple. We don’t shop out of the bargain bin.


Trooper: LOL….haters

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