GOING TO THE SHORE? A MICHIGAN MAN MUST HAVE HIS CRUISEWEAR
Though fallen gentlemen and the downsliding dregs of the hoi-polloi have shunned the stylistic necessities of the holiday, as always a Michigan Man holds fast to the notions rudely abandoned by lessers, and keeps the aspidistra of aesthetics flying singlehandedly. A trip to the subtropics? We must have cruisewear, supplied freshly by our tailors and delivered to the warrior-poet den in Ann Arbor smartly by our manservants. Travel would be cheap frolic under any other guise.
1.Matte finish. This was not previously approved by the Wolverine Homeowners Association, nor will you be given a variance for it after the fact. The Wolverine Homeowners Association Bylaws clearly state that "helmets should be bright enough to remind others that Michigan is the light of the intellectual world but not so bright as to evoke the painted whore."
2. Adidas logo. The design world's "Student Driver" sign on a car, letting you know that the person in charge of this is to be forgiven on the basis of incompetence, not deliberate malice.
3. Bright yellow pants. Perhaps you think this is a pedestrian safety thing, Michigan. But Florida law still permits hitting someone in a crosswalk and speeding away, thanks to a bill passed in 1987 by Governor DeathRace.
4. Outback Bowl patch. A tribute replica of the Coach Brady Hoke's signature tattoo on his left shoulder, and a touching appreciation of his leadership of Michigan football.
5. Football pants belt. It's an old Spurrier family tradition to poison anyone who shows up to an event without a belt made of ostrich skin. You won't even feel the needle shhhhh sleep now click clack.
6. Yellow letters. Rescue crews swear they're more visible against any backdrop.
7. Wristbands. Because shit, what isn't better with wristbands? Answer: NOTHING.
8. Hip M reinforces Michigan branding, and is also an edible piece of raspberry/pomegranate fruit leather that detaches for easy mid-game snacking.
9. Face mask. There's nothing unusual about it, but it will be the most valuable part of your uniform during the Pack Of Stray Dogs Hopped Up On PCP Halftime Show Presented By Checkers.
10. Evolution. Only snooty elitist Michigan would want you to believe Michigan football came from an ape!
11. Emotionless mannequin. Fearless. Loyal. Insusceptible to sexual deviance. He will never hug his children, for that would only slow them on the endless Sisyphean path that is GREATNESS. He is the perfect Michigan Man.
12. Cyanide capsule in mouthpiece. A Michigan Man is the master of his fate to the end.