8-BALL THE TIGER MEETS A CHILD AND SINGS A LULLABY

Clemson plays Virginia Tech this weekend in a very important ACC matchup. Clemson's mascot is here to commentate.

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HEY HEY HEY--

WANNA KNOW SOMETHING I LOVE KIDS I REALLY DO. ONE GAVE ME A CIGARETTE LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS AS COOL AS THE TASTE OF A MENTHOL IT WAS THIS KILLER MAN VERSUS HOG FIGHT IN CHARLESTON AND HIS NAME WAS TOMMY AND I SAID LIKE BOWDEN AND HE GOES LOL NO I HAVE NUTS AND A GUN AND THEN HE ASKED FOR EVERYONE'S MONEY. WE WERE REALLY COOL UP UNTIL THAT PART BUT THAT'S MAN-HOG FIGHTING FOR YOU. HOPE WE CAN HANG AGAIN SOMETIME SOON TOMMY EXCEPT FOR THE ROBBERY IT WAS REAL CHILL.

DON'T EVER SMOKE THOUGH. IT'S A TERRIBLE HABIT AND LEADS TO OTHERS OMG DO I SMELL POPCORN I HAVEN'T EATEN FOR THREE DAYS YOU JUST KIND OF FORGET KID SOMETIMES BECAUSE YOU PARTY ROCK AND PARTY ROCK AND SOMETIMES YOU PARTY ROCK YOURSELF INTO THE NEXT WEEK AND THEN YOU WAKE UP IN SIERRA LEONE AND YOU'RE LIKE "HEY WHERE AM I" AND SOMEONE'S LIKE "LOL SIERRA LEONE" AND YOU GO "SHE SOUNDS PRETTY" BUT SHE'S NOT AND SHE'S FILLED WITH DUDES IN WEDDING DRESSES AND AK-47S AND YOU'RE LIKE THIS IS THE WORST WEDDING EVER AND SOME CHINESE GUY JUST HANGING OUT I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHO HANGS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WEST AFRICA HELLHOLEISTAN WELL HE JUST WANTS TO TURN YOUR PENIS INTO BONER POWDER TO SELL TO CHINESE DUDES--

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--SHIT I SHOULDN'T SAY BONER AROUND A FUCKIN' KID SHOULD I SORRY KID BUT THE POINT IS WE PLAY VIRGINIA TECH AND WE NEED TO PLAY FAST NOT SLOW AND THAT MEANS LESS THINK AND MORE DO. MORE DOING LIKE TELLING THESE REALLY ANGRY GUYS IN ADMITTEDLY FLATTERING WEDDING DRESSES THAT YOUR NAME WAS LEON SIERRA AND THAT THE COUNTRY WAS NAMED AFTER YOU AND THAT THEY LEFT OUT THE COMMA IN THE MIDDLE AND THAT EXPLAINED ALL THE CONFUSION. THEY NOT ONLY LET ME GO BUT I GOT TO HANG OUT FOR A WHILE AND JUST TAKE IT ALL IN AND OKAY MAYBE INVADE GAMBIA BUT SHIT I'M SORRY KID SHOOT IF YOU HAVEN'T SWALLOWED A FISHBOWL OF WEST AFRICAN SPEED AND INVADED GAMBIA I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR JUDGMENT OKAY? JUST ASK DABO SWINNEY HE WAS THERE AND IS REALLY A SOUTH AFRICAN MERCENARY WITH A GREAT FAKE ACCENT OKAY NOT THAT GREAT BUT NO ONE NOTICED AND PROBABLY WON'T BECAUSE SOUTH CAROLINA ACCENTS ARE JUST RIDICK, AM I RIGHT AND I THOUGHT NO ONE WOULD BUY THE FAKE NAME BUT LOL SOUTH CAROLINA MAN--

[stares at child intensely for ten seconds silently]

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I'VE BEEN THROUGH THINGS!!!

...

...

SO THE POINT IS THAT WE NEED TO JUST PERSUV--PERSPICATE--PERAM--WE JUST NEED TO KEEP GOING OKAY JUST KEEP GOING EVEN IF WE HAVE LOST FIVE IN A ROW AND EVEN IF YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR THREE DAYS AND EVEN IF CHILD SOLDIERS YOU TOLD YOU WOULD PAY FOR YOUR FREEDOM MAY STILL BE LURKING OUT THERE THAT'S WHY I NEED YOUR BABY MA'AM YES THIS BABY OR TODDLER OR HALF-APE DON'T LOOK OFFENDED YOU DON'T HAVE TAILS THAT IS WHY YOU ARE APES. I NEED THEM TO DISTRACT THEM AND NO I WOULD NOT SELL THIS BABY IT'S MORE LIKE RENT-TO-OWN OR LAYAWAY I CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE BECAUSE AARON'S RENT-TO-OWN HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME AND IT'S BULLSHIT AND THEY CAN COME GET THAT FLATSCREEN BACK FROM ME AS SOON AS I GET THE HARPOON OUT FROM THE MIDDLE OF IT AND IF THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU INVITE TOP RECRUITS INTO TOWN THEN MAYBE THEY DON'T REALLY LOVE CLEMSON OR AMERICA.

IF ANYONE ASKS FOR LEON SIERRA--

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---OKAY IF YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE THE BABY YOU KEEP HER SHE SMELLS LIKE PEE AND WATER IS LEAKING FROM HER EYES WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ANYWAY YOU TELL THEM LEON SIERRA HAS A BAT AND HE'S BRINGING BAT-HELL WITH HIM IF THEY ASK HAHAHAHA CALL ME THE SPARKED KNIGHT. AND IF THEY DON'T SHOW UP I'M GONNA JUST GO BEAT OUT THE WINDOWS ON VIRGINIA TECH FANS' CARS TO LET THEM KNOW WHAT'S UP. YOU CAN'T TELL WHICH ONES ARE WHICH SOMETIMES SO I FIGURE I'LL JUST HIT THEM ALL AND LET CLEMSON FANS UPGRADE TO SOME SWEET TINTS WITH THE INSURANCE MONEY I GET THEM AND STOP CRYING LEMME SING YOU A SONG LITTLE GIRL--

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ROCK A BYE BABY

INSIDE A STUMP

THAT'S WHERE I PUT YOU

BECAUSE THERE ARE BEES

BEES AND STILL MORE BEES

ALL OVER THEY CRAWL

YOU NEED TO STOCK CANNED GOODS

BECAUSE IT'S JUST A GOOD IDEA, THAT'S ALL

 

[child wails with fear]

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