FINAL FRIDAY CHECKLIST

Just guys watching football and being guys. Can't wait. Beer and football and sandwiches and buttondowns and short spiky haircuts guys. He has a football in his hands because he is watching the footballs! Maybe they'll throw it and say "Nice catch bro here's my throw" and then they'll kiss what---

READ THIS? YOU SHOULD. It's a fine piece of television criticism, though we have to reserve some criticism of the criticism for ignoring an issue of serious concern to the commentariat.

2. Which college football announcer/s are the least appealing for you and why?

Mandel: Craig James and Jesse Palmer. James' glaring conflict of interest (more on that later) aside, it's still two ex-jocks glad-handing each other and spewing clichés for three-and-a-half hours. I feel bad for Rece Davis, a true pro, who spends Thursday nights wedged between those two and Saturdays moderating the Mark May-Lou Holtz circus act.

The mainstream media's refusal to clear the cloud of false allegations surrounding James continues. When will this madness end, we ask? Only the EDSBS Commentariat can say. 

After you finish dispelling untruths and scurrilous rumors, we suggest you finish doing a few things on this, the final weekend before the college football season swallows your life.

1. PAY YOUR BILLS. No, seriously, just write like a large number to your utilities and hope it covers the next three months or so. You'll have more important things to do: check fantasy stats, restock the liquor cabinet, or read informative football blogs. Prioritize cable and power: food can be stolen from neighbors, and liquor may be made from rotting garbage and ingeniuity. 

2. VISIT FAMILY MEMBERS. If they don't watch or enjoy football, you are about to become a ghost to them. Inform them of potential pregnancies, plans, and life changes now, and go ahead and give them Christmas presents. If they have a terminal illness, say your goodbyes with dignity just in case the Grim Reaper decides to take them in the second quarter of a conference matchup. 

3. GET A HAIRCUT. Preferably a really short one that can last for a good stretch. Wax your face if you can take it.

4. PURCHASE CORDIALS AND ACCESSORIES. You won't forget the beer and liquor during the season, but you damn well will forget to have lime, triple sec, tonic, steins, glasses, Solo cups, whatever. You'll forget those anyway once you're drinking straight rubbing alcohol out of the cabinet in the last month of the season, but your guests, man. Think of your guests.

5. PLANE TICKETS AND HOTELS. No really, this is quite serious, unless you like paying $700 for a ticket that normally costs $45 roundtrip.

6. TAKE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER OUT TO EAT. Stare longingly at their face. The face which is not the television over their shoulder, aka your mistress for the next 90 to 120 days or so.

Enjoy it. This is your last empty weekend before A THRILLING SLATE OF [YOUR HUGE UNIVERSITY] versus [LEGLESS CRAB THROWN INTO AN AQUARIUM WITH A HUNGRY OCTOPUS FOR CASH.]

*****ADDENDUM!!!*** DOWNLOAD THE SBNATION APP FOR YOUR iPHONE. It's a blatant product plug, but it's lightning fast and clean as hell. Ashton Kutcher likes it! We used it yesterday and it made our nipples incandescent with excitement!

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