FULMER CUPDATE: EVERYONE DOES EVERYTHING EDITION

Yahoo Sports' Charles Robinson still has a "10 out of 10" in the holster, a story one might call the Reggie Nelson or Boardmaster Brian of investigative man-hammers. The Fulmer Cupdate is extremely hectic this season. Please forgive the tardiness, but arrestables be bein' arrestable.

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WEST VIRGINIA. Before we get to anything else, let us just remind everyone that despite Auburn running away with this thing, Branko Busick, late of the West Virginia Mountaineers, didn't give up and hang up his thievin' hat. No, he kept grinding, disdainful of the lies on the scoreboard and determined to challenge Auburn all by himself. And he would have, had he not been kicked off after his first armed robbery and his second the following week. 

Busick, the son of WWE wrestler Big Bully Busic, took pistol-whipping ways to the freelance arena, and is now in jail for a really long time. As a tribute we can only give him the points awarded for felony armed robbery while a Mountaineer and the bonus points for pistol-whippin' and being so sincere and direct in your hustle. Five points to the West Virginia Mountaineers in the Fulmer Cup, and best wishes to Branko Busick in the West Virginia prison system.*

*Did these words terrify you? THEY SHOULD.

SOUTH CAROLINA. G.A. Mangus already had the name to coach the rest of his life at South Carolina, and now he has the right misdemeanor charge to go with the moniker: nuisance, or a nice code word for getting plastered and peeing in an alley in South Carolina. You may want to judge the coach for ventilating his Mangus in an alley for all the world to see, but if you've never peed outside while drunk you are missing one of life's great pleasures. It's like you're pouring your buddy Earth a drink, AND you're breaking the law in almost every place in the United States.

Mangus gets a one point award for the misdemeanor, but two very randomly assigned bonus points follow to honor his status as a coach. Combined with Edward Muldrow's arrest for littering and underage drinking the Gamecocks have a total of five points in the Fulmer Cup, none of which were earned by Stephen Garcia. Stephen just thought he should mention that, standing right over here not doing anything and drinking a club soda while y'all pee and drunkenate all over the place, m'kay?

FLORIDA. Matt Elam has now been tagged for underage drinking twice. The first time he was on the Four Loko hellwagon, but appears to have moved up in the world if the Henny and Coke he was drinking was any indication of his increasing sophistication. "Arrested for the third time for underage drinking, Matt Elam was caught drinking a 2000 Masi Serego Alighieri Vaio Armaron Amarone Classico behind the Pat's Kwik Stop on 34th Street in Gainesville Friday evening."

A single point for underage drinking, but homer bonuses and repeat offender status take Elam's award to three points for Florida. Don't open that Amarone without us around, you budding oenophile, you.

TENNESSEE. CARPUNCHING!

Some details of Tennessee Volunteers linebacker Austin Johnson's arrest early on Sunday have come to light - Johnson, who was charged for public intoxication and disorderly conduct, apparently was trying to pick a fight and was also "hitting parked cars." Johnson told Knoxville police that he was drunk.

Noooooooo. That kind of lack of fear and sense is precisely what we like in linebackers at Tennessee. If you can avoid the Indian Burial Mound curse affecting all linebackers at Tennessee, you'll do big things, son. (You won't. It is the Indian Burial Mound Curse, and only sacrificing Johnny Majors on a sacrificial pyre will do the trick now. Do you have any idea how long he'd burn? It's completely unsafe.) Two points for Tennessee. Herman Lathers, we reminisce over your knees (and your ankle) (and whatever else just went snap.) 

MISSISSIPPI STATE: A combo of weed and alcohol possession meets domestic assault for what sounds like a typical summer's night in the country. Four points total for the Bulldogs.

ARKANSAS: Five points as documented here.

ILLINOIS: Four points for mobile homosexual-smackin'.

UCF: We said it before, but one point for a suspended license passes for good news in Orlando this year.

IOWA STATE: A whopping two points for the annual "Ames Boredom DUI" we've come to expect from Iowa State.

MARSHALL: Ugh. Domestic violence, hitting girls bonus, four points total for Marshall.

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