GIVE MY REGARDS TO KING TUT, ASSHOLE. Jim Tressel channels the power of Ra himself to conjure up treasures from the Great Beyond!
No real news on Cargate from over the weekend, mind you, but if there is an airtight defense to be made in a case where someone sold a car for a reported $0 (while the player insists he's still making payments, mind you) then a magical portal spitting out American muscle cars from another dimension is it. In further fantastical comparisons, Jim Tressel was compared to the Pakistani ISI chief, and that's silly because the ISI is capable of hiding its tactics (and Osama Bin Laden for quite a while, evidently.) Tressel is running Dave and doesn't care if you see it coming for years, sir.
Tressel does have some heinous punishment on the way in the form of a five-day compliance seminar in Tampa in June. There is not a single thing in the phrase "five-day compliance seminar in Tampa in June" that does not chip some small part of your soul off in a permanent way.
WHILE WE'RE DISCUSSING OBVIOUS TACTICS. Joe Bauserman, y'all!
"The best comparison I can make is when Trent Dilfer was the caretaker of the Baltimore Ravens, and he led them to a Super Bowl victory (in 2001)," Siciliano said. "He wasn't expected to go out and put up phenomenal numbers. He was supposed to take care of the ball, and they relied on their defense.
Deep in the legal codes of our states and cities exist ancient bylaws governing the terms under which one can justifiably shoot someone in public. One of them is If someone compares you to Trent Dilfer in any way. Please note this, Mr. Bauserman. (Via.)
SEC CHARITY SPEEEEEED. You have our permission to claim a national title for this, Alabama athletics. (Not that you needed or wanted our permission, but you may have it anyway.)
AND IN A SHOCKING MOVE SHOCKING NO ONE. Garrett Gilbert has been secretly named Brian Harsin's private dancer quarterback of the moment in a move that was supposed to be team-only and discreet. Glad they kept that under wraps!
AWWWWWW. Stephen Garcia looks proud, and sober! Well, mostly sober. Sober-ish. Kind of. (Maybe.)
THE PRINCE IS BUYING EVERYONE DINNER (AT TACO BELL): Ron Prince's legal tussles with K-State have ended in a $1.6 million settlement with his former employer. From a legal perspective Prince's one-time cashout makes as much sense as a lottery winner taking the one-time cash option, and see it's a situation of mutual benefit for K-State because....um...yeah, because...
"I think it’s a favorable outcome for Prince," said Michael McCann, a Vermont law professor who also works as a legal analyst for Sports Illustrated. "For the school, there is a benefit to having closure to litigation. I don’t know what the value of that is, because it’s hard to quantify, but this lawsuit has attracted a lot of publicity that the school doesn’t want.
We have a guess as to that value: $4.58 in American dollars. #RONP4LAKERSCOACH
LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TIME TO GET SWOLE AND PLAY SOME PORTAL 2, BROS. John Clay is, like many unsigned free agents who declared for the draft, waiting around, working out with his high school track team, and hoping the NFL gets its labor situation settled so he can try to latch on with a team, but that's not the shocking part. The shocking part is the bit where Don Banks writes about Clay's ankle injuries limiting his conditioning in the 2011 season, a situation that explains why Clay played in the Rose Bowl at 270 pounds or so.
WAKE UP THOSE ECHOES BY SLAPPING THAT MACHINE CAN'T YOU SEE THEM THEY'RE UNDER C3. Brian Kelly seems really insistent on that chocolate milk being gotten, ma'am. "Dear Notre Dame. As a longtime supporter of your university and alumnus, I am deeply disturbed by your overt endorsement of violence against property by Notre Dame personnel and students in this video. Please retract it immediately, and then proceed towards a general condition of behaving in an unexciting way I define as dignity, and thus help us stanch our civilization's bleeding out from hooliganism, untucked shirts, and the hip-hop music. Sincerely, Tommy Kilborn, social media guru and unemployed finance grad, class of 2004."