RON PRINCE COLLEGE FOOTBALL: A TEXT-BASED GAME BY EDSBS

Commenter Run Home Jack is the author of this idea. Luke and our writing staff merely filled it in. Zork forever, bitches.

Princesierra_medium

Copyright @1993, @1999, @2005 and @2011. EDSBSico Software and In Pursuit of Perfection, LLC.

This game is a REALISTIC and DYNAMIC text-based college football adventure. YOU are the star. YOU make the decisions. It could happen to ANYONE.

 

You are standing as an assistant coaching position at a mid-level ACC college.

There is a letter in your mailbox.

>Open mailbox.

WELCOME TO RON PRINCE FOOTBALL! RON PRINCE FOOTBALL is a game of adventure, strategy, and low cunning. You will cross some of the most dangerous territory a coach has ever seen! No computer should be without this tale of woe and warning and adventure!


>Accept job.

 

You do that. You wake up in a tiny town somewhere between New York City and Los Angeles.

>Look around.

Cows.

>Look around again.

More cows.

>Talk to cows.

You can't do that.

>Go to office.

You find your office.

Ibm3270terminal_medium

 

>Look around office.

You see a phone, a desk, two flourescent lightbulbs, and a coffin.

>Look in coffin.

You see the visage of the previous coach in it.  He looks dead.

>Wake up dead man.

You can't do this.

>Call janitorial.

The janitor takes the coffin and asks you what is in it.

>Lie.

You say it is your wife, and he calls the police. 

>Strangle janitor.

You strangle the janitor. Now you have two bodies, a coffin, and an old tin of fruit cocktail in corn syrup in your office.

>Eat fruit cocktail.

You eat the fruit cocktail. It is mushy, but still edible.

>Put bodies in chairs. Tell strangers they are visiting.

You do this.

>Hire best assistants in America.

You can't do this.

>Hire best young assistants in America.

You can't do this.

>Hire CFL assistants with bad credit histories for low salaries. 

You do this. Now you have assistants.

>Begin recruiting.

You begin recruiting. You find the following recruits are interested in you: Grant Tiffaaanen, a two-star punter from Finland.

>Introduce self to local high schools. 

You do this.

>Recruit more in all high schools.

No one said the introduction went well.

>Buy off local high school coaches.

You don't have any money.

 

>RECRUIT JUCOS

You can't do that.

>RECRUIT SHORT JUCOS.

You sign a class of tiny junior college transfers.

>Sign Finnish punter

He has signed with Missouri. 

>Explain

He likes vintage pornography in the original VHS format and methamphetamine

>FUCK

Command is vague.


>Recruit five star defensive tackle


You can't do that.


>Recruit three star JUCO TE with weight problem.


You do that.


>Make him gain 70 pounds. Move to defensive tackle.


You do that and he develops a heart condition and stress fractures in both legs.

>Begin spring practice.

You being spring practice with great optimism. Coaches begin installing systems. Players learn plays. After a brief rough patch in the first week, soon all are infused with the comforting routine of practice, classes, and the ceaseless rhythms of campus life.

>Hold spring game.

Your quarterback blows out his ACL in the first quarter on a hit that by rule is illegal under scrimmage rules.Your starter is now a former tight end and minor league baseball pitcher with a partially torn rotator cuff. He drinks heavily.

>Find new job.

There is no other job.

>Conclude spring practice.

Your running back is arrested for assaulting a Taco Bell manager.

>Bail out.

You don't have money for that.

>Bail out personally.

You running back is free on bail, and escapes for parts unknown. You are now liable for his bond.

>Charge to school.

You can't do that.

>File under "Recruiting expenses."

You do that. Your already thin offensive line has been ravaged with injuries during spring practices and the annual intrasquad scrimmage. You decide to hit the road personally to ensure the right stopgaps are located. Where would you like to being your recruiting trip?


>Have receptionist rent a car and put in a map with directions for the Topeka JUCO Academy

You arrive in the city only to disocver the event at hand is actually the Topeka Judo Academy. You stay and watch the martial arts tournament anyways and enjoy some room temperature kettle corn.

>Try out some judo moves!

You tear your ACL while accidentally throwing a fifth-grader into a cinder block wall.

>Flee scene

You escape unrecognized.

>Advance to summer/preseason. 

You advance to the preseason. Optimism abounds! The media wants to interview you and discuss the prospects for the upcoming season.

>Talk to media

You can't do that.

>Hire secretary

You hire Elise, a professional personal assistant in her late twenties.

>Petition secretary to wear sexier clothing

You can't do that

>Petition secretary to "relax a little. You can trust me."

Your secretary quits.

>Call AD for PR

You meet with the media. They are very interested in guarantees and promises. For instance, they want to know who you will beat this upcoming seasons in rivalry games. Will you tell them?

>We will compete, but especially with our rivals.

Everyone remembers this because it will not happen.

>Introduce absurd new tradition.

Please name one element of your exciting new tradition. It can be a noun or an adjective.

>Power 

POWER VOWELS are now instituted at your school. All words with vowels are to be pronounced loudly at all times, but most especially cheers. It is wildly unpopular.

>Rethink new tradition

POWER BOWELS.

>Accept first option.

You do this.

>Disregard fight song "Wabash Cannonball"


You cannot do this.


>Institute Joe Satriani's "Crowd Chant" with school's name as modified lyrics as new spirit song

 

 

You do this, but the prideful associate athletic director insists upon incorporating the school's mascot playing a plastic guitar on the scoreboards any and all time this happens. Opposing fanbases intercept production cuts of the video, publish it to the internet. You look foolish. Again.

>Meet with local alumni group


A local big city alumni group grants you their audience in upwards of 85 rabid diehards show up for the dinner. They ask specifics about the style of football you will play this Fall. What style of football will you embrace?


>No team in America will outwork us. We will embrace the process and play a brand of hardmouted, gritty, winning football.


Your lack of so much as experience as a playcaller reverberates through the audience who taper their personal expectations for happiness immediately.

>Begin regular season with triple coverage interception.

Circle that play; call it again figuring 'it's due. Fail to score thirty against 1-AA opener.

>Review plays. Focus on fundamentals. Preach "one play at a time."

You lose to an out-of-conference school by 21.

>Implore team to the be 'the hardest working America'.

Lose homecoming by 19.

>Beat Texas

You do that.

>Beat next opponent.

You lose to your next opponent by 19 points including two safeties and a two point conversion attempt returned for points. The following week your star quarterback cuts hand badly inebriatedly playing the knife game. What do you do?


>Close and suture the wound yourself.


Years of joining your mother at the Omaha's Women's Sewing Club and your inexplicable subscription to Male Nurse Magazine pays off. He's good to go come kickoff time.

 

>Tell team to embrace process.

You lose to in-state rival by 50.

>Call coach fat behind back.


You do this.


>Get response.


He does not know who you are.

>Form shadowy LLC.

You do this.


>Secretly renegotiate life contract with AD without University approval.

You do that.

>Make funds payable to shadowy LLC

You do this.

>Purchase condo in Cayman Islands

You can't afford this.

>Purchase condo in Dominican Republic.

You can't afford this

>Purchase condo in Haiti.

You can afford this. Unfortunately it is flattened in an earthquake and looted shortly after closing.

800px-haiti_earthquake_building_damage_medium

 

>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Morton's of Chicago

You can't do that


>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Ruth's Chris

You can't do that

>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Sirloin Stockade

You do this. Morale is improved!

>Pay with company card.

Card is declined. Coaching staff morale decreases 3% after requesting split checks.

>Redouble efforts.

You lose to Nebraska by 40.

>Wax head.

Head is shiny.

>Triple efforts. Spend week preaching to your team to not think; react. Spend ensuing week encouraging team to approach next contest as war of minds; a chess-like affair.

You lose to a conference rival by forty. The rigors of recruiting have you down. Your wife and kids haven't seen enough of you lately. What would you like to do to unwind?

> Go to strip club

You enter one of two exotic dancing clubs this small town has to offer. Not one dancer, waitress, bartender, or patron knows who you are.

>Introduce self.

You do.

>Go back to strip club.

No one remembers you.

Go 0-fer in conference play.

>Still somehow win seven games.

God bless Illinois State.

>Go to inaugural non-distinguished bowl in non-traditional football city.

You do this. There are numerous pregame festivities, including a booster dinner and a bowl reception. Which one do you go to?

>Neither. I stay in my hotel room and watch a marathon of Law and Order: SUV.

You cannot do this.

>I watch Law and Order: SUV

You cannot do this.

>I watch Law and Order: SUV

You cannot do this.

>I watch Law and Order: SUV

You cannot do this.

>I watch Law and Order: SUV

You cannot do this.

>I watch Law and Order: SUV

You cannot do this.

>...

>...

>...

>I watch Law and Order: SVU.

Mv5bodqynzeznjexn15bml5banbnxkftztcwnti3mjuzmq__

 

You enjoy a generous helping of the work of Mariska Hartigay and tell everyone you have diarrhea to excuse yourself from all functions. Seven of your players are arrested for throwing a waitress into the hotel pool.

>Challenge charges.

Pool is frozen. Waitress is concussed and in hospital.

>Play game.

You lose by 4 TDs.

>Enjoy new calculator wrist watch.

You do.

>End season.

It's been over for some time now.

>Take coaching job at more prestigious university


You can't do that


>Take coaching job at other university.


You can't do that

>Apply for another head coaching job at a lower tiered program.

You do that.

>Any luck?

No.

>Seriously?

No.

>Apply for NFL job.

Do you know Jim Caldwell?

>Yes.

Can you purchase bran muffins?

>All day.

You're hired! You accept a job working for an NFL team.

>Continue working in the NFL for the rest of my life without issue.

You do this.

 

You have reached the end of RON PRINCE COLLEGE FOOTBALL, A TEXT-BASED ADVENTURE! This has been an EDSBSico Software game in coordination with In Pursuit of Perfection, LLC. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. Produced in coordination with BRODERBUND, the makers of WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN TRANNIEGO?

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