RON PRINCE COLLEGE FOOTBALL: A TEXT-BASED GAME BY EDSBS
by Spencer Hall on Apr 20, 2011 10:53 AM EDT
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PrintCommenter Run Home Jack is the author of this idea. Luke and our writing staff merely filled it in. Zork forever, bitches.
Copyright @1993, @1999, @2005 and @2011. EDSBSico Software and In Pursuit of Perfection, LLC.
This game is a REALISTIC and DYNAMIC text-based college football adventure. YOU are the star. YOU make the decisions. It could happen to ANYONE.
You are standing as an assistant coaching position at a mid-level ACC college.
There is a letter in your mailbox.
>Open mailbox.
WELCOME TO RON PRINCE FOOTBALL! RON PRINCE FOOTBALL is a game of adventure, strategy, and low cunning. You will cross some of the most dangerous territory a coach has ever seen! No computer should be without this tale of woe and warning and adventure!
>Accept job.
You do that. You wake up in a tiny town somewhere between New York City and Los Angeles.
>Look around.
Cows.
>Look around again.
More cows.
>Talk to cows.
You can't do that.
>Go to office.
You find your office.
>Look around office.
You see a phone, a desk, two flourescent lightbulbs, and a coffin.
>Look in coffin.
You see the visage of the previous coach in it. He looks dead.
>Wake up dead man.
You can't do this.
>Call janitorial.
The janitor takes the coffin and asks you what is in it.
>Lie.
You say it is your wife, and he calls the police.
>Strangle janitor.
You strangle the janitor. Now you have two bodies, a coffin, and an old tin of fruit cocktail in corn syrup in your office.
>Eat fruit cocktail.
You eat the fruit cocktail. It is mushy, but still edible.
>Put bodies in chairs. Tell strangers they are visiting.
You do this.
>Hire best assistants in America.
You can't do this.
>Hire best young assistants in America.
You can't do this.
>Hire CFL assistants with bad credit histories for low salaries.
You do this. Now you have assistants.
>Begin recruiting.
You begin recruiting. You find the following recruits are interested in you: Grant Tiffaaanen, a two-star punter from Finland.
>Introduce self to local high schools.
You do this.
>Recruit more in all high schools.
No one said the introduction went well.
>Buy off local high school coaches.
You don't have any money.
>RECRUIT JUCOS
You can't do that.
>RECRUIT SHORT JUCOS.
You sign a class of tiny junior college transfers.
>Sign Finnish punter
He has signed with Missouri.
>Explain
He likes vintage pornography in the original VHS format and methamphetamine
>FUCK
Command is vague.
>Recruit five star defensive tackle
You can't do that.
>Recruit three star JUCO TE with weight problem.
You do that.
>Make him gain 70 pounds. Move to defensive tackle.
You do that and he develops a heart condition and stress fractures in both legs.
>Begin spring practice.
You being spring practice with great optimism. Coaches begin installing systems. Players learn plays. After a brief rough patch in the first week, soon all are infused with the comforting routine of practice, classes, and the ceaseless rhythms of campus life.
>Hold spring game.
Your quarterback blows out his ACL in the first quarter on a hit that by rule is illegal under scrimmage rules.Your starter is now a former tight end and minor league baseball pitcher with a partially torn rotator cuff. He drinks heavily.
>Find new job.
There is no other job.
>Conclude spring practice.
Your running back is arrested for assaulting a Taco Bell manager.
>Bail out.
You don't have money for that.
>Bail out personally.
You running back is free on bail, and escapes for parts unknown. You are now liable for his bond.
>Charge to school.
You can't do that.
>File under "Recruiting expenses."
You do that. Your already thin offensive line has been ravaged with injuries during spring practices and the annual intrasquad scrimmage. You decide to hit the road personally to ensure the right stopgaps are located. Where would you like to being your recruiting trip?
>Have receptionist rent a car and put in a map with directions for the Topeka JUCO Academy
You arrive in the city only to disocver the event at hand is actually the Topeka Judo Academy. You stay and watch the martial arts tournament anyways and enjoy some room temperature kettle corn.
>Try out some judo moves!
You tear your ACL while accidentally throwing a fifth-grader into a cinder block wall.
>Flee scene
You escape unrecognized.
>Advance to summer/preseason.
You advance to the preseason. Optimism abounds! The media wants to interview you and discuss the prospects for the upcoming season.
>Talk to media
You can't do that.
>Hire secretary
You hire Elise, a professional personal assistant in her late twenties.
>Petition secretary to wear sexier clothing
You can't do that
>Petition secretary to "relax a little. You can trust me."
Your secretary quits.
>Call AD for PR
You meet with the media. They are very interested in guarantees and promises. For instance, they want to know who you will beat this upcoming seasons in rivalry games. Will you tell them?
>We will compete, but especially with our rivals.
Everyone remembers this because it will not happen.
>Introduce absurd new tradition.
Please name one element of your exciting new tradition. It can be a noun or an adjective.
>Power
POWER VOWELS are now instituted at your school. All words with vowels are to be pronounced loudly at all times, but most especially cheers. It is wildly unpopular.
>Rethink new tradition
POWER BOWELS.
>Accept first option.
You do this.
>Disregard fight song "Wabash Cannonball"
You cannot do this.
>Institute Joe Satriani's "Crowd Chant" with school's name as modified lyrics as new spirit song
You do this, but the prideful associate athletic director insists upon incorporating the school's mascot playing a plastic guitar on the scoreboards any and all time this happens. Opposing fanbases intercept production cuts of the video, publish it to the internet. You look foolish. Again.
>Meet with local alumni group
A local big city alumni group grants you their audience in upwards of 85 rabid diehards show up for the dinner. They ask specifics about the style of football you will play this Fall. What style of football will you embrace?
>No team in America will outwork us. We will embrace the process and play a brand of hardmouted, gritty, winning football.
Your lack of so much as experience as a playcaller reverberates through the audience who taper their personal expectations for happiness immediately.
>Begin regular season with triple coverage interception.
Circle that play; call it again figuring 'it's due. Fail to score thirty against 1-AA opener.
>Review plays. Focus on fundamentals. Preach "one play at a time."
You lose to an out-of-conference school by 21.
>Implore team to the be 'the hardest working America'.
Lose homecoming by 19.
>Beat Texas
You do that.
>Beat next opponent.
You lose to your next opponent by 19 points including two safeties and a two point conversion attempt returned for points. The following week your star quarterback cuts hand badly inebriatedly playing the knife game. What do you do?
>Close and suture the wound yourself.
Years of joining your mother at the Omaha's Women's Sewing Club and your inexplicable subscription to Male Nurse Magazine pays off. He's good to go come kickoff time.
>Tell team to embrace process.
You lose to in-state rival by 50.
>Call coach fat behind back.
You do this.
>Get response.
He does not know who you are.
>Form shadowy LLC.
You do this.
>Secretly renegotiate life contract with AD without University approval.
You do that.
>Make funds payable to shadowy LLC
You do this.
>Purchase condo in Cayman Islands
You can't afford this.
>Purchase condo in Dominican Republic.
You can't afford this
>Purchase condo in Haiti.
You can afford this. Unfortunately it is flattened in an earthquake and looted shortly after closing.
>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Morton's of Chicago
You can't do that
>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Ruth's Chris
You can't do that
>Try to boost morale amongst your coaching staff by taking them to Sirloin Stockade
You do this. Morale is improved!
>Pay with company card.
Card is declined. Coaching staff morale decreases 3% after requesting split checks.
>Redouble efforts.
You lose to Nebraska by 40.
>Wax head.
Head is shiny.
>Triple efforts. Spend week preaching to your team to not think; react. Spend ensuing week encouraging team to approach next contest as war of minds; a chess-like affair.
You lose to a conference rival by forty. The rigors of recruiting have you down. Your wife and kids haven't seen enough of you lately. What would you like to do to unwind?
> Go to strip club
You enter one of two exotic dancing clubs this small town has to offer. Not one dancer, waitress, bartender, or patron knows who you are.
>Introduce self.
You do.
>Go back to strip club.
No one remembers you.
Go 0-fer in conference play.
>Still somehow win seven games.
God bless Illinois State.
>Go to inaugural non-distinguished bowl in non-traditional football city.
You do this. There are numerous pregame festivities, including a booster dinner and a bowl reception. Which one do you go to?
>Neither. I stay in my hotel room and watch a marathon of Law and Order: SUV.
You cannot do this.
>I watch Law and Order: SUV
You cannot do this.
>I watch Law and Order: SUV
You cannot do this.
>I watch Law and Order: SUV
You cannot do this.
>I watch Law and Order: SUV
You cannot do this.
>I watch Law and Order: SUV
You cannot do this.
>...
>...
>...
>I watch Law and Order: SVU.
You enjoy a generous helping of the work of Mariska Hartigay and tell everyone you have diarrhea to excuse yourself from all functions. Seven of your players are arrested for throwing a waitress into the hotel pool.
>Challenge charges.
Pool is frozen. Waitress is concussed and in hospital.
>Play game.
You lose by 4 TDs.
>Enjoy new calculator wrist watch.
You do.
>End season.
It's been over for some time now.
>Take coaching job at more prestigious university
You can't do that
>Take coaching job at other university.
You can't do that
>Apply for another head coaching job at a lower tiered program.
You do that.
>Any luck?
No.
>Seriously?
No.
>Apply for NFL job.
Do you know Jim Caldwell?
>Yes.
Can you purchase bran muffins?
>All day.
You're hired! You accept a job working for an NFL team.
>Continue working in the NFL for the rest of my life without issue.
You do this.
You have reached the end of RON PRINCE COLLEGE FOOTBALL, A TEXT-BASED ADVENTURE! This has been an EDSBSico Software game in coordination with In Pursuit of Perfection, LLC. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. Produced in coordination with BRODERBUND, the makers of WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN TRANNIEGO?
98 comments
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33 recs |
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Comments
I've been waiting for this since yesterday.
I’m doing the Snoopy dance in my office.
Ah, ah, ah, a pirate first with a lawyer's wasted education, and himself bound by the fiendish ties of a legal disputation.
ZYZZY Bitches
Thankfully outside Nutt's circles.
by Sasquatch Love on Apr 20, 2011 11:01 AM EDT reply actions
XYZZY
goddammit.
I’ve been waiting for this too and typed it wrong. Fuck. I suck.
Thankfully outside Nutt's circles.
by Sasquatch Love on Apr 20, 2011 11:01 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
>Beat Texas twice
With a team of midget JUCOs and CFL reject coordinaters.
"I've gotta fevah, and the only perscription is more Plumlee"
dude. you have got to stop
i cower in a corner every time you do this.
Thankfully outside Nutt's circles.
by Sasquatch Love on Apr 20, 2011 11:44 AM EDT up reply actions
Oh really, then how does this make you feel?
"I've gotta fevah, and the only perscription is more Plumlee"
hmm...
give me a moment…..
ah!
TIMEOUTTIMEOUTTIMEOUT
by CoastalCowbell on Apr 20, 2011 11:59 AM EDT up reply actions
fetal position
Thankfully outside Nutt's circles.
by Sasquatch Love on Apr 20, 2011 12:57 PM EDT up reply actions
rec’ing any original adventure/colossal cave reference.
and fuck that dwarf. throw a bear at him.
Thankfully outside Nutt's circles.
by Sasquatch Love on Apr 20, 2011 11:44 AM EDT up reply actions
throw a bear?
Fish meat is practically a vegetable
by Bourbon_Meyer on Apr 20, 2011 11:47 AM EDT up reply actions 5 recs
swing a cactus
Players who should be in the Hall of Fame: Pat TIllman, Dwight White, Donnie Shell, L.C. Greenwood, Ray Guy, Steve Tasker, Jack Butler, Greg Llyod, Andy Russel, Cris Carter, Kevin Greene, Curtis Martin, Willie Roaf, Andre Reed and Jerry Kramer
"Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand." Wes Westrum
Canal Street Chronicles resident Steelers Fan
by WVPiratesfan on Apr 20, 2011 11:51 AM EDT up reply actions 7 recs
I'm pretty sure that picture was taken
just west of the LSU campus.
In the history of college football, no player, no coach, no guru, compares with [Les] Miles’s masterful incorporation of applied chaos theory and time relativity into strategic game planning. Simply put, the man is on another level. A level many don’t or can’t understand. Genius.
THE BEAR IS NOT AMUSED!
my favorite part of that game eveh!
Likes Pi.
by Duck Notre Fame on Apr 21, 2011 9:40 PM EDT up reply actions
Between Paul Rhodes punching a moose....
and Ron P Text Football, how the hell am I supposed to get any work done?
"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin charge here." ~ Jayne Cobb
Players who should be in the Hall of Fame: Pat TIllman, Dwight White, Donnie Shell, L.C. Greenwood, Ray Guy, Steve Tasker, Jack Butler, Greg Llyod, Andy Russel, Cris Carter, Kevin Greene, Curtis Martin, Willie Roaf, Andre Reed and Jerry Kramer
"Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand." Wes Westrum
Canal Street Chronicles resident Steelers Fan
Gotta save all of those accomplishments!
>Open trophy case; Put Texas win in trophy case; Close Trophy case
Done.
>Drop credibility
How much credibility would you like to drop?
>All credibility
All credibility dropped, you have become an Internet meme.
My favorite part?
Law & Order SUV
by Tracy Rocker's Appetite on Apr 20, 2011 11:12 AM EDT reply actions
The Makers of Ron Prince College Football
Regret to announce that, due to a disagreement with Coach O’Brien about the “overly frenetic gameplay speed,” Tom O’Brien Teaches Typing will not be released.
by Run Home Jack on Apr 20, 2011 11:12 AM EDT reply actions 8 recs
My parents bought Mario Teaches Typing for my brother and I. We barely did anything with it and would go on to learn how to type proficiently thanks to AOL Instant Messenger years later.
Team Speed Kills -- SBNation's SEC Blog
If you're so inclined, follow me @Year2
Mavis Beacon shot, skinned, and ate that bear at 120 WPM
by BoilerPhil on Apr 20, 2011 12:37 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
And brought its carcass back to the home row.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 20, 2011 12:38 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
This is how I learned the value of rapid typing
The faster you type, the greater extent to which you can let your opponent know he is unworthy to lick the dirt from your 11-year-old feet.
by Synaesthesia on Apr 20, 2011 2:50 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
Does the Contra Code work for this game?
Because Seriously, it would be the only way I suceed
Don't give up, don't ever give up ~ Jim Valvano
It hurts because it's true
>Begin regular season with triple coverage interception.
Circle that play; call it again figuring ’it’s due. Fail to score thirty against 1-AA opener.
>Review plays. Focus on fundamentals. Preach “one play at a time.”
You lose to an out-of-conference school by 21.
>Implore team to the be ‘the hardest working America’.
Lose homecoming by 19.
>Beat Texas
You do that.
>gnusto filfre
You have learned the zifmia spell!
>gnusto cleesh
You have learned the cleesh spell!
>gnusto exex
You have learned the exex spell!
>cleesh Texas
Texas has turned into small amphibians!
>exex James Johnson
James Johnson is very fast. He scores an 85 yard kickoff return!
>exex Jordy Nelson
Jordy Nelson is very fast. He scores an 89 yard punt return!
>cast filfre
In honor of your inexplicable career highlight, the sky fills with purple and silver fireworks as far as the eye can see. You’ve won the game 41-21!
That's it, I'll sue you and YOUR WHOLE CRUMMY AIRLINE
by Burrito Electrico on Apr 20, 2011 2:16 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
I have been sitting in my cube giggling like a schoolgirl for 10 minutes
Well done, Orson and Run Home Jack!
Heute, Ich bin ein Kreuzschlüssel.
I always liked action games better.
by Dr. Norris Camacho on Apr 20, 2011 11:25 AM EDT reply actions 24 recs
#rp4movies
Players who should be in the Hall of Fame: Pat TIllman, Dwight White, Donnie Shell, L.C. Greenwood, Ray Guy, Steve Tasker, Jack Butler, Greg Llyod, Andy Russel, Cris Carter, Kevin Greene, Curtis Martin, Willie Roaf, Andre Reed and Jerry Kramer
"Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand." Wes Westrum
Canal Street Chronicles resident Steelers Fan
by WVPiratesfan on Apr 20, 2011 11:30 AM EDT up reply actions
SERIOUSLY MAKE THIS GREEN
And give it and this post a siren
Don't give up, don't ever give up ~ Jim Valvano
I know a lot of people
stop recing something once it reaches 5 and turns green, but if this doesnt reach threeve recs than I have lost all faith in the commentariat
They hit the road doing 90
Leavin' them steel mills far behind
Ain't no good life down at the Ford plant
Three guitars or a life of crime
by Dawg in Beaumont on Apr 20, 2011 12:33 PM EDT up reply actions
.
"It's always good to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain." -- Ron Swanson
funny
couple of corrections:
No strip clubs in MHK.
We have plenty of things to look at other than cows.
For those visiting MHK, Aggieville is the bar district SE of campus and is the recommended drinking place.
/still wonders why we hired Ron Prince
/still wonders why Cosh is our D coordinator
/still laughing at this.
/Prince was still better than the 80’s
The time for calm and rational discourse is past, now is the time for senseless bickering -Anonymous the Younger
by Anon_the_younger on Apr 20, 2011 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
"Did someone say Chicks and beer?"
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever
-Mark Twain
Also, Fuck Clemson.
by Gamecock2002 on Apr 20, 2011 11:31 AM EDT up reply actions 18 recs
Its funny because he'll be suspended...or benched....or both
"I've gotta fevah, and the only perscription is more Plumlee"
It won't matter come November
I bet he’s having a good day though.
by Tracy Rocker's Appetite on Apr 20, 2011 11:37 AM EDT up reply actions
He wont be suspended for a game
Anyone can feel free to correct me, but Garcia, despite being “suspended” 3ish different times, has never missed a game due to suspension
They hit the road doing 90
Leavin' them steel mills far behind
Ain't no good life down at the Ford plant
Three guitars or a life of crime
by Dawg in Beaumont on Apr 20, 2011 12:29 PM EDT up reply actions
wow
if only this focused a bit more on the mullet, it would be total perfection.
by BamaThrasher on Apr 20, 2011 11:37 AM EDT up reply actions
pleasing the 6th broad
I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever
-Mark Twain
Also, Fuck Clemson.
by Gamecock2002 on Apr 20, 2011 11:40 AM EDT up reply actions
Is that little Kim on the bottom right?
"I've gotta fevah, and the only perscription is more Plumlee"
THIS IS AMAZING
"December-April of 2010 is basically just a blur to me, filled with lots of boobs and passing out." - stanzi's ex-girlfriend
by The Ghost of John Hannah on Apr 20, 2011 1:53 PM EDT up reply actions
I tried showing this to my coworker who is from Sri Lanka
needless to say he did not understand who Ron P is.
/RonP4SriLankaCricketManager
Dean of Auburn Institute for Exploding Dog Studies
Current Location: Taji, Iraq
by Oscar Whiskey on Apr 20, 2011 11:31 AM EDT reply actions 5 recs
Awesome Quote :
“Fired Ron Prince: ‘I do believe we ran out of time’”.
by fluffy_bunny_feet on Apr 20, 2011 11:37 AM EDT reply actions
How did Les Miles get involved with this game?
I am in favor of no sport which puts a stick in the hands of an Irishman - K.K.R.
by saxattack29 on Apr 20, 2011 12:58 PM EDT up reply actions
#gigglinglikeanidiot
Well done!
"I'm colonel cool! And I'm the captain on this rocket to the stars!"
Wow
"[Many] schools call themselves Wildcats and I am very sorry for there ought to be just one school by the name of Wildcat and that is that little Calvinistic, Presbyterian, fire eating, Bluestocking, Covenanter, dissenting Scotch-Irish school down in the wilds of upper Mecklenburg County."
– Henry T. Lilly '18
Congratulations, you are now an NFL assistant, what do you want to do next?
>Buy FCOJ futures, I saw this movie and I want to retire early.
I regret that I have but one computer to troll this website.
by Nick Fairleys Hitlist on Apr 20, 2011 11:42 AM EDT reply actions
May I suggest "feather touch?"
You have selected “POWER DRIVE!”
by Dr. Norris Camacho on Apr 20, 2011 12:27 PM EDT up reply actions
Did you say Power DIVE?
"Hey--where's Perry?"
Notre Dame Fighting Irish by birth and undergraduate degree
U. Hawaii Warrior because the government pays my grad school tuition
by Kelly's Gyros on Apr 20, 2011 2:15 PM EDT up reply actions
Waaaaaait a minute. You're just selling me the same game over and over.
>Move BYU to front of schedule.
You do this. Fans want to know why.
>Tell fans it’s a warm-up game.
Fans are placated.
>Run head-on at 3-3-5 blitzes.
You have been pantsed by BYU. Fans appear with pitchforks and torches.
>Beat #8 Michigan with one player.
You do this. Fans are confused.
>Accuse fans of racism.
You’re not helping.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 20, 2011 12:33 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
> Have losing season
You’d better turn it around on the recruiting trail
> Play golf
Are you sure this is a good idea
> Plays more golf
You have another losing season. What now?
> Plays more golf
You have gone 0-12 and will be fired midway through the season.
I am in favor of no sport which puts a stick in the hands of an Irishman - K.K.R.
>Conduct interview with John Saunders.
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 20, 2011 1:05 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
I tried "Steve Addazio's College Football"
Far inferior product as it’s far too easy. An excerpt:
You’ve just received another short field from your defense. What play would you like to call?
> play action pass
Invalid play selection. First down options: “short side option”, “dive”, or “hail mary to deonte thompson”
> pass to hines
Invalid play selection. First down options: “short side option”, “dive”, or “hail mary to deonte thompson”
> end around to demps
Invalid play selection. First down options: “short side option”, “dive”, or “hail mary to deonte thompson”
> hail mary to deonte thompson
Dropped pass. Second down. What play would you like to call?
> pass to andre dubose
Invalid play selection. Second down options: “short side option”, “dive”, or “hail mary to deonte thompson”
> aren’t those the first down options?
Aren’t you observant. Pick one.
> dive
You gain a yard! Third and nine. What play would you like to run?
> list options
Third down options: “short side option”, “dive”, or “pass of 9 yards to carl moore”
> pass of 9 yards to carl moore
It works! First and goal!
> pass of 9 yards to carl moore
Who?
> carl moore
Who? I’m pretty sure you don’t have a player named “Carl Moore” on your roster.
> I JUST passed to him!
No you didn’t. You rushed demps off tackle for the first down.
> Whatever.
Suck it up. Play?
> list options
First and goal options: “short side option”, “dive”, “give up and kick the field goal”
> short side option
Your quarterback is now hurt. 03/22 hp remaining. Second and goal. Play?
> dive
You gain a yard! 8 more to go! Third and goal. Play?
> list options
Third and goal options: “short side option”, “dive”, “attempt field goal” or “hail mary to deonte thompson”
> “hail mary to deonte thompson”
Dropped pass. Fourth and goal. Play?
> Kick field goal with place kicker
Place kicker? He injured his back during practice when you had him fake a field goal to run a short side option.
> Kick field goal with punter, it’s a chip shot anyway
Miss! Luckily, your defense has given you another short field…
Although the few options rarely seem to provide actual rewards, you seem to be incapable of losing more than five of the games, and rewards for mediocrity seem out of line with performance. For instance:
You’ve finished 8-5! Good work!
> Weren’t we 13-1 last year?
You lost a lot of key players.
> Wasn’t the last guy a lot more effective with the same players?
You lost a lot of key players.
> You’re just going to keep repeating that, aren’t you?
Yep. What now?
> Apply for head coaching job
Success! You have an offer from Temple!
> Really?
Absolutely, they’ve seen the heights you’ve taken this team to!
> Wasn’t the last guy a lot more effective with the same players?
You lost a lot of key players.
> Negotiate contract
Wealthy UConn booster is angry over not getting you. Temple gets nervous, raises salary offer.
> REALLY? MORE people want me?
Yep! When can you start?
> Now.
You’ve got the job! First order of business?
> Recruit Connecticut
by The Commenter Formerly Known as Not You on Apr 20, 2011 1:09 PM EDT reply actions 14 recs
Auburned
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Apr 21, 2011 9:23 PM EDT up reply actions
>Hire the Charles.
Transmogrified up in this piece!
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Apr 20, 2011 1:13 PM EDT up reply actions
You've just lost to Alabama 7-6
> Attend press conference
Reporter questions playcalling
> Throw QB under the bus
Fish meat is practically a vegetable
by Bourbon_Meyer on Apr 20, 2011 1:21 PM EDT up reply actions
RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE
I love green because money be green.
by Joey C. on Apr 20, 2011 1:50 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Surprised no one has done this yet
You are ready to start the season. Please enter team you are to play.
>Play Purdue.
FILE NOT FOUND.
>Play Purdue Boilermakers.
FILE NOT FOUND.
>Play Purdue Boilermakers Football Team.
FILE NOT FOUND.
>Play Purdue Boilermakers Football Team from West Lafayette, IN.
>FILE NOT FOUND.
>…
>…
>Play FILE NOT FOUND.
You play FILE NOT FOUND. You defeat FILE NOT FOUND by INCOMPLETE STRING. Congratulations!
Dean of Auburn Institute for Exploding Dog Studies
Current Location: Taji, Iraq
by Oscar Whiskey on Apr 20, 2011 3:04 PM EDT reply actions 10 recs
ACLs are crying all over _____________, Indiana
oh, wait, tears? like rips? right.
"What are you, drunk?" "Drunk enough to kick your ass."
by Awesome Bill from Dawsonville on Apr 20, 2011 3:13 PM EDT up reply actions
I thought about putting
FILE NOT FOUND QB runs bootleg, fumbles ball, loses game and ruins Heisman hopes.
>What happens to FILE NOT FOUND QB?
Drafted 4th round by Chicago Bears.
Dean of Auburn Institute for Exploding Dog Studies
Current Location: Taji, Iraq
by Oscar Whiskey on Apr 20, 2011 3:17 PM EDT up reply actions
You don't SMELL like a peasant
Best text-based game parody since:
Either love your players or get out of coaching.
You don't dress like a peasant, you don't stink like a peasant, and you're DEFINITELY not on fire like a peasant!
by The Commenter Formerly Known as Not You on Apr 20, 2011 3:33 PM EDT up reply actions
>Throw Baby
I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies! - Capt. Murphy
I wanna try!
>Play Texas
You beat Texas. So does everyone. Try again.
>Play Texas only attempting 9 passes
You beat Texas. See?
"Beating 'SC is not a matter of life or death, it's more important than that."
Red Sanders-Bruins head coach (1949-57)
by Trouble's A Bruin on Apr 20, 2011 5:14 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Oooh, can we play?
>Play Texas.
You lose – Roll Left, 4th and inches.
>Crackers. Play Texas.
You lose – snapping a seven year home winning streak.
>Nuts. Play Texas.
You lose – 5 fumbles and a 4 point loss.
>Gorramit! Play Texas.
You win! Finish 12-1 with a callow sophomore bailing out an anemic offense time and again.
>Whoop! Go Big Red! Play Texas.
You lose – QB throws an INT at the Texas goalline with 9 seconds remaining.
>Shit. Those fucking burnt orange pussies. Play Texas.
You lose 31-7. You rush for 53 yards, which Texas overtops by 300.
>Sunofabitch! That’s it – no more sliding into mediocrity. Fire the coach.
Coach is fired. Beginning coaching search.
>Hire Houston Nutt.
You can’t do that.
>Dammit. Hire, um…fuck, who’s still available?
Bill Callahan.
>Who? He got to the Super Bowl? With the fucking RAIDERS? Works for me. Hire Bill Callahan.
Bill Callahan hires Kevin Cosgrove as DC.
>Who? Fuck it – we’re going to score so many points we won’t need a defense. Play Texas Tech.
You lose to Texas Tech 70-10.
>WHAAAAA—never mind, we’re rebuilding with Solich’s players. It’ll come around. Besides, we’re still beating the old Big 8. Play Kansas.
You lose to Kansas 40-15.
>Balls. Patience, folks – we’re really close, just gotta keep working. Have you seen the recruits we’re bringing in? Play Texas. We’ll get the bastards this time.
You lose to Texas 22-20 – your most trustworthy receiver fumbles a 3rd down completion in the last minute.
>Those assholes AGAIN? WTF? Play Texas.
You lose 28-25 – Jamaal Charles runs for eleventy-threeve yards in the 4th quarter.
>KAI SHENIOU BYEN PHOU – when do we play those pantywaist Jahawks again? Next week? Good. Play Kansas.
You lose 76-39 – it could have been 106-39. Your DC leaves the field in tears.
>AWRIGHT, HEADS MUST ROLL. Fire the AD.
AD is fired. Start a search committee?
>Fuck, no! Who the hell else can save us now? Hire TO.
AD is hired. Replace coaching staff?
>Let’s give them one last chance. Play Colorado.
You lose 65-51.
>I don’t think our engineering department people can even add that high. Fire Callahan.
Callahan is fired. Begin coaching search?
>Is Turner Gill available?
Yes.
>Is Bo Pelini available?
Yes.
>Hmmm. Since the defense sucks worst right now, let’s go with Pelini – Turner will surely find good jobs until we’re ready for him. Hire Pelini. Play Texas.
You lose 13-12. Your defense would have stopped the Romans at the height of their power. Ndamukong Suh is afraid of neither beast nor man. Your offense is best described as “the hemophiliac attack” and it’s run by the second string QB from “Necessary Roughness.”
>FUCK. THAT’S IT – EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON BEATING TEXAS. EVERY MOMENT FROM NOW UNTIL OCTOBER WILL BE POINTED TOWARD BEATING TEXAS. WE OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T BEEN PUTTING ENOUGH EMPHASIS ON BEATING TEXAS. TUCK FEXAS. THERE’S NO STEERS ON THIS LONGHORN TEAM – THEY LOST TO UCLA, FOR BOB’S SAKE. PLAY TEXAS.
You lose 20-13.
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
by Go Big Rev on Apr 20, 2011 8:10 PM EDT up reply actions 12 recs
incredible.
nearly better than the original
Fish meat is practically a vegetable
by Bourbon_Meyer on Apr 20, 2011 9:35 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm just standing on the shoulders of giants, man.
"Wer viel Bier trinkt, schläft gut. Wer gut schläft, sündigt nicht. Und wer nicht sündigt, kommt in den Himmel!" Martin Luther
you forgot the part where you don't play texas ever again and now can never beat them
Fish meat is practically a vegetable
by Bourbon_Meyer on Apr 21, 2011 8:46 AM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Proud to make that green.
I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left-hand side.
Bradley-Terry rankings for college football and basketball: because there aren't enough computer rankings already.
Arguably
there were far too many steers on the Texas team last year.
That's it, I'll sue you and YOUR WHOLE CRUMMY AIRLINE
by Burrito Electrico on Apr 21, 2011 9:04 AM EDT up reply actions
> Join SEC to avoid Texas
You can’t do that
> Join Big 10 to avoid Texas
Done. No more Texas
> Anything else?
You forgot about those Pitt games
> Commit Hari Kari
You can’t do that.
> Drink heavily
Already started.
"Notre Dame is ascared of Auburn." - unknown
by ChemE93 on Apr 21, 2011 9:24 AM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
Oh yeah.Sorry Rev
"Beating 'SC is not a matter of life or death, it's more important than that."
Red Sanders-Bruins head coach (1949-57)
by Trouble's A Bruin on Apr 21, 2011 10:44 AM EDT up reply actions
TRAAVEL THE TRAL WIT DA COACHO.
Relive the journey as you hit the road from Oxford, Mississippi into the promised land of Los Angeles out west. Dodge firings, secondary violations, demotions to recruiting coordinator, and NCAA sanctions as you fulfill your manifest destiny to make the Wild West wild again!
I wish to rest where the spirit of Michigan is warmest. -Fielding Yost
by Tremendous on Apr 20, 2011 8:09 PM EDT reply actions 9 recs
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