The sun rises over Nutt Valley, home of the Reverend Houston Nutt and his isolated camp of acolytes. The following description of events is what led to this.
Houston Nutt; Another beautiful day in Nutt Valley, boys!
Nathan Stanley: Nothing better!
Nutt; Say, why don't we sing the Nutt Valley morning song!
Stanley and others: Sure!
IN THE CIRCLE OF THE COMMITTED
THERE'S A MAN WHO KEEPS US GRITTED
IN THE VALLEY OF THE NUTT
WHERE WE GIGGITY IT UP
Nutt: Blockin' stuff!
Nutt: Got that wood?
All: YES WE DO!
Nutt; What's outside?
All: NOTHING GOOD!
They cheer and clap.
Stanley: I was thinking coach, maybe we could talk about my pro prospects---
Nutt: Oh, they're gonna be great, be we gotta work on this diagram. Team's gotta be together. Gotta be focused. Gotta be in the RIGHT GIGGITY PLACES ON THE MAP. See this, Nathan?
Stanley: I guess I don't get it coach.
Nutt: THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO GO OVER THERE AND THROW THE BALL INTO THE WELL OF LEARNING!
Stanley: Again? Can't we watch some film? We don't do that, and I remember--
Nutt: BAAAAAAH. The well's all you need! That's right! Only then will you leave Nutt Valley and go to Big Rock Candy Mountain like so many of our quarterbacks before! Stoerner, Jones, Masoli, Snead...all of them! GIGGITY DANG, they're all just livin' it up! Let's sing, boys!
Stanley and all: OKAY!
- In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you're going on a holiday
- Your signing bonus comes around once a week and it’s Christmas every day
- You never have to QB DRAW or throw the ball away
- There's a little white girl you can ride of course
- You can throw the ball into the sky
- In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.
Nutt: Right! Now go throw that ball into the well, and remember: we'll get the footballs later. What's outside of Nutt Valley, son?
Stanley: Losers and broken glass, sir.
Nutt: That's right! GIGGITY BOTARKUS, and git it, son!
Stanley throws balls into the well. He hears them hit the walls, then the sides, and then come to a dull clunk. He throws around ten balls until one hits something. A dull moan escapes from the well. He approaches, and looks down the maw of the well.
Stoerner: DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP FALLING OVER---
Masoli: Thirsty down here brah. Beer me.
Nutt: Nathan! FLANGNABBIT I told you not to look down there!
Stanley: IT'S ALL LIES! LIES! I BET MY HAIR DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS IN ORDER TO PLAY QB GOOD EITHER, DOES IT!
Nutt: It accentuates your sleek and aerodynamic head, DANG GIGGITARD! NECESSARY FOR BALL-THROWIN' PHYSICTIVITY! COME BACK!
Stanley runs, and runs, and keeps running until the horizon. Nutt grabs his assistant.
Nutt: Go tell the team Nathan left Nutt Valley. He's been eaten by gerbils.
Assistant: Pretty sure they just eat plants, Coach.
Nutt: OUTSIDE OF NUTT VALLEY THEY DON'T, BRANGGARKNUS.
Assistant: Yes. What are we going to do about the QB situation, sir?
Nutt: Wait for a Forcier brother to show up, I guess. There's always one a them loose, right?
Assistant: Certainly, sir. There certainly is.