HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25: SPRING EDITION

Howard Schnellenberger's semi-regular poll entry covers the spring and all that is good in life in the season of rebirth and new life. Enjoy.

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1. Suspenders. Preferably with a pair of smart short pants and white loafers.

2. SMU. Heard they got themselves a coach named "June." Had a nurse named "Brad" for my last doctor's visit, and he lost his cellular phone checking my man-glands. Not judging.

3. Baseball. Marlins games are nice. They won't let me go back until I promise not to shoot clay pigeons from centerfield, though. Don't know about that Chris Coghlan. You think an Irishman would greet a little stray buckshot like a child playing in a lawn sprinkler.

4. The Kunterooski. My favorite trick play from my days at Louisville, named after our All-American punter Handley Kunter. He was an angry man.

5. Transition lenses. Portable cataracts. Evens out my night blindness with all-day blindness.

6. The Kentucky Derby. You might think my prize mule Othello won't ever make the field. But I'll be damned if I ever stop trying.

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Florida Atlantic Football Coach Howard Schnellenberger rips Bo Pelini's right arm from his socket in FAU after their September 2009 matchup resulting in a 49-3 Nebraska victory and a week long hospital stay for Pelini. The two are close friends now and speak weekly via Telex.

 

7. FAU's Spring Fundraiser, the Owls For Bowels Pay Toilet Campaign. Lock all the bathrooom doors on campus for a day and charge admission. Not approved yet.


8. Crocs. Best digestive aid I can recommend, but be sure to brine before eating.

9. Turfman's Edible Rosemary Suspenders. A pair of these Turfman's fine MAN-Tainence products are aromatic, durable, and wrap their loving woven arms around lamb on the grill like a Greek on...well, on a young, coy lamb.

10. Fruit Bats. Charming, affectionate, occasionally violent and will do anything for sugar and a hug. The Michael Irvin of the Chiroptera order, if you will.

11. The Oklahoma Drill. Not the practice drill, but the cocktail: one part white lightning, two parts Sun Drop, and one rusty drill bit for garnish. A man can finish the bit in one swallow, but a gentleman chews it until it's gone.

12. Hoda Kotb. I was her Pharaoh, and she my queen. Never seen a woman with a hang clean like that before, and not since.

13. The Blooming of the Schnellenberger Cookie Bushes. Ants get on 'em pretty quickly, but extra protein on my cookie doesn't bother this old salt.

14. Sundress month at the Golden Corral. I may not like the Bourbon Chicken, but I like the way it piles up on your plate, if you know what I'm suggesting, ma'am.

15. The humble cane toad. Invasive species? I call 'em immigrants. Immigrants you can spear with a flashlight in the dark with impunity. The poison is like cheap botox. Watch the hallucinations, though: you'll look ten years younger but fifteen monkey-barrels crazier, too.

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16. Dorf on Golf. An inspiration to amputees with Hitler mustaches worldwide.

17. She-Haw. My never produced pilot for an all-female "Hee-Haw." The network will come around eventually.

18. Those Hollow chocolate crosses they sell down the Rite-Aid. With the top portion chewed away, makes a handy flask for Sunday services.

19. Rabbits making sweet romance on my lawn. Churn those eggs, you furry lotharios!

20. My business law class on Monday and Wednesday nights at FAU. We're watching Trading Places again next week. Jamie Lee Curtis is the kind of man you'd like to meet in Patpong, if you understand my sailor's lingo.

 

21. Stroker Ace. Dale Earnhardt should have raced his final race in a chicken suit just like Burt Reynolds, because as sad as his death was, he'd still be wearing a chicken suit, and that would have made it a little easier for all of us.

22. My traditional slimming All-Potted-Meat Fast from June 1st to June 15th. 


23. Waffles. They're just fascist pancakes, but Francisco Franco wasn't wrong about everything.

24. Lantana. Bet Smurfs use these as bouquets on dates. They better not take mine, though. That's what my pellet gun and the grub hoe are for. Are smurfs real? I hope not, but you can never be too prepar

25. Driving ranges. You keep driving golf balls all you like. You call it a driving range, and I'll just pretend I'm in a sunny hailstorm while steering the Monte Carlo on some of the most beautiful open grass in Broward County. Not my fault you don't understand the King's English.

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Howard Schnellenberger is a legendary football coach, raconteur, and dandy. He made that New Orleans Bowl Trophy all by himself.

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