GENE CHIZIK LECTURES ON ENERGY VAMPIRES

From ESPN's Chris Low this morning:

"They’re going to say what they’re going to say and discuss what they’re going to discuss, and you have absolutely no control over that. I call those energy vampires. They’re not going to suck my energy out worrying about that. That’s how we work."

Gene Chizik enters the Auburn coaches' conference room. 

Chizik: Good morning. War Eagle.

All: WAR EAGLE.

Chizik: I've called you here for a special meeting. We need to discuss energy vampires.

Trooper Taylor: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH. Vampires!

Taylor waves his towel for eight minutes straight.

Gus Malzahn: If we could be brief please. I have an art installation that debuts in Munich in three days and I am still not happy with its composition.

Chizik: Of course, Gustav, of course. You know you can leave whenever you want--I mean, leave the meeting. Not us. Please don't ever leave us. Please. I'm begging you. Don't go. Ever.

Gustav: We shall see. Art's only loyalty is to art, and yet you ask science of me. One moment. 

He answers his phone. The ringtone is this.

Gustav: Sprechen. Was? Die Murmeltiere sind nicht an die Wand genagelt? Die Murmeltiere sind unerlässlich, um das Stück. Sie müssen leben, müssen sie durch die Brust genagelt werden, und sie müssen an der Wand sein? Wie sonst wird mein Punkt, um Authentizität in einer Fabrik, die die Welt, die die Fabrik wird auch nur im Entferntesten klar sein? Wo werden meine Auswirkungen der Pest und Ansteckung gehen? Ich werde sehen, SIE DURCH sodomized KOSAK MOTORRÄDER, Klaus. Verstehst du das? Ja? Ausgezeichnet. All meine Liebe, Gustav.

Trooper Taylor: That's my dawg! All bilingual and shit!

Gustav: I must to my workshop hasten. There has been a grave error in the construction of my work. Coach Roof, do you still have access to your flatmeats purveyor?

Ted Roof: Huh?

Gustav: The odious bumpkin who supplies you with your daily diet of truck-roasted highway opossum?

Ted Roof: [stares into space, drools, envisions Cover 3 with safeties wildly out of position]

Gustav: Sigh. THE MAN WHAT GETS YOU ROADMEAT.

Roof: Yeah-huh! 

Gustav: Tell him to call me. I need Marmots. Like fifty of them.

Roof: Do-what?

Gustav: HAVE 'EM FETCH ME FIFTY ARKANSAN WATER TURKEYS, TED, AND MAKE IT QUICK-LIKE. 

Roof: Gotcha!

Malzahn exits. 

Chizik: Now, I'd like to address why you're here today. The biggest problem for our team this year is going to be one thing, and I want to show you a picture of that one thing.

Chizzysparkles_medium

Ted Roof: OMG OMG OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH--

Chizik reaches beneath the table and hits Roof on the head with an UnderArmour-branded crowbar. Roof winces.

Roof: OWWWWWW---

Chizik: You cannot love him. He is an energy vampire.

Taylor: WOOOO! Bloodsucking gay battery vampires!

[twirls towel]

Chizik: I do not mean this in a figurative way. Energy vampires are real. They will suck our energy, wear skinny jeans, and make us weak when we cannot afford to be weak. As head football coach, I hope to prepare you for dealing with the energy vampires. Please note the following tips. 

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Chizik: I hope you understand how serious the energy vampire threat is. Please give this to the players in your position meetings with them, too, especially those of you on offense. I don't want Cam to get near one of these things. If we lose him for the year, I--

A hush falls over the room.

Chizik: What? I hate it when you guys do that! What about Cam?

Trooper Taylor spins his towel in front of Chizik, who is instantly hypnotized.

Taylor: Y'all leave. I got this.

Assistant coach Curtis Luper: How long can you do that?

Taylor: Did it to Phil Fulmer for four years, so long enough, I s'pose.

FIN

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