THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/23/2011

Fearless Leader is in Birmingham to-day, on a TOP SECRET SPORTS MISSION that most certainly does not involve attempting to snap pictures of Harvey Updyke in the wild. Nope. Does not. We've loaded the Index with a few of his favorite things, so he has something to coo at in the airport.

Do you have problems with your sensuality, son? The OBC don't, and if you're going to just stand there gogglin' you may as well get to oiling his shoulders. Step lively, now.

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Welp.

It slices! It dices! It may not qualify academically, but assures you that all that shit's under control! The Jadeveon Clowney action figure is real, and had he committed to Alabama, rest assured the state legislature there would have already legalized idol worship.

Mike Bob Stoops Loses Football Games Practices. BREAKING: Voluntary offseason workouts are sometimes not so voluntary, particularly at major college football programs! It will not surprise a certain swath of our readership to learn who screwed this up for everybody:

According to a letter sent to NCAA director of secondary enforcement Chris Strobel, the university started an investigation after a player refused to sign a weekly practice log and then provided Oklahoma's compliance director with a recording of defensive backs coach Willie Martinez asking why he had missed a voluntary workout.

And speaking of Dub-Mart: Remember his "Widespread Panic Dancer On The Verge Of Collapse" pass defense at Georgia? The attendant culture, at least, appears to be contagious.

Ask your doctor if your meth-blinking may be a sign of something more serious. The caption on this video reads, "Danny Wuerffel drops by Tower Hill Insurance with a few friends," and we're just going to inform you of that fact and get out of this video's way:

Lane Kiffin also ruins Tennessee basketball. We'll have more up on this later, and for the record, we count ourselves very nearly alone in our home state as far as wanting to never, ever have to hear about our year under the Dauphin again, but sure: We are all for sanctions for Kiffykins' actions at UT following him to USC, because we tried to be even-handed with their prissy, butthurt bandwagon of fans all last season and all that got us was an email inbox full of rape threats, and poorly-written ones at that. Cheerio.

Urbz get $$. This link posted for the photo contained therein, where you will see one "Urban Meyer" very pointedly NOT playing footsie under the desk with Tom Luginbill. Nope. Not happening.

Tommy Tuberville says his offense is flat. No, we're pretty sure he means that as a bad thing. This time.

Are you not entertained? Go forth, and read another sobering piece on football and brainboxes. Football as a gladiator sport grows less metaphorical with each passing revelation.

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