AUBURN TREES POISONED: THE LORAX SPEAKS

The trees at Toomer's Corner have been poisoned at Auburn University by someone who called into the Finebaum Show to brag about it. In times like this when reason fails, we declare your reason invalid, and resort to poetry and photoshop.

pat-dye-the-lorax.jpg


"What's more," slurred the Lorax, (his dander was up)

"Let me say a few words about The Tiggity-Tide,

Your fans they blab on, day and night without stop

Of your trophies and bophies and Finebaumy slop

And what do you do with this mountain of poo?

I'll show you, as soon as I refresh my cocktaileroo,"

 

[the Lorax fills a 64 ounce jug with whiskey and three drops of water.]

 

No more rolling the trees at the Toomery-Too,

No more rolling the trees, since they've poisoned the yews!

An arboreal assassin has tainted the leaves! 

And ruined the rollings of Brad, Thad, and multiple Steves!

 

I sat silent, the Lorax his words to my ears

Had stung me cold, for it was me I fear

Who'd poisoned the trees, and ended children's dreams

Of toilet papery japery and capery on the corner, it seems.

 

His eyes grew black. His hair rose with rage!

"We'll plant another, and another, and another, you'll see!

With the seed comes the sprout, and the sprout makes the tree!

We'll grow them so huge, and roll them with care 

And build lofty fences to keep your ilk away

'All-in' we'll cry, for Auburn we are! 

We'll spend what we have, and then spend some more

We've done it on football! WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE!

 

 

And know that when we space 

The holes for the trees to replace

I'll add in

The special gin

To make their branches race

 

To the sky they'll take!

With thick trunks they'll make

Fair Auburn trees more strong

Than the sting of the wrong

That made the Tigers ache.

 

For under each one

I'll haul 

A little piece of your sainted Paul

To let y'all see 

How a tree

Lives far longer than you ever could

Or any football fan ever should

Off the corpse of a single Bear."

 

And then the Lorax smiled, and went to play pantsless golf for the rest of the day.

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