THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/10/2011

TAKE THAT, TRICK SHOT QUARTERBACK. Sure, get big-headed off getting as far as the Daily Mail with your amazing trick throws, kid. Ask yourself: have I ever pulled THIS off ever, much less in the middle of an important game?

No? We didn't think so. QEDMF. Additionally, you haven't pulled off the awesome trick of becoming the third Forcier brother to transfer from their initial school in search of playing time. The Helicopter Fathering Association of America doesn't even have an award for the triple crown pulled off there, though if you could somehow finagle NCAA regulations and allow all three Forcier brothers to assemble in one place they might add up to one starting quarterback. Maybe. Sort of.

The QB Force website has the following image, where Bo Schembechler is Yoda and QB FORCE/Tate is Luke Skywalker. We do not all share the same reality.

Boda_thumb_medium

"Where? Hell or Walgreen's, kid, since I'm pretty sure we're all out of Pedialyte for bed-shitting babies like you. I don't really care, since I'm dead and not a pussy. I'm gonna go play bocce with Woody Hayes, and accidentally elbow him in the balls on every third throw. He loves it. " 

NORM CHOW ISN'T ABOUT THE MONEY, ESPECIALLY WHEN LIVING EXPENSES ARE HALF OF WHAT THEY ARE IN LOS ANGELES.  Norm Chow will take a pay cut from $640,000 a year annually at UCLA to $275,000 at his new gig in Utah, still a substantial dip even when you factor in the differential in living expenses between L.A. and Salt Lake City. (Somewhere around a 30% difference not factoring in home prices, by our best five minutes of amateur salary research.) Then again, Chow would probably pay that much in cash in order to be working with better talent and to not have to work with it out of the Pistol formation, so mission accomplished, sir.

SO HE ADMITS HE BUILT A PIPE FULL OF SHIT FOR THREE YEARS, AT LEAST.  We suppose you can't ever admit it was you if you were a coach, at least not without possessing a mind and spirit of such unique resilience you can disassemble yourself, examine the parts, and then rebuild with success. Very few people have the capacity for such self-surgery; the only ones at the college level we can remember doing this kind of complete overhaul of their approach are Pete Carroll prior to taking the USC job. The rest soldier on, gut-shot and limping toward the finish line muttering "I'm fine, I'm fine."

Rich Rodriguez falls into one of those categories. It is not the former.

I almost felt like Andy Dufresne in 'Shawshank Redemption.' You know, you look through 300 yards of the foulest-smelling crap you can imagine, and we're finally getting to the good part at the end, and we didn't get a chance to do that with … 21 starters coming back and the player of the year in the league. We just thought it was all out in front of us and going to have a whole lot of fun, and the work that we put in to get to that point, we don't get a chance to see."

As Hinton points out, there is literally no factual basis to believe in shred one of this analogy for a second, at least in any sense but that of the creature who struggles through the crap, sees the light at the end of the tunnel, and then plops into this world and realizes it is a walking turdbeast. Turdbeast is a word, mostly because we just said it was. #Turdbeastin2K11

GROWN MAN CHOOSES GROWN MAN AS NEW OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR. The hiring of the relatively obscure NFL assistant Todd Monken to govern the Oklahoma State offense means Mike Gundy will have a heavy hand in running the Cowboys' attack this year, which is fine since he was quite good at both as an assistant and head coach. He will also have to clean out the stuff Dana Holgorsen left in his office, including the stack of vintage Juggs magazines he stuffed behind the dead radiator. You're welcome, Todd.

SCHNELLY THEN BROKE LOOSE FOR A 184 YARD RUN TO DENNY'S, WHERE HE SCORED A WAITRESS AND TWO GRAND SLAM SPECIALS. Jim Kelly looks like he's playing around here, but he clearly has forgotten that Coach Schnellenberger never jokes about anything, especially football. He keeps the pipe in his mouth because a train never spits out its own smokestack.

HAIL SATAN. We're entirely comfortable with Florida's role here. HAIL SATAN.

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