The Senior Bowl's short form erotica contest is one of our favorite activities of the offseason. Prospects show up assuming they will be evaluated on their football skills, and instead are asked to parade nearly naked in a hotel conference room in front of a crowd of total strangers in an impromptu physique contest. As much as we love the dearly departed Jack LaLanne--
[Tows boat across Lake Lanier with teeth while writing this post]
--It seems a bit unfair, especially when you have athletes in the NFL doing brilliantly with less-than-Olympian physiques.
Still, the sweaty-palmed Blue Boy confessionals come in tiny, ever-entertaining bits. None are funnier than Draft Countdown's thumbnail sketches of the underwear party that broke out in Mobile yesterday. We mock with love and blockquotes below.
Jake Locker: Notes: Very thick with a solid build, but just average tone.
Inadequate bass levels, as well. Todd McShay thought you had subwoofers, Jake. Where is your booming system now, fair quasi-Tebow? [Todd McShay weeps.]
Ricky Stanzi: Big and sturdy with terrific definition.
JUST LIKE AMERICA.
Da'Rel Scott: Notes: Thick, but stiff with average definition.
Are we even talking about running backs anymore? Because this sounds like we're talking about his penis. And if his penis merely had average definition within the confines of his compression shorts, then this is clearly NOT NFL-level public erectile skills on display here. True story: when Ray Lewis lined up at the Senior Bowl, he broke the scale in half with a single swing of his upright member.
Edmund Gates, Abilene Christian: Notes: Good tone and rangy frame. TATS!
TATS TATS TATSTATSTATS everybaaaaaddaaayyyy. The all-caps TATS! confirms our suspicions that some observers of pro football prospects assume what we do: that tattoos make you faster and stronger, and the more numerous and jailhouse-ish they are, the better. This theory first came to us in brief studies of MMA, where most rightly believe that shitty Russian jailhouse tattoos make you punch harder. If Edmund Gates begins rocketing up draft boards despite average tangibles, consider the theory to have taken a hard grip on the jumblies of scouts everywhere.
Titus Young Notes: Thin with no definition. Goofy gait. Small chicken-like legs.
This has now solidified our decision to draft Titus young first on our fantasy team. "No dignity whatsoever to his walk. Even his stride is a laughable tribute to clownishness!" In case you didn't know, the scout has now morphed into an evil rich person from a Balzac novel, and is having their carriage driver intentionally splash Titus Young by running through a filthy puddle.Your poverty is written into your very countenance, dear boy you'll never make it to the Seventh Arrondissement HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gabe Carimi Notes: Large and carries weight well, but soft belly.
"I don't know, Steve. I'm a bit concerned about his conditioning. On the other hand, I'm sure he would make the most delicious pork belly of anyone at this draft. You know, in case we're trapped here indefinitely and need to begin devouring each other."
"That's right, Todd. I'd cook Gabe Carimi in a red wine reduction at a low temperature for several hours, and then serve with some parsnips. Really underrated root vegetable there."
"Great call, Steve."
We would just like to pause before the big reveal and tell you that this is our favorite description of a prospect at a weigh-in ever. Proceed.
Notes: Squatty with thick midsection and manboobs.
Good lord, next time just say he's "The Christina Hendricks of this class" or something. The proper word is "zaftig," and for the sake of men's body images everywhere we wish you would use it, size-ist.
Ian Williams Notes: Fireplug who is thick and solid with bubble butt.
Finally, it would be quite the cheapness to knock a punter's physique. After all, while they are "athletes," they're not "Athletes," and therefore not required to have the face-shredding physiques you might see at other positions. Therefore, criticizing their lack of rippedness would be the lowest of---
Alex Henery Notes: Ordinary person. Looks like a computer geek.
COME ON NOW. At least they only single out Henery, who to be fair is a fine punter and---
Josh Jasper Notes: Looks like a grocery store stock boy.
SO DID KURT WARNER AND HE'S AT HOME ATOP HIS MILLIONS AND HIS GOBLIN WIFE YOU BASTARDS.