SHOCKING NEWS! Notre Dame Plays Football Game, Does Normal Things Fairly Well

SOUTH BEND, IN - In a stunning development on Saturday, the University of Notre Dame (IN) football team engaged Purdue University's team in a game of American tackle football. The team arrived at Notre Dame Stadium on time, properly dressed, with all of their shoes on the correct feet. Aghast witnesses report that the players appeared to be conditioned for athletic activity, and the coaches resembled normal human beings.

Stunned onlookers report that coach Brian Kelly is of approximately average height and weight for an adult male human.

On offense, Notre Dame sometimes threw the football, while other times they carried it while running along the ground. Reportedly, this made it more difficult for Purdue's defense to predict what Notre Dame would do next, allowing the Irish to move the football forward toward the endzone. When Notre Dame was unable to achieve a touchdown, amazingly, they kicked the football, which traveled through the air in a parabolic fashion before passing through two yellow uprights.  This tactic, known as a "field goal", increased Notre Dame's point total by 3 each time it was used.

Astonishingly, when Purdue players attempted to move the football forward, Notre Dame players ran toward them and knocked them to the ground, stopping the Boilermakers' progress. Players followed coaches' instructions, lining up in an orderly fashion and working together to achieve a common goal. After playing for 60 minutes, the Irish had acquired more points than their opponent, so they allowed the clock to expire in order to win. They then exited the stadium, presumably to go eat reasonable amounts of food. 

While many witnesses were at a loss to explain what had just ocurred, some were beginning to come to terms with the day's events. One eyewitness went so far as to predict that the football team would continue to practice similar things in order to improve over time. 

Updates as events warrant.