THE CLEMSON TIGER RECALLS A WEEKEND ON THE PLAINS

HEY. UM. 

WHERE'S MY CAR OMG I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING. 

OKAY OKAY OKAY I REMEMBER WE LOST ON A BAD SNATCH OR WHATEVER THAT IS WHAT THE HELL REFEREES I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT AND MAKE A KICKER KICK THE DAMN BALL TWICE BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN IN THE BATHROOM WITH MY BRO STEVE HE'S SO COOL AND THEN WE CAME OUT AND THERE WAS THIS COP AND WE WERE LIKE SHIT! COPS! BUT HE SEEMED COOL AND HE DIDN'T WASH HIS HANDS AFTER HE PISSED AND I GUESS THAT'S AUBURN FOR YOU LOL HEY IT'S NICE OUTSIDE TODAY MY ARM HURTS BUT THIS BEATS WAKING UP IN TALLAHASSEE WITH A SORE ASS AND NO TAIL THAT WAS NOT A CHILL TIME--

---SO THEN WE'RE LIKE FUCK THIS SUCKS WHAT'S UP IN AUBURN AND MY BRO STEVE IS LIKE SHIT LET'S GO WATCH SOME PEOPLEFIGHTING AND I'M LIKE YEAH SURE WHAT'S PEOPLEFIGHTING AND HE SAID IT'S LIKE COCKFIGHTING BUT WITH PEOPLE AND THEY HAVE FIREWORKS AND HAMMERS TAPED TO THEIR ARMS AND I SAID YEAH THAT'S AWESOME SO WE WENT AND GOT SOME MORE *WINK* FUNDUST *WINK* AND THEN WE GOT INTO THE BACK OF A TRUCK AND SOME GUY SAID HE WAS THE GOVERNOR AND I SAID LOL AND HE SAID NO SERIOUSLY I AM IF YOU TELL ANYONE I'LL HAVE YOU FED TO PIGS AND I WAS LIKE NOW WAY DUDE TIGERS MAKE SHITTY BACON AND I'M ALL ABOUT SECRECY UNLESS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HERPES STATUS OF TESTUDO THAT BITCH IS SCALY AND INFECTED--

--SO IT'S THE GOVERNOR AND STEVE AND ME AND BUNCH OF DUDES IN AN OLD BARN THAT SMELLED LIK CHLOROFORM AND MANBUTT AND THEYRE DRINKING AND SMOKING AND THESE DUDES ARE FIGHTING AND I DUNNO MAYBE I PUT A BET ON THE GAME BUT SCARED MONEY NEVER MADE MONEY AND YOU GOTTA ROLL PLUS I LIKED THS FAT DUDE'S SWAG MAN HE JUST WENT OUT GUT FIRST LIKE SCREW YOU WORLD HERE'S MY DICK HERALD OF A BELLY AND I'M NODDING AND THEN HE GETS KNOCKED OUT WITH A MALLET IN THE FIRST ROUND AND EVERYONE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE IT'S CHINATOWN AND I'M MADE OF DOGSTEAK OR IS THAT KOREANS OR BOTH I'M TIRED AND THEY SAY YOU OWE US FIFTEEN GRAND AND I'M LIKE SHIT THEY KNOW I'M HIGH AND WHAT I NEVER SAID FIFTEEN GRAND AND THEY'RE LIKE WE THINK YOU DID AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT BECAUSE I'VE GOT FIFTEEN GRAND LIKE KYLE PARKER HAS THREE GOOD RIBS AFTER THAT MESS AND--

--ANYWAY I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING AFTER THAT AND I SWEAR YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME THE GOVERNOR OF ALABAMA AND SOMEONE ELSE IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THAT LANE KIFFIN GUY COACHING AUBURN I HUNG OUT WITH HIM ONCE HE DOESN'T SHARE KIND OF A DICK ANYWAY ANYWAY THOSE GUYS I THINK THOSE GUYS NAILED MY ARM TO HOWARD'S ROCK AND STOLE MY CAR WHICH IS FINE THEY CAN PAY THE NOTE ON THAT BITCH IF THEY WANT TO BUT YEAH THIS HURTS CAN YOU JUST GO GET SOME BACTINE AND A SHITLOAD OF PAPER TOWELS MAN THIS STINGS I CAN'T MOVE BUT WHEN WE DO WE SHOULD CALL TIFFANY AND JUST HANG OUT SHE'S GOT A HOT TUB AND MY GOD MY HEAD HURTS LIKE THE DEVIL USED MY HEAD FOR A FLESHLIGHT AND DON'T LOOK BACK BEHIND THIS ROCK HERE MAN BECAUSE THERE WAS A LITTLE EMERGENCY IN THE EARLY MORNING AND I TOOK CARE OF IT BUT YOU PROLLY DON'T WANT TO STEP TOO CLOSE GOD MY ARM--