HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER'S TOP 25

As he does on a bi-weekly basis, coaching legend Howard Schnellenberger shares his top 25 with EDSBS. 

1. Suspenders. For the 74th week in a row. To be the champ you have to beat the champ, so see you next week, gravity. 

2. Virginia Tech. I know you might think this is a little crazy, but you have to like a team that shows respect for our nation's smallest Founding Father like that. 

3. Grenadine. Reports of it being a gateway drug to Rose's Lime Juice are greatly exaggerated.

4. Toothpick holders. The quiver for a gentleman's quiver of meat-seeking arrows, and keeps the weeds out of the picket fence of your face. 

5. Barbara Bel Geddes. Made myopia look sexy. 

6. The Appalachians. Not uppity and full of pretention like the Rockies. Mountains you can relate to, and not just because they're full of murderous parasites just like the average human body. 

7. Red Lobster's Crabfest. When they say "the best time to crack it," I say "you better give me a corner booth, sweetbelly"

8. Catamarans. Don't know who decided a boat and a trampoline needed to have a baby, but I owe them a debt of gratitude. When they make a car you drive tipping over while standing on the side, I'll be first in line. 

9. Leeches. If you have to ask, you deserve death by modern medicine.

10. Tennessee mules. Carries your golf clubs for 18 holes. Improves your lie every four holes. Makes the grass greener every eight or so. Takes you home after the 19th without any static from the police. 

11. Boxing. The Jews have to have one sport, and Max Schmeling is its king.

12. Unfiltered Cigarettes. Cheaper, and the filters just stick in your throat, anyway. 

13. Old Spice Original. I've been eating sticks of it for years and I still don't have Alzheimer's, scientists.

14. White carpet. I like it because it's the carpet that makes memories for you out of dirt, red wine, and blood.

15. Touch tone phones. Because I consider myself something of a futurist.

16. Justin Bieber, in his natural habitat. Tied to a pole on my back porch in farmer's clothes and a tinfoil hat, to keep squirrels out of my damn petunias.

17. Turfman's Universal Dust of Pesticidal Nature and All-Natural Laxative For Husky Males.  Keeps my tomatoes plump, my cucumbers fresh, and my colon as clean as a Nipponese sidewalk. 

18. Natalie Portman I like the cut of that young man's jib.

19. Gold ingots. Heat 'em up in the fireplace and toss a few between the sheets for a toasty upscale sleep.

20. Citrus trees. They're why I stay in Florida. I like a plant with sultry curves.

21. Rose quartz. Goes with everything. I like mine in oatmeal.

22. Cars with wood paneling. Like a yacht you drive on the highway, though the dragging anchor does cut down on the mileage something fierce. 

23. Ronnie Milsap. Could use a bit more imagery in his songs, but as a blind fellow it has to be hard not just writing songs about good foods you smell, because that's I would do if I were a blind singer. 

24. The 22 Point Fourth Quarter Bonus Field Goal. It was my understanding that if your team trailed by a prime number in the fourth quarter, then the 22 point Fourth Quarter Bonus Field Goal was in play, but I know not everyone plays by the Burmese Donkey Corps Recreational League Rules I coached under from 1989-1991. And that's the real shame here. 

25. Iron Lungs. Spend three hours a day in one whether I like it or not. Tip: throw a turkey in your pants, get some shuteye, and dinner's ready to go when you wake up.