FULMER CUPDATE: FLORIDA DRINKS STATIONARY-LIKE, MIZZOU DRINKS ON THE GO

"Hey, I'm...I'm gonna need a ride. My car won't start unless I breathe into it, and that is NOT gonna work right now."

 

The 2010 Fulmer Cup season closes on Wednesday night at 11:59 p.m., with under 72 hours left to go in the competition. Unlike the final stage of the Tour de France, this is not a formality, as several teams appear to be driving forward boldly to the finish line despite Georgia's commanding lead.*

* A quick note on this: you do know that Georgia players, as much as we would love to deride them as a Florida fan, did little more than stumble around drunk and do dumb things drunk college students do, right? This isn't a nest of criminal vipers ready to spring from Athens and ensnare the state of Georgia in a web of criminality and vice. Georgia's already well on its way towards that state anyway, and a bunch of tipsy dudes with enormous hang cleans and good 40 times aren't going to make it any worse.

The late entries, with one in particular being late in another sense of the word entirely: 

MIZZOU: The position of Player Automotive Coordinator might not be a good idea for Georgia alone. Mizzou racks up its third DWI charge of the offseason, this time for the mellifluously named long snapper Beau Brinkley, who when not long-snapping or appearing in the third panel of an HBO series credits as "Bar Patron #6"sometimes gets arrested early on a Sunday for overly chill motoring. The likely tip-off: Brinkley was driving with improperly tinted windows, the policeman's invitation to pull you over. Just bypass the tint next time and brazenly pick your nose in broad daylight, son. When they catch you, wave to them with your finger stuck in your nose, especially if it's a car full of kids. They'll think you're even cooler than the janitor at their middle school who sells weed and caffeine pills in between exchanging complex handshakes with them! 

The DWI and repeat offender points are three and one, respectively, so a total of four points are hereby awarded to Mizzou. Student Lifestyle Coordinator: the hot new position for wise athletic departments everywhere in 2010 and '11. 

FLORIDA: Matt Elam is a massive incoming freshman safety at Florida, and also is Loko for them Lokos. CUE DEPLORABLE PROMOTIONAL RAP. 

Elam was seen holding a can of Four Loko, a horrible alcohol/energy drink combo like all other horrible alcohol/energy drinks, but in a dazzling variety of shitty flavors, too! Think of it as Sparks, but marketed to young African Americans instead of Jets fans. The minor-in-possession charge is still unresolved since Elam tried to pay with a check because he's just classy like that, and Alachua county does not trifle with your checks, potentially uncreditable and dodgy student financier.

Fellow Gator Solomon Patton also falls out of the ritualized cleaning of the summer court records with a minor in possession charge as he tried to pass off a vodka beverage at a club instead of doing what he should have done: guzzling the drink, slamming it down, and screaming "GOTCHA SUCKAS" at the police. This would have resulted in the same charges because police bent on citing people will just do it anyway, but it's important to win and lose with style. 

UTEP: Wideout Evan Davis fails conflict resolution, tackles his girlfriend, and is charged with assault causing body injury/family violence, interference with emergency call, and failure to maintain financial responsibility. Details are sketchy, but if it's assault (felony) plus two misdemeanors, that's likely five points plus the "Hitting girls" bonus, since tackling your girlfriend certainly qualifies here. Six points for UTEP total here are awarded. 

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