OREGON STATE WINS THE SPECIAL JURY PRIZE (FOR NAKED TASING)
by Spencer Hall on Aug 23, 2010 5:05 PM EDT
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Oregon State, you just can't stop being your brilliant selves. You make your own fun in Corvallis, a relatively isolated environment that has pushed Oregon State football players to the edge of what we may consider possible in off-the-field diversion. We have seen gay sheep who later decided they were into ewes stolen by defensive linemen. We have seen safeties singlehandedly demolish bus stops. We have seen drunk Beavers on golf carts. We have seen drunk Beavers in boats.
Yet we have not seen the best from Oregon State's Academy of Fun Manufacture...until today.
According to information from the Corvallis Police Department, at about 4:51 a.m., police were called to 519 N.W. 14th Street after a 32-year-old woman reported there was a naked man in the upstairs office of her residence.
[CUE CREEPY VOICE OF ROBERT STACK. Cover camera in gauzy, sinister filter]
When officers arrived, they ordered him to get on the ground several times, but he refused.
[Show creepy neon-lit bedroom, Z-rank actor naked from behind gesturing angrily at policemen. Woman with crimped hair cringes behind them.Stack: HE REFUSED TO COOPERATE FOR UNKNOWN, POSSIBLY SINISTER REASONS.]
Then Thomas, who had reportedly been drinking, got into a "three-point stance" and lunged at the officers, who Tased him. Thomas was booked into Benton County Jail but was released later the same day.
[Stack: HIS WHEREABOUTS ARE CURRENTLY UNKNOWN. Show creepy shot of the woods, naked man walking through forest, and show horrible, menacing sketch of suspect.]
We're not even going to worry about Fulmer Cup points for the moment. Sometimes, quantifying something cheapens it. Attaching a number to getting tased naked after pass rushing the Corvallis police in a strange apartment is one of those moments. Just appreciate the grandeur of the moment here, and the skill of an artiste at work in his finest medium.
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Is there anyone suprised at this?
“The Naked 3 Point Stance” is the go-to move for any 300lb+ lineman when he is hemmed up by the cops,until the cops tazer his balls off.
"THE DAY I CAN'T GET YOU GUYS TO GET IT RIGHT I'M GONNA GO TO THE LAKE SIT ON THE DOCKS AND WATCH THE DUCKS Sh*t IN THE YARD!"
Damn you Unsolved Mysteries theme!
Now I’m too scared to leave my house again! This is going to take weeks to get over…
I swear to Pat Dye's pants I will make Trudy Campbell my wife!
Ahhhhhh! Nightmares!
Unsolved Mysteries scared the shit out of 8-year-old Flyer.
I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments.
by boddagettaflyer on Aug 23, 2010 6:17 PM EDT up reply actions
Well
I think “Naked 3pt. Stance” is the name of my fantasy football team this year.
Pigskin Punditry
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I reject your reality and substitute my own." ~ Adam Savage, Mythbusters
by D-Sing on Aug 23, 2010 5:14 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Interestingly
He was in a 3 point stance with both hands in the air. Respect.
by ramblingamblinjohn on Aug 23, 2010 5:19 PM EDT reply actions
Tasing
angry naked beavers is generally not recommended.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Aug 23, 2010 5:22 PM EDT reply actions
However
The Angry Beavers were always naked:
by An 'eer with a beer on Aug 23, 2010 6:50 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
Tyler Thomas == Daggett Doofus Beaver
From wiki..
Daggett is crazy and hyper, and typically portrayed as manic and sometimes delusional. His trademark phrase is “That was nuts!”…. He gets in trouble like in “Too Loose Latrine”, he gets the urge to tinkle but can’t find a bathroom.He is generally considered the less intelligent of the two beavers, though some areas of his personality show that he is smarter than he appears to be.
"It’s not Disneyland, people. Get the hell out of the way." NYC Firefighter
by jokastrength on Aug 23, 2010 11:34 PM EDT up reply actions
The 3 point stance has to be worth bonus points.
That shows a dedication that most college guys just can’t muster.
I don’t think they were worried about a hidden gun on him.
Bonus: Mugshot
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Aug 23, 2010 5:36 PM EDT up reply actions
Beaver with a mullet?
Beaver with a mullet.
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Aug 23, 2010 5:40 PM EDT up reply actions
Gahh...
Benton county just sent out an APB…
Here’s another pic…
by ESS EEE SEE Speed on Aug 23, 2010 5:49 PM EDT up reply actions
Holy blessed shit
Ok, MERCY. That mullet, plus nudity, plus trespassing, plus three point stance, plus attacking when outnumbered by police officers, plus being tazed… logically that’s 6 bonus points, but really we should just make it 10 because you know it’s what God really wants.
________________
STRONG LIKE BOAR
by Ronnie D on Aug 23, 2010 6:10 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
I think we need...
a Fulmer Cup hall of fame, of some sort.
Los Angeles is like Manchester. There is a red team that wins championships and a blue team that doesn't.
I was thinking perhaps another annual individual award
In honor of the good work being put in by the Or. St. footbaw team.
Along with the Ellis T. Jones award, perhaps the Crazy Beaver award?
by ChrisCappsFTW on Aug 24, 2010 1:55 PM EDT up reply actions
The Fulmer Cup used to have an award for most-amusing arrest...
Named after Oregon State’s very own Ben Seigert for his role in the Great Gay Sheep Caper.
Haven’t seen the award handed out the past few years though.
Just out of curiousity...
If you are holding a cop while he tazes you, will the electricity get the cop too?
Holding as long as the refs dont call it, except the refs in this instance have tazers.
I would like to see phots of the 32 yr old cougar in question, ya know, for a reference.
"THE DAY I CAN'T GET YOU GUYS TO GET IT RIGHT I'M GONNA GO TO THE LAKE SIT ON THE DOCKS AND WATCH THE DUCKS Sh*t IN THE YARD!"
Then the cop aimed the Taser at his own face and probably deserved it
You see what I did there? Yeeeaaaaaahhhh.
1. Probably not much of a current could be transferred. Skin is a pretty good barrier, which is why the taser tips break the skin. I learned that this weekend.
2. I thought a cougar would have to be at least in her 40s, but even if I were in my 70s and hadn’t seen fresh meat in decades, I’d be repelled by that mullet.
—Cougar
by 32YO Cougar on Aug 23, 2010 10:41 PM EDT up reply actions
Didja-eva?
get so drunk you walked into strange house in the middle of the night and took off all your clothes? Yeah, me neither.
"I like the taste of danger most of all." - Jonatha Brooke
Suggestion:
Create a new Fulmer Cup award. Perhaps the “Gary Barnett Memorial Trophy for Achievement in Individual Cock-Ups.”
Bud Light presents: real men of genius
real men of genius
Today we salute you: Mr. Naked Tasered Oregon State Football Player.
Mr. Naked Tasered Oregon State Football Player!
You know that to really invade someone’s home properly, you must go au naturale.
Can I borrow your bathrobe?
Its one thing to be arrested. But charging the cops from a three-point stance while being tased, is quite another.
Careful where you shoot that!
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh nudist of the gridiron. Because thanks to you, we’ll never think about running a naked bootleg the same way again.
Mr. Naked Tasered Oregon State Football Player!
Bud Light Brewing, Anheuser-Busch, ST. Louis MO
The K is special
by J.J. FeKl on Aug 23, 2010 7:38 PM EDT reply actions 48 recs
I'm reccing it here, too.
CougCenter Formerly known as Dancing Football
Twitter!
by Craig Powers on Aug 23, 2010 8:06 PM EDT up reply actions
There have been some awesome ones
And this one lives in Valhalla
The new year approaching, click in. Let’s facelift bar! Open the wardrobe is not yet found love after another the right clothes? So, also waiting for? Immediate action bar!
Bud Light, oh nudist of the gridiron.
how about “Oh skinny-dipper of the sidelines”
CGB: Come join the LOLigarchy
by Spazzy Mcgee on Aug 24, 2010 4:23 PM EDT up reply actions
I'm sure 32-YO woman has no idea
how a 19-YO ended up drunk and naked in her apartment.
Curious to see where this all goes.
This 32-YO woman has an idea
He broke in through the back porch. Hence the criminal trespass charge. Then, he woke her up by urinating in on her husband’s computer. Hence the criminal mischief charge. As for the nakedness, who knows? Maybe he didn’t want to dribble on his clothes.
The better question is, how scared shitless was the woman wondering if she could turn her back on a 300lb stranger in her home long enough to call the police. An even better question is, what were the chances that a 9-month pregnant woman could out-run or out-fight a drunken naked dude weighing more than twice as much as her?
The hooker/cougar comments would be funnier if the whole thing wasn’t so unbelievably creepy and sordid. Also, cleaning up his urine probably took some of the fun out of it.
by 32YO Cougar on Aug 23, 2010 10:51 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Down here in the Floridian panhandle, she'd just have shot him.
And for good reason.
"In case you're wondering what the offense should look like, that wasn't it." - Urban Meyer
by cantcatchuf on Aug 24, 2010 10:10 AM EDT up reply actions
Gotta love Florida if nothing else then for it’s belief in keeping unsuspecting trespassers in season year long.
Unsuspecting?
If I was trespassing in the Panhandle, I’d be fearing the bullet every second of every day.
You see what I did there? Yeeeaaaaaahhhh.
Add to the long list of Corvallis funtimeactivities...
You neglected to mention the time the Beaver football players beat up the National Guardsman just back from Iraq. Another proud moment.
He was on leave from Iraq and set to go right back, but that was delayed because of his injuries. He and his friend from his unit, along with their wives (Sapp was white, and his wife was black) were out having a going away party, until the players kicked the crap out of him while throwing out the racial slurs. The best football player of the group was suspended the final regular season game and the Insight Bowl, but was back for the 1st game the following year. The practice squad guys took the fall though.
And in the Yell-O corner, with a 2009 conference record of 8 wins, 1 loss...the REIGNING...DEFENDING...UNDISPUTED Champions of the PAC TEN...the Oregon Ducks!
by MarineCorpsDuck on Aug 24, 2010 11:04 AM EDT up reply actions
We’re not even going to worry about Fulmer Cup points for the moment. Sometimes, quantifying something cheapens it. Attaching a number to getting tased naked after pass rushing the Corvallis police in a strange apartment is one of those moments. Just appreciate the grandeur of the moment here, and the skill of an artiste at work in his finest medium.
I’m an economics student, everything can be made into numbers dammit!
Es gibt keine Freude wie Schadenfreude
Ok, fine.
Lets score this as a value such that the value awarded is larger than any natural number.
And then we will pay me this same dollar value as a commission.
BCS Evolution -- Punctuating the Equilibrium - twitter
All I can hear is
Da dah da daa da dahhh, Da dah da daa da dahhhhhh.
Thanks for the flashback!
In other news, creepy tan trenchcoat sales rebound.
I love that the filename of the Robert Stack image is unsolvedbeaver.jpg
Insert clever signature here.
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