THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/2/2010

WELCOME OUR NEW AUSTRALIAN QUARTERBACK. Jeremiah Masoli will become Ole Miss' first Mexican quarterback thanks to Houston Nutt offering him the traditional greeting of chicken marsala, poi, and whale blubber in welcoming a thug to Ole Miss, and then singing the traditional song of greeting of his people. HEY MAKALAKA OKA HO HEE HAA. 

Thug is Nutt's term, and you will hear it unfairly quoted a thousand times today, most especially if you decide to engage in a healthy flame war on any SEC message board. (You could exfoliate with a flamethrower, but it's your life. Same effects either way.) 

"I told him, 'Darned, you’re smart, but you’re dumb.’ He said, `I want to prove to you I’m smart, I want to prove to you I’ve got good character.’ I said, `You’ve got a funny way of showing that...."

"I told him, `Look, I don’t have a career record of recruiting criminals,’ " Nutt said. "I said, `Do you realize I’ve got my career on the line? I got eyes on me for taking a thug, that’s what people are saying. You’ve got to be able to handle it and be a positive kid.’ "

It's obvious that Nutt is quoting what other people are saying in context there, so it's worth pointing out that he's saying that's what other people are saying. It's worth pointing out that's what other people are saying according to Houston Nutt.  It's worth pointing out that's what other people are saying according to Nutt. The point should be abundantly clear here, but give dumb hamsters stupid pills and watch them run on the wheel all day long despite repetition. Oh, and in further News in Repetition: Jamar Hornsby, Jamar Hornsby, Jamar Hornsby.

MASOLI IS SALTY AND NOT LACKING IN SAVORY SEASONING LIKE GREG MCELROY. In an otherwise accurate piece of analysis, Doc Saturday makes the mistake of calling Masoli "immediately the most accomplished signal-caller in the conference going into the season," clearly ignoring the clear leader under center in the SEC in terms of quality starts, savvy, experience, moxie, and most importantly, brahsomeness. 

There's also this McElroy guy, but whatever, Mr. Needy-For-Attention "I got a national title and am applying for a Rhodes Scholarship." Some of us know we're the shit and don't need "trophies" or "The Man" or "Myron Rolle's sloppy Oxford seconds" to prove it. If Garcia and double M wanted to bang flat-assed chicks in shitty weather for a year, he would have transferred to UConn and saved some coin. 

BIG TEN MEDIA DAYS AHOY! The BTN will be streaming the entire thing, with Tressel going on at 2 p.m. in time for your postprandial energy crash and desknap. No one brings the bland like Tressel, who really should consider becoming CIA chief after his coaching career strictly because even if he did have sensitive information he could not convey it without obscuring it beneath a pile of platitudes and obfuscating subclauses. If you can stay awake, it's majestic stuff, really. 

The Rivalry, Esq. has your primer, while the preseason polls and projections will surprise no one: Ohio State to Win, Terrelle Pryor for President God, and Michigan State's Greg Jones as best defensive player. 

YOU'LL GO TO THE BIG APPLE OF THE MIDWEST WHEN WE SAY YOU CAN. Derek Dooley is not letting Bryce Brown transfer to Kansas State, presumably because everyone involved in the conversation here has just decided that inside their brain, deep in the animal limbic system where all crucial snap judgments are made, a bag of dicks resides where common sense should sit. 

LOOKING COMFORTABLE. One Pac-10 coach looks like he'd rather be chewing light bulbs than standing in this picture, and one looks like a lesbian we took golf lessons from as a child. READER CHALLENGE FIND THEM AND GO!