If you are on the Alabama football team, congratulations. As an FBS grade athlete at a top 25 school, you undoubtedly possess many qualities the athletically ungifted will never have: ungodly strength, catlike agility, and speed to burn. Life for you is potentially a string of victory trout on a gilded fishing line strung off the bow of the S.S. Wealthy Assmagnet, the finest ship on the seas of life. Well done on the part of you and your inherited genes.
You might want to avoid any risky activities for the next two months, however, and not just because you'd like to see some playing time this fall. Alabama now stands at two over in the scholarship account going into the 2010 season. This marks improvement over the previous situation (google "Brian Cook Alabama Death Threat,") but still means the following things should be avoided if you're a marginal third-stringer whose only real opportunities this year were likely to come in the third quarter of the Tide's
scrimmage game against Georgia State.
Things players may wish to avoid:
- Stairs. Getting hurt on them isn't just for your osteoporotic grandmother anymore (a.k.a. taking a ride on "The Lawrence Phillips Waterslide."
- Getting arrested for anything whatsoever at any time. Is your license renewed? Insurance up to date? If planning on drinking, tie yourself to a sturdy object, turn on the XBox, and do it at home, for Pete's sake. The "Grossman Leash" has saved many a potential public intox case from leaving the house on nights when things can get out of hand.
- Not doing your homework. Now would be a great time to buckle down and focus on those summer classes, lest you let a forgotten assignment attract the glowing red eye of Saban.
- Wild animal attacks in dorm rooms. You never know. Justin Vincent suffered four different attacks by wild animals during his time at LSU when the Tigers were in a scholarship crunch under Saban, but you may not be so lucky. Vincent only escaped thanks to the training in large animal handling his romantic life had given him, so if you, Alabama scholarship player, wish to survive you may want to consider going up in weight class when looking for Friday night companionship.