THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/18/2010

DON'T CRUSH OUR HATE-FILLED FANTASIES. 

Lane Kiffin just gets "Du Hast" running in our head anyway, but if the "logistical difficulties" surrounding the long-delayed signing of Seantrel Henderson to USC turn out to be him flipping to Ohio State, we will wake up pissing ourselves laughing for a week, and it won't be like the last time that happened because that medication has since been banned in 38 countries including the United States, Mexico, and Canada. 

OF COURSE HE'S BACK. NEVER A DOUBT! Urban Meyer was at practice, world spun, no heads exploded, no midday resignations and retractions. We never doubted it!*

PRECIOUS iS JUST GETTING SO BUSY UP THERE. It's fun when you have to explain the media policy for 20 minutes before you start even talking about football, but remember what we said about Dooley? That he knew when to write thank you cards, and had excellent calligraphy, and was superb at remembering birthdays and all the other tiny courtesies someone with the nickname "Precious" would have? 

As for practices, a phone call would be appreciated. "They’re part of the family," Dooley said. "My brother, he lives in Atlanta. He’s a part of my family, but he doesn’t drive up to Knoxville and open up my door … It’s basic human interaction. That’s all it is. "It doesn’t mean I’m excluding my brother because I’d like him to call me before he comes to Knoxville."

Shit, people. Emily Post. EMILY FUCKING POST. It ain't hard! We mock, but...well, we mock, mostly, since there's no telling what Dooley's going to put on the field this fall, and our default setting is our default setting. BTW, if you'd like to visit us, remember: wrap the brick in a clean cloth before you throw it through the window. 

FEW ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS HAVE EXPERIENCE AS CEOS, BUT THAT'S JUST HOW LUCKY WE ARE. Cal's new special teams coach is Jeff Genyk, former Eastern Michigan coach. Let's watch as a friendly beat writer spins shit into shinola: 

Few special teams coaches, for that matter, list five years as a Division I head coach on their resume. Genyk's stay at Eastern Michigan did not exactly unfold as planned - he was fired after posting a 16-42 record - but the experience shaped the way he will perform his job at Cal.

He then follows this up by saying it makes him decisive..."but not always correct." We like a man who calls his disastrous fake punts with gusto, sir. Salute! 

AN ARMY OF ONE. Anthony Morelli is still attempting to become an NFL quarterback, and best of luck with that, but this is where an invisible German art film director begins recording your every move in creating an imaginary short that will win Best Emotionally Devastating Film You'll Never Watch Again About An Athlete Running Out Of Time you'll ever see. It will make The Last Laugh seem uplifting, and will not include the improbable tagged-on happy football ending. 

*Only had this moment, of course.