CHIP KELLY, SCRIPT DOCTOR
by Spencer Hall on Nov 2, 2010 1:11 PM EDT
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PrintWe asked Chip Kelly, noted football coach and amateur script doctor, to rewrite six movie classics. HIs response follows.
Goldfinger, 1964
Actual ending: Bond kills Oddjob with high voltage, defuses bomb, saves gold in Fort Knox.
Chip Kelly rewrites: Bond shoots middle finger at Oddjob, runs to bomb, slides counter forward to detonate, rides radioactive steam jet buffeting the impact between him and explosion through roof the roof of Fort Knox. Shoots into passenger seat of Cessna flown by Pussy Galore, makes love to her and completes mutual satisfaction in fewer than four plays and 57 seconds. Lands plane, rents fleet of dump trucks. They drive while making love and driving to the drainage ditch where molten gold is flowing from the melted stores at Fort Knox. Bond catches the gold, dumps Pussy Galore, and lives by himself on his private rich man island called Poondollar-On-Biscayne in Miami. He eats lobster naked all the time. FADE OUT.
The Dark Knight, 2008
Actual ending: Batman takes the blame for Harvey Dent's death, and flees to save Dent's reputation.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Just Batman beating the shit out of the Joker for two hours, including thirty minutes of testicle kicking. It ends when the Joker finally dies, and Batman realized he's let Rachel Dawes die. He walks to the warehouse where the fire rages and through the flames. She's unharmed and sitting in a chair, but still sort of on fire
She says. "What took you so long?"
He says--wait for it, this is awesome--"I had some joker to take care of."
She says, "I bet he was wild."
And he says:
"Not as wild as me, baby."
Then they have the hard sexes.
Taken, 2008
Actual ending: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Liam Neeson shoots the evil Saudi prince who has purchased his daughter for thirty minutes straight.
There Will Be Blood, 2007
Actual Ending: Daniel Plainview murders Eli with a bowling pin, says "I'm finished."
Chip Kelly rewrite: My version's shorter. The title is changed to "There's Blood," and Daniel Plainview's name is Painview, because that's what you see when he's around. No waiting in my version. Some hobo asks him for money and he beats him to death with a bowling pin. Oil workers stop working and demand more money, and he says "I'll show you a strike!" and beats them all to death with the bowling pin.
He makes hard love to the bowling pin one night. He and the bowling pin have ten bowling pin children. You know they are his children because they're bowling pins with mustaches. Some preacher asks him for cash, and he's like "SPARE me, pal!" and beats him to death with a bowling pin. He and the bowling pins go to Las Vegas for their 21st birthday and all win a lot of money at the blackjack table with a special cameo by RICH BROOKS, playing the part here I've written for him. He's THE CASHMASTER, and he ends the film when they're all sitting there at the tables by toasting the screen and saying "He's finished."
We then turn on a shot of Daniel Painview winning like five hundred grand on a double down, smiling, and smashing the camera with his bowling pin.
Million Dollar Baby, 2004
Actual Ending: Clint Eastwood euthanizes Hillary Swank's paralyzed boxer in the hospital.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Clint knows what's going to happen so he chokes her in the first thirty seconds of the film. Then he and Morgan Freeman go have a nice lunch at a place doing trivia. They win all the gift certificates and bar tabs and don't share them with anyone. FIN.
Hard Ticket To Hawaii, 1987
Chip Kelly rewrite: Nothing changing anything here is foolish and pointless.
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Hey, y'all remember...
My, but that feels like such a long time ago. And more delightfully ludicrous than anything Fearless Leader wrote above.
by She Blinded Me With Violence on Nov 2, 2010 1:16 PM EDT reply actions
From the comments of the above...
Jim Tressel doesnt owe us OSU fans anything, we owe him. He has brought class to our program. He wins conference championships, beats Michigan, and plays in BCS bowls. He will win another NCAA title, mark that down. Jim Tressel should get a check from the fans.
by Ken on Sep 21, 2009 4:36 PM EDT
LOL. That is all.
You sold me...queer giraffes.
by Bourbon_Meyer on Nov 3, 2010 2:22 AM EDT up reply actions
Please recall that the ass-kicking nitro Oregon attack that everyone’s busy fellating right now got mercilessly pillow-smothered about 11 months ago by boring ol’ Senator Tressel and the supposedly glacially slow Suckeyes. Please hold your LOLs.
11 months ago
Congratulations on last year’s performance.
I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about rankings, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we’re talking about rankings.
by HoodRiverDuck on Nov 3, 2010 10:10 AM EDT up reply actions
Defensive much?
Didnt mention Oregon anywhere. Just pointing out the “LEAVE BRITNAY ALONE!” type comment.
And if we’re going to go in reverse let me p….nah nevermind.
You sold me...queer giraffes.
by Bourbon_Meyer on Nov 3, 2010 10:44 AM EDT up reply actions
Blount doesn't fumble in the endzone
Oregon wins that game, sorry.
"SPOILER ALERTS GAHHHHHHHH!"
-The Internet
by Torgo's Executive Powder on Nov 2, 2010 1:17 PM EDT reply actions
At this point
I think every death of every character in every TV show or movie should be re-dubbed with Imogen Heap. It’s necessary.
Chip Kelly must have watched "Return of the Quack" before making these re-writes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_P1PPy7FTo
"Let the liquor do the thinking." -Jim Lahey
by SECWasteManagement on Nov 2, 2010 1:21 PM EDT reply actions
Point Break
Actual ending: F-B-I Agent Utah eventually meets up with Bodhi on Bells Beach in Australia during a record breaking storm. Utah manages to cuff himself to Bodhi, but he relents and lets Bodhi ride the wave which will end his life. Agent Utah walks away and flings his badge into the ocean.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Add one scene. Right after Utah throws his badge, a zombified Agent Pappas (Gary Busey) springs from the ocean and drags a screaming and horrified Utah into the surf. As Utah’s dismembered body sinks to the seafloor, Pappas gnaws hungrily on one of the legs formerly attached to Utah. It is bare and bloody, save for a partially shredded pair of Ohio State boxer briefs.
Too much Rose Bowl vengeance.
And Chip’s not big on Lori Petty. Not meaty enough for his taste.
by Run Home Jack on Nov 2, 2010 1:30 PM EDT up reply actions
Oddly enough
At the Rose Bowl this year I saw an Ohio State fan with a custom “J. Utah” jersey
The O is the new U
The Nike bounce
“The O is the new U”…
Really? What, in incarcerations, foul behavior, collective ego? It can’ be in regard to anything else like success on the field — national championships, big bowl wins (i.e., one Rose Bowl win in a century, and it was generations ago), etc.
Imagine what the U would have been with the hundreds of millions of backing from Uncle Phil and Nike.
Actually I'm pretty sure
Chip Kelly would change nothing about Taken. Do we know for sure that he didn’t write the first draft of that movie?
We know for sure....
…because there was that one 5-minute stretch where nobody got their limbs snapped or shot in the face
I don't know
I think the 20 minute preface to VIOLENCE DEATH OH THE HUMANITY falls pretty much in line with Oregon’s habit of giving its opponents just the slightest bit of hope before flipping the KILL switch.
I am guessing here...
but I bet Chip Kelly would change the music to the scene from Hard Ticket to Hawaii
that shit’s bad even by ’80s standards
Can't hear it.
Headset’s on.
Because college football is too important to be left to the professionals.
Dude has 2 missiles left in his bazooka....
….a good action hero never leaves a bullet in the chamber.
And his theme music sucks- every good hero’s got to have theme music
I'm Gonna Git U Sucka...
….is one of my favorite movies of all time. I’m glad someone else has seen it
Sir, you speak of a triumph of American Cinema.
I even liked the “Hammer, Slammer & Slade” sitcom.
by Tracer Bullet on Nov 2, 2010 2:17 PM EDT up reply actions
Hard Sexes
An excellent combination of Hard Knocks and Real Sex. Chip would host, peppering current and former college football greats with humorous and vaguely condescending questions about the hard sexing they’ve done.
"I've made a huge little mistake." - G.O.B.
The Hulk Re-write:
Scenes 1-40:
YOU’RE MAKING CHIP KELLY ANGRY, YOU WON’T LIKE CHIP WHEN HE’S ANGRY!
CHIP KELLY SMASH!
"It’s great with these group of guys. There is no panic in them." --Chip Kelly, Clearly NOT talking about members of ATQ.
Lord of the Rings
Actual trilogy: Nearly twelve hours of a hobbit and his team of do-gooders trying to defeat the evil menace.
Chip Kelly re-write: Bilbo Baggins (played by Darron Thomas) executes a perfect ballfake to Frodo (LaMichael James). Peter Jackson’s cameraman, juked out of his brain like everyone else watching the movie, remains focused on Bilbo, assuming he still holds The One ring. Meanwhile, Frodo has broken into the secondary and runs to the end zone of Mordor untouched. Extended version runtime: 13 seconds.
I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about rankings, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we’re talking about rankings.
by HoodRiverDuck on Nov 2, 2010 1:49 PM EDT reply actions 20 recs
Dawg
HE PUT THE TEAM ON HIS BACK
by commodore_dude on Nov 2, 2010 2:00 PM EDT up reply actions 2 recs
UH OH, DARREN SHAWPAH
Anything but Gatorade - yet another SEC sports blog
by Anything but Gatorade on Nov 2, 2010 2:30 PM EDT up reply actions
Can we get that guy
To replace Pam Ward?
by commodore_dude on Nov 2, 2010 4:45 PM EDT up reply actions
One does not simply
run into the end zone of Mordor untouched
by Linoleum Knife on Nov 2, 2010 2:22 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
One does if one is carrying the One Ring to Rule Them All
Only the victory will be enjoyed by the minor players, the children of the Shire, and like Frodo, the victory takes it out of you, and you get to go in a ship to the Havens (Bellotti sitting in ESPN headquarters announcing, Dennis Dixon in the NFL with a Superbowl Ring already somehow seems appropos of that).
Wait, I hope that doesn’t mean Kelly leaves for the NFL or other pastures…eeeeeeek…hyperventilate…breathe, breathe…dialling 911…
by gamedaytribe on Nov 2, 2010 2:28 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
TOO MUCH RUNNING! CRAMPS!
I'm too angry to sing.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Nov 2, 2010 2:34 PM EDT up reply actions
Apocolypse Now
—cuts everything except:
1. Kurtz: ‘The Horror, the Horror’
2. The huge napalm strike.
3. Recasts himself as Kurtz.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
Chip Kelly asks us not to look ahead past Goldfinger
as that’s our national writing championship. And looking ahead never won anybody the day. And why the hell aren’t you giving him your best effort in practice?
Good to see the legend of his Chippiness growing. We’ve been trying to keep him a well-guarded secret for the past 4 years.
Or is Michael Bay secretly Chip Kelly?
MInd? BLOWN.
by Tracer Bullet on Nov 2, 2010 1:56 PM EDT up reply actions
What a hack.
Kelly totally ripped off Die Hard with a Vengeance!
Star Wars - Return of the Jedi
Actual: Luke finds the good in Vader and together they defeat the Emperor, Han Solo blows up the Deathstar, and everyone parties on Endor with the Ewoks.
CK Rewrite: Luke turns to the Dark Side and decapitates daddy and the old pervert, blows up Endor and the Ewoks with his Deathstar, hops on the Millennium Falcon with Han and Chewy and flies to Cloud City where they all get krunk and do a Hard Sexes tag team on Leia in the slave outfit.
by Bourbon Dawgwalker on Nov 2, 2010 2:43 PM EDT reply actions
Nerd Alert!
Watch “Return of the Jedi” with the director’s commentary on. Yes, you have to listen to Lucas sniff his own farts, but about 30 minutes in, a clearly intoxicated Carrie Fisher blurts out “THAT BIKINI WAS UNCOMFORTABLE” and then is silent for pretty much the rest of the movie. I assume she passed out.
I'm too angry to sing.
by Ancient Chinese Secret on Nov 2, 2010 2:48 PM EDT up reply actions
Ummm…hello? Lando Calrissian blows up the Deathstar. Han Solo brings its shields down.
The O is the new U
Shouldn't you be a Georgia Tech fan?
"They've just discovered a new use for sheep over there at Clemson... wool." - Lewis Grizzard
by GwinnettGamecock on Nov 3, 2010 4:32 AM EDT up reply actions
Chinatown
60 minutes of Monte Kiffin as Evelyn Mulwray
MK: She’s my daughter
[slap]
MK: She’s my sister
[slap slap]
MK: She’s my daughter
[slap slap slap]…
Johnny wipes the floor with little b.....
hahaha
"I've got an appetite for destruction - but i scrape the plate."
Dawn of the Dead
Actual ending: Only survivors flee mall for parts unknown after their hedonistic consumerism killed their friends and taught them a valuable, albeit absurd, lesson about America.
Chip Kelly Remake: Take out all that metaphorical bullshit, make everyone run really fast and shoot a bunch of fuckers in the face. Also, can we get a killdozer/deathcar?
Wait… this sounds very familiar.
Weoejuwejhdjwe!
by Chekhov's Spread Gun Option on Nov 2, 2010 3:23 PM EDT reply actions
Rudy
SCREAMING for a Kelly remake.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well, I have others."
by Jack Fact on Nov 2, 2010 3:34 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Rudy wins the Heisman four straight times
Rudy writes whatsisname, the priest guy, and tells him he’s going to be on the Notre Dame football team, so get with the acceptance. Rudy lives in the field house so he can have easier access to the weights, and leads the Irish to four back-to-back national championships. A permanent guard of Notre Dame players is appointed to carry him on their shoulders at all times.
Rudy's Domers lose in his final game to Oregon 79-0
Rudy gets an inspirational carry on one play in garbage time but is paralyzed for life when John Boyett and Eddie Pleasant sandwich him at the one yard line as time expires to preserve the shutout.
Ben: "Pleased with the performance?"
Nate McMillan: "Yeah. I thought we played basketball tonight."
by GustyJ on Nov 2, 2010 4:44 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs
Gone With The Wind
Rhett Butler meets Scarlett O’Hara and learns of her crush on Ashley Wilkes. He takes Wilkes on a one-way buggy ride, comes back and hard sexes Scarlett until she rips down the window curtains to make thong bikinis. He gets insanely rich as a smuggler until the Yankees besiege Atlanta, then joins Hood’s army, pimp slaps Hood for not having any balls, defeats Sherman and goes on to win the Civil War before personally declaring the end of slavery and installing himself as President of the Awesome States of America and appointing Mammy as CEO. The movie ends as a shirtless Rhett surveys an adoring mob from the White House balcony, and Scarlett gushes, “Tomorrow is another day…for you to be AWESOME!”
by Golden Hand on Nov 2, 2010 3:34 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
Jurrassic Park
The same, except that all the dinosaurs have lasers attached to their heads and machine guns for arms.
Grant rips the head off of the t-rex and uses its laser to hunt down and melt every last dinosaur on the island for an hour and a half.
The helicopter flies off into the sunset, and in the background, the island is nuked and the helicopter starts rocking back and forth from Grant and Ellie having hard, hard sexes.
I'm confused
OK, I admit I was drinking absinthe and chewing on salvia divinorum leaves throughout the entire movie, but isn’t your Jurassic Park rewrite exactly like the original?
Well...
the whole nuking the island thing did happen in the book
by Bourbon Dawgwalker on Nov 3, 2010 11:18 AM EDT up reply actions
Casablanca
Current ending: Rick kills the Nazi, Ilsa and Victor escape, Rick and the policeman enjoy the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Chip Kelly ending: Rick makes the hard sexes on Ilsa for the first 2 minutes of the movie, she forgets about Victor, who is captured by the Nazis. Rick swims out into the Mediterranean with a Woodman’s Pal machete in his teeth, boards a U-Boat, hacks its crew to death, pilots the U-Boat to Marseilles, liberates France in 2 hours, drives a V12 Dusenberg to Germany, kills Hitler with his hands. Sam plays “Mighty Oregon” on the Stratocaster he just invented. The End. Total run time including credits: 17 minutes.
"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."-George Bernard Shaw
The Best Part of that Hard Ticket to Hawaii clip
Is when they shoot the blow up doll with the bazooka. The threat had to be eliminated.
Sparty on. Gator done.
American Psycho
original version: I have no clue
CK version: Opening scene of the movie – guy tells everyone he won the lottery and he wants to give everyone he knows/wants to murder $1,000 eacg. Everyone shows up to the big party, he locks them all in one big room that happens to have three mal-nourished tigers in it.
Fin.
...GO DOUG...
by Your Favorite Team's Favorite Team on Nov 2, 2010 6:13 PM EDT reply actions
Chip Kelly is a guru
Chip Kelly is pure class and has taken the right approach with this team since day one, here’s is a source of his inspiration.. http://waterthebamboo.com/blog/press/oregon-ducks-ranked-1
Passion of the Christ
Original: blasphemy!
Chip Kelly rewrite: Using the no huddle offense, Jesus converts with ridiculous speed more followers than his enemies can thwart. Jesus is not captured and begins to mobilize his troops. Soon, his people are strong enough to challenge the Roman Empire, which he does. Before Rome’s legions can be mobilized the Christians have scored a victory every minute until it becomes clear Rome is going to fall. Even with that knowledge in hand, Jesus stays in the battle to run up the casualty count late into the war.
Movie ends with Jesus being chronicled by a famous historian of antiquity, while he complains about Romans faking injuries to slow down his army’s inevitable absolute victory.
Now if one of yas hasta, you can take that old woman over there, she might be worth maybe, one donkey. . .
Showgirls
Original: Meandering mess of bad acting and non-titilating nudity.
Chip Kelly rewrite: Recasts himself in the role played by Kyle MacLachlan. Instead of scoring a mere two showgirls in two and one half hours,, he flashes his whimsical but inscrutable cards around Vegas and proceeds to score 60 of them in 60 minutes—as graphically as humanly possible because that is how he rolls.
Halfway through, he pops off to Erin Andrews, who is asking stupid questions about his performance with a cameraman in his way. “What Am I Doing? What AM I DOING?!? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING??? I’M WINNING THE MOTHERF***KING DAY!!!”
Roses Ain't Orange!
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