THE CURIOUS INDEX, 11/18/2010

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE PEOPLE IN FUNNY HATS BEGAN COMPOSING VERSE AND SONG ABOUT THIS.

(via @itsmemc)

Now one critical link in the Cam Newton case depends on a wet cellphone, an appropriately stupid turn of events given the cavalcade of stupidity that is this entire saga (and like most idiot operas, it is positively gripping viewing.) We remind the viewer that the only person here who has anything concrete to say about the eligibility of one Cam Newton is Auburn President Jay Gogue, who is the one ultimately responsible for hearing what Jay Jacobs has to say, and then making a decision. (And he's busy, so despite his degree in horticulture he's not going to do his own digging HAHAHA HORTICULTURE JOKES.)

A SAGA SO CONVOLUTED IT EITHER IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT OR TOTALLY TRUE. Like all grand work of conspiratorial delirium, the TigerDroppings thread on Auburn's pseudo-history of corruption in the name of profit and football is insane, insanely detailed, sewn together from a pot of half-truths, real stories, and fiction, and then presented as whole cloth. Robert Anton Wilson's dead ass is very, very impressed. (If you looked at the donors for most schools you'll kick over a log and find some very nasty fat grubs feasting beneath all that dead lumber. Yes, even Michigan.)

DO YOU LIKE BLOOD? Georgia State plays at Alabama tonight in that bizarre Thursday night special prior to playing Auburn, a glorified scrimmage WE MEAN VERY SERIOUS GAME.

Saban has sold the Alabama-Georgia State as a strong test.

"This team (Georgia State) played to overtime against Jacksonville State who beat Ole Miss," Saban said. "We respect the players that they have. We respect the good job of coaching that they do."

That's why you pay the man $17 million a year, Alabama.*

*The amount of Nick Saban's contract may be wildly overestimated for comedic purposes here.

CLIFF HARRIS IS THE BEST QUOTE EVER. The Oregon DB is now our new favorite Pac-10 player. WAIT WE MEAN SECOND DON'T KILL US VONTAZE--

ODE: You were a highly ranked recruit in high school and were offered scholarships at Arizona, Arizona State, BYU, Nebraska and USC. Why was Oregon your final choice?

CH: Man, everything about Oregon — the coaches, the players, the environment, how they have the love for the game. I needed to get out of Cali, I didn't want to be no Trojan or no Bruin, but this is close to home still. I love green because money be green.

This is the same man who came to Oregon and said "I'm Cliff Harris and I'm here to lock shit down." Respect him; learn from him, SWAGronomy and SWAGriculture majors.

MORE PAC-10 KINDNESS. It's not really kindness to point out that Andrew Luck's numbers are stupidcrazyballs, but more a matter of just posting numbers and saying "Um, yeah. Devastation lies there." Facts are sometimes the most horrifying option.

ONLY A FLORIDA STATE GRAD COULD SPOIL A PERFECTLY GREEN ACTIVITY. Why you throw the cup here is beyond us, since you can reuse in case of further drunken peeing, but hey: your truck's clean, and that's all that matters.

WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT. Bo Pelini prefers red to maroon, likes corn better than collies, and thinks Nebraska fans are better than Aggie fans. He's clearly not taking the loving devotion of Kyle Field inhabitants and passionate Aggie fans THE HORDE OF BATS THAT LIVES INSIDE KYLE FIELD into account. Don't think we're saying your stadium is dirty, Aggie fans: in fact, telling us that bats live inside something is usually a compliment in our case, which is why we own a 2009 Mini Cooper Clubman we got on discount thanks to a particularly stubborn but charming fruit bat who insists on driving the thing. He lets us control the radio as long as he gets two bananas a day, so he's like the cheapest driver ever. 

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