In which we reward the highlights and lesser luminaries of Week 5.
SUPERSTAR! Denard Robinson's 494 against Indiana. Which is extra fun because they only beat Indiana by 7. Via Box Score Bonanza (it's like a Donkey Kong Country level, see): "On plays that he has run (98 carries) or passed (96 attempts) this year, Michigan has gained an average of 9.82 yards per play." And per Bruce Feldman on the Twitters, we learn that Robinson's 905 rushing yards in 2010 is greater than the total rushing outputs of 91 ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAMS. This is your chilling reminder that Denard Robinson is a sophomore.
ADEQUATE! Which all makes LaMichael James' 257 rushing yards against Stanford look a wee bit pedestrian, don't it?
YOU TRIED! Did you know ... that Bowling Green's Robert Lorenzi led the Falcons in all-purpose yards (117) on interceptions alone? And that they lost by two to Buffalo? No, this really, actually is what the Clawfense is designed to look like. Trust us. We remember.
Yes, Tulane? Yes, you may take Rutgers' slot in the Big East, which is, after all, just one letter away from Big Easy. It's no dumber than them going after TCU.
TAKE TURNS! Washington's not good at it. Purported to be ready to lie back, think of Snohomish, and admit that last year's Trogan upset was an anomaly, they instead overcame two douchetwatty icing attempts to kick to a 32-31 victory in the Coliseum. Washington has a winning streak going against USC. This is odd. SARK WEEK: IT LIVES.
GRAPE JOB! Hey, way to beat Illinois by 11 thanks to a 10-point fourth quarter, An Ohio State University. Because if there's one thing we want, it's for Ron Zook to keep having a job, that he may continue to orbit above us like a mobile to be bat at and gnawed upon.
What I thought was the safest bet in all of college football---a Blair Walsh field goal, about which I arrogantly remarked that I thought it was cute that the announcers referred to a chip-shot three-pointer as a "try"---was attempted without success. Everything about this team is like that.
BUSY BEE! Hawaii is your national leader in passing offense. No one cares because Hawaii is only out there to bait the Spanish Menace into attacking us, justifying our freshly renewed occupation of the colonies of the Philippines and the continued wooing of their shapely ladies. WE ONLY KEEP YOU FOR THE PROMISE OF ADOBO IN THE EVENING AND THE BEAUTIES OF LUZON LYING IN OUR BEDS IN THE MORNING, HAWAII. NEVER FORGET THIS. (This sentence sponsored by Turfman's Adobo Paste and Revitalizing Corporeal Skin Creme. NOT FOR USE ON THE FACE.)
GOOD HELPER! We know in our left brains that good football still exists, because we see Alabama playing it. There is one point of order in our universe, and they're it. Everybody else, EVERYBODY, has looked wobblesome at one point this season. You're our North Star, CyberTyde, and we hate you with the heat of a thousand burning suns.
TEACHER'S PET! This space reserved for our cloying affections towards the Oregon Duck, because BAWWWWW JAMMIES LOOKIT.
Not appearing in this list: Tennessee-LSU, which defies the parameters of the written word. If there were a sticker with a dragon spiraling to earth in flames wearing a jaunty fedora and holding a possum clamped in its jaws, that's what we would award.