THE OFFSEASON TOP 25

No, we're not ready to actually make a top 25. Phil Steele (our only hope against Skynet) hasn't spoken yet, and we'll reserve judgment until then. It's the only thing we'll actually invest the few unmolested neurons we have left in before August. In the meantime, here's the EDSBS staff's offseason diversions list. Orson's got odds; Holly's got the evens.

Orson
25. Powerlifting. I blame Barwis, but I can't go to the gym without doing something stupid with a bar and an Olympic rack. It's way too fun doing moves that leave your whole body shaky like you just ingested a bad crack latte. It'll be awesome until a disc flies out of my spine and knocks out grunty guy over on the fly machine over there.

Holly

24. Macrobiotic yogurt. The closest thing to cannibalism in your grocer's refrigerator.

23. Mulberries. There's a tree outside my door loaded with them. It's like a squirrel-germ infested snack on the way to the car every time. I haven't died yet, though I have found myself standing in the middle of the road feeling indecisive without explanation.

22. Murder, She Wrote marathons on the Hallmark Channel DON'T YOU EVER JUDGE ME.

21. Maniacally checking the weather in Islamabad. If it's not hazy in Islamabad, the piano strings of the world are hopelessly detuned.

20. Cutting out contact paper in shape of school logo and applying to skin before venturing outdoors. If you want the brand to last all year, you have to start early.

19. Assigning neglected colors to new schools. Ohio State and wal-mart flannel plaid= TOP SCORE.

18. Twins! (higher?)

17. North Korea. It's the last evil hermit kingdom we have left. They're vanishing ecosystems, you know. Plus, they have casinos now! It's like Vegas with pellagra.

16. Drive-ins. Fill your truck bed with the couch cushions from the back porch and ten of your alkiest friends. It's like rolling with toddlers that can drink.

15. Korean bathhouses. Being naked never felt so clothed. Plus: beer and Korean BBQ at hand at all times. Just mind the transfer of spicy Korean red pepper from the hands to tender nubbly parts in the bathing process.

14. Mario Kart. The Chanel of console games.

13. Kettlebells. Because you've always wanted to work out with a cannonball with a handle. It's also hard to make prose any more parodical than that on Pavel Tsatsouline's website:

Liberating and aggressive as medieval swordplay, kettlebell training is highly addictive. What other piece of exercise equipment can boast that its owners name it? Paint it? Get tattoos of it?

Acrobat Valentin Dikul fell and broke his back at seventeen. Today, in his mid-sixties, he juggles 180-pound balls and breaks powerlifting records!

Once the Russian kettlebell became a hit among those whose life depends on their strength and conditioning, it took off among hard people from all walks of life: martial artists, athletes, regular hard comrades.

MMmmm. Hard comrades. Not gay at all. Just have to go break my back in order to begin the process of juggling 180 pound balls when I'm in my mid-sixties. After I get a fucking ice pack.

12. Rereading the classics.

11. Purchasing golf shirts, the caftan of the surrendered husband.

10. Fireworks Superstores.

9. Perfecting gas-efficient driving. I coasted from downtown atlanta to decatur the other day. Lights be damned: gas is cutting into my liquor budget. The tickets will pay for themselves.

8. White trash tourist strips. Go-karts, bungee jumping, and dinosaur-themed mini golf on the same block.

That's Durst-tough thurr.

7. Discountpunk. If tweedles can get cool pimping out 800 dollar keyboards retrofitted with typewriter keys, I can start an art movement based on my dad's corporate office decor, ca. 1984. Oh yes, that's a Leroy Neiman print of Jack Nicklaus next to Og Mandino's Collected Works.

6. Bastille Day.

5. The Olympics. Watch as someone unveils an American flag, is mowed down by Chinese paramilitary police, and is then revealed to be American swimmer Michael Phelps. You know you want to watch a Chinese swimmer dive in with a lit cigarette.

4. Mastering the physics of hammock sex. Ups your endorphins, and strengthens your core bettter than some pansy-ass rubber ball.

3. Questing for respectable sockless men's footwear It's the holy grail of men's fashion. I know it's a myth, but I'm still out there stepping on "J" and plunging through the floor tiles.

2. Shark Week. Or: live every week in the manner of. TJ would:

1. Waiting patiently for Mercenaries 2. Everything. Is. Flammable. That's the name of my upcoming autobiography, too.

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