SOUTH BEND, IND (AP)--Notre Dame Athletic Director Kevin White announced the signing of a contract extension to head football coach Charlie Weis this morning, inking the third year head coach to an unprecedented three hundred year contract extension worth an estimated 1.4 billion dollars in salary and benefits.
"We're pleased to announce that Notre Dame again stands at the forefront of college football by making sure we keep not only the future secure, but the future of the future of this football program in the right direction by making sure Coach Weis will be around for centuries to come," said White, who spoke from the podium wearing a blue and gold jumpsuit.
"0-3 means nothing to us. Excellence is what matters, and that's a long term goal. We're here to show our commitment to it."
Weis, whose Notre Dame team is riding a five game losing streak and the first 0-3 start in school history, answered skeptical questions about the viability of a deal that not only endorses a coach whose team remains in dire straits, but also seems to defy the laws of mortality itself.
"Kevin and I have talked about it, and you know what? We're not gonna talk about the future right now. That's what contract negotiations are for. We've reopened training camp. We're not rebuilding. I'm not gonna talk about that. I'm not. It's just nice to have that vote of confidence going into training camp again."
White took the brunt of the skepticism and addressed concerns specifically. For instance, how would Weis, already 51 and overweight, live to fulfill a contract exceeding not only his expected lifespan, but that of any already born?
Technology, says White, pure and simple. "People don't just come here for the outstanding athletics, spiritual focus, or beautiful campus. They come here for a first rate, 21st century education," said White. "And that includes technology."
"We'll be ready for the failure of Charlie's organs, which will be replaced with new ones grown from existing, ethically provided stem cell lines provided by Charlie later today. When the replacement strategy proves untenable, Charlie has agreed to have his head severed from his body and placed in a life-sustaining jar filled with a nutritious, oxygen-rich syrup sustaining him for what our scientists predict will be a span of at least 120 years following his removal from the proto-body."
At that point, White explained, they would have to figure something out. "But by then, we're assured of three things. One, that Coach Weis will have this program thriving into his second century of rule. Two, that our investment now will have paid off double or perhaps triple, even with the projected rise of the Mer-people in 2108. And three, that we will have at least partially recovered from the recruiting shortfalls some people have left behind."
White paused, and then corrected himself. "And by some people, I mean Ty Willingham, his name be cursed."
White also pooh-poohed suggestions he had fielded what Mark May called "the dumbest fucking contract I have ever seen--pardon my fucking language, ESPN, fire me if you will, but this is seriously the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen."
"We've done the forecasting, people. Sure, there's flexibility. The recruits of tomorrow will be different. So will the game. But there is one and only one answer for this: Charlie Weis. He'll be able to relate to the gill-bearing wideouts of 2214, as well as be able to cope with the predicted introduction of energy weapons into gameplay in the mid-2160s. And most importantly, he's got a commitment to his players, be they the anticipated cyclopic nuclear mutantbeasts from the Varragaraz Neutral Zone of No Return in 2245, the highly aware cyborg running backs from the Great Metallization of 2084, or the Vandal Jackalmen of the 2165 Gatorade Insurrection."
White smiled, turned to Weis, and nodded with a smile. "He's our man. Not forever, of course"--the room broke into laughter at this point--"But at least for the next 300 years!"
Weis testily summed up his feelings after a barrage of questions by saying, "I'm not thinking about life-support jars, bionic hearts, or transposing my neural fingerprint onto a chip for all eternity. All I'm thinking about is Michigan State next week--and how I'm gonna work flying mutants into the gameplan for that matchup versus Flextron Robot Sex Academy in 2093. Believe me, that's the real challenge here!"