4TH & SHORT COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT

ME: Wow, I’m really proud of the Every Day Should Be Saturday community. I put out a request last week, and everyone really stepped up. Five straight days of donations, and ultimately, they raised over nine thousand dollars to support mental health services in Southern Indiana, and-

[clattering of claws on wood floor as someone shimmies out from under bed]

HOLLY: I’m sorry to support WHAT

ME: oh hey Holly, I didn’t know you were under there. To support mental health services, they fundraised for Personal Couns-

HOLLY: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FUNDRAISER TO FIRE YOU

ME: No, it was for charity.

HOLLY: YOU STILL WORKING HERE IS A CHARITY. I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST GATHERING FUNDS TO ASK THE BEARD GUY TO FIRE YOU. IT WORKED WITH NANNI.

ME: [sighing] Holly, did you steal my credit card and make some of those donations

HOLLY: You can’t charge a dog with bank fraud. It’s the law. You should watch some of the later Air Bud movies. He got away with a LOT.

ME: Why do we even still live together

HOLLY: Because someone’s got to keep you in check. Hey, by the way, are you excited about the upcoming football season?

ME: Oh, well... yes, I am! Thank you for finally taking an interest in the things I like, Holly, yes, I am actually quite excited about the upcoming season, the Bearcats looked really great last season, going a surprising 11-2 and they’ve got a lot of returning talent and-

HOLLY: [spelling out “4-8” in dry food on the floor]

ME: The commenters got to you, huh.

HOLLY: I’m at least five of them.

ME: [sighing]

HOLLY: You look like your face came free with two pairs of slacks.

ME: That’s unnecessarily hurtful.

HOLLY: More like Joseph A. Blank, amiright?

ME: I give you cheese. Why do you do this to me.

HOLLY: Listen, it’s not my fault you look like an actor playing a sitcom husband in a Lifetime movie about a troubled sitcom.

ME:

HOLLY: According To Us: The True Story Behind According To Jim, starring you as a broke-ass Jim Belushi

ME:

HOLLY: Look like a guy who wants to tell people about his podcast.

ME: I did actually just start a podcast.

HOLLY: Oh dang wow is that true? Too much math in craft brewing for you? I know you had to keep your washed-up 30something white guy CEUs, but couldn’t you have just taken up axe-throwing or something? Wait, no, I’ve seen you throw a tennis ball. You throw an axe you’ll probably lose a toe.

ME: Hey c’mon

HOLLY: I’ve got a better arm than you and it’s a leg

ME: See if I get your ball out from behind the bookcase.

HOLLY: Great, I’ll just sit here staring at that copy of Infinite Jest, maybe I’ll get as far as you did in it, and I can’t read.

ME: Yeah we’re even then

HOLLY: So, seriously, you think your Bearcats are going to be good again this year? Usually after a Cincinnatian finishes a bowl, they regret it the next day.

ME: Is that a Skyline Chili joke?

HOLLY: Yeah, by the way, I sent a few people boxes of that stuff last week using your name on the return address. I realized there were a few people left here who didn’t already hate you.

ME: Why are you here? Do you even like football?

HOLLY: I’m a hateful short creature who annoys the neighbors and likes to tear the cover off balls. I’m a Bama fan.

ME: This explains so much.

HOLLY: I lack object permanence.

ME: Ah, so the fake field goal-

HOLLY: Roll tide.