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REAL MASCOT SECRETS: ENDGAME

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AVENGE THE FALLEN (AND SWEATY)

[scene: Avengers headquarters, during the timeframe covered by this year’s upcoming blockbuster film Avengers: Endgame]

[this scene was deleted from the final cut of the movie. the movie is still three hours long but somehow this didn’t make it]

PEGGY CARTER: The world has changed. And none of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best we can do is to start over.

THOR: Yeah, you said that earlier.

BRUCE BANNER: Word-for-word. It was in the movie trailer.

PEGGY CARTER: Well, okay, but it bears repeating.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Alright, guys, leave her alone. We’re dealing with a lot here. In the last movie, Thanos acquired the Infinity Gauntlet and wiped out half of all life in the universe, including members of the Avengers like Black Panther, Spider-Man, Falcon, Doctor Strange and others.

BRUCE BANNER: Again, I feel like all of this has been thoroughly covered. We’re like an hour into this movie.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, I just thought we should get everybody up to speed again. And the point is, we’re short-staffed. We don’t have all the heroes we’re going to need to win, or whatev-

[knock at door]

THOR: I’ll get it

[I enter]

ME: Hey, everybody! So, listen, I saw what happened, the whole half the universe dying or dissolving or whatever, and I figured you guys are gonna need some help.

THOR: Who are you?

ME: I’m a superhero!

BANNER: You are?

ME: Yeah! But I’m one that you’d probably forgotten about, an intellectual property from the back catalog, but one that Disney-Marvel’s wisely reviving because of the marketing potential.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: That’s been handled.

ME: No, you don’t understand, I’m one of those tertiary characters who doesn’t do a ton but you still have on the team so we can look bigger on the movie poster.

HAWKEYE, BUT WITH A NEW HAIRCUT: Also handled.

ME: No, like, one of the really wacky ones, where you figure there were probably some drugs involved in the writers’ room.

ANT-MAN: We’re all set here.

BRUCE BANNER: Now, now, let’s hear this thing out. Why haven’t we heard of you? We figured that over the last 22 films, Nick Fury and all of them had uncovered all of the incredible beings in the world for our team.

ME: Yeah, well, listen, I’ve had some down years. You see, I was big in the ‘30s. Had some real successes back then. Then I had decades of obscurity, I just sort of rambled around for a while. Real bad time for my career. But now, I figure half the universe is dead, so it’s my time to shine.

BANNER: I see.

ME: Besides, I have experience with this sort of thing. There was an organization, big organization like you guys, was doing fine, then it just plum loses a third of its membership like that [snaps fingers]

[everyone flinches]

THOR: Please don’t do that.

ME: So, they were really struggling. Looked like all hope might be lost. Then I joined up, and they’re-

HAWKEYE, hopefully: They’re better than ever?

ME: No, no, not at all. But they’re still in business. It’s something.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, now, I’m from the past, too, why didn’t I ever see you around?

ME: Yeah, I was there, Cap. I fought Nazis with you. But, you were a little full of yourself back then. Super-soldier and all, representing all that’s good and pure and right about America.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: It was a different time.

ME: It wasn’t that different. Still got Nazis now. Great job stopping that, by the way.

THOR: This whole thing [gestures at me] is a bit much to take in.

ME: Oh, okay, thanks for that, Norwegian The Rock. Yeah. Sorry I can’t live up to your standards. Some of us are weird-looking. Didn’t you guys have a raccoon and a tree until recently?

CAPTAIN AMERICA: They weren’t part of our team specifically, but anyways, I am sorry if I ignored you back then.

ME: Hey, I’m not taking it personally. Just like I did in 2012, I’m taking advantage of an opening. I want in the Avengers, and a lot of your friends are dead, so, boom, here I am.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: He’s got a point. We can use all the help we can get. This movie comes out in April, and there’s a new Spider-Man movie due in July. We’ve got to bring him back from the dead somehow, and maybe this guy’s just the plot twist we need to do that. The Disney shareholders are counting on us.

THOR: Fine. Let him in.

BANNER: So, do you have any powers?

ME: I shoot blood at people.

BANNER: Gross.

ME: Out of my eyes.

THOR: What the hell, man.

ME: It confuses predators, and it supposedly tastes quite bad.

BLACK WIDOW: That’s highly unsanitary.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, by modern standards, that’s definitely not something we do.

ME: Still more useful than Hawkeye.

THOR: He’s right. Bring him in.

BANNER: We’re going to lose, aren’t we.

BLACK WIDOW: It’s the Big 12. He’ll find a way.

ME [whispering]: I will avenge you.