One of the biggest hits on television right now is Queer Eye, Netflix’s wildly popular reboot of the early-aughts show, which released its third season this month. The show’s crack team of five specialized lifestyle experts spent the first two seasons of this new incarnation improving the lives of people in and around Atlanta, Georgia. For this latest season, they’ve moved on to Kansas City - a move that left us wondering: who’s going to help all the people who still need lifestyle guidance in Georgia?
We’d need people who are used to performing under the pressure of a large television audience; people who are at the top of their professions; people who are well-accustomed to going into the homes of ordinary people across the South; people who are able to sell new ways to succeed in a convincing manner.
And then it occurred to us - who fits this description better than college football coaches? Besides, it’s March, and - if this incredibly thin premise for a blog post wasn’t evidence enough - there’s not a lot going on in college football this time of year.
We searched high and low through the FBS coaching ranks, and picked the coaches best suited to deliver advice and assistance in each of the Fab Five’s areas of expertise: Clothing, Grooming, Food, Culture, and Home.
Today, they’re going to change the life of Brian, our subject.
ACTIONCOOKBOOK: Okay, Brian, tell us a bit about yourself.
BRIAN: Well, uh, I’m 59 years old, and I don’t know. I just sort of feel like I’m having a tough time lately. My career’s been stressful - I’ve lost a few jobs in the last couple of years, and it’s been tough, you know, bouncing around like this, moving all over the country. I’ve got a wife and six kids, and I’ve got to worry about them, I end up not taking care of myself.
ACB: Brian, we hear stories like this all the time. You’re not alone, and our team is here to help you. Are you ready to meet them?
BRIAN: I’m ready.
ACB: Okay, well, first up - let’s change the way you dress. Now, normally, they’d have Queer Eye’s clothing expert, fashion designer Tan France -
ACB: - but he’s off filming the real show, so we got a real expert on looking your best, [checks notes] Georgia head coach Kirby Smart.
KIRBY SMART: Alright boss, let’s get you all dressed up. Now, what’s this you’re wearing here? Tell me about this.
BRIAN: Uh, it’s a wicking polo shirt.
SMART: That’s great. Great shirt, good at wicking. Now, do you know about French Tuck?
BRIAN: What’s that?
SMART: 5-star quarterback we’re recruiting out of Alpharetta. Great kid. You should see him wear a polo shirt.
ACB: Uh, Kirby, are you going to change anything?
SMART: [hands over a plastic-wrapped package] Here’s a three-pack of wicking polos. These got stripes on the sides. Makes you go faster.
ACB: This was a mistake. Anyways, let’s move on to grooming. Normally, we’d have celebrity hairdresser Jonathan Van Ness,
ACB: - but instead, we have [checking notes] Georgia head coach Kirby Smart.
SMART: Hey yeah I’m still here. Alright, let’s talk about grooming. Y’all been to Supercuts?
BRIAN: I have not.
SMART: It’s great. It’s like a regular haircut, but they’ve got TVs in there. Nine bucks. If you ask real nice, they’ll let you sit in a race car. Anyways, this, what’s all this on your face?
BRIAN: Uh, it’s a goatee.
SMART: That’s wild. Just wild. Can’t grow one myself, but sometimes I draw one on with a Sharpie. Anyways, check out Supercuts. Ask if Sheila’s workin’, she’ll let you take two suckers instead of just one if you say the other one’s for your kid sister.
BRIAN: This guy is great.
ACB: I regret this and every decision I’ve made that brought me to this. Anyways, let’s talk food. Normally, we’d have Queer Eye’s food expert Antoni Porowski,
ACB: But instead, we have [listening in earpiece] [sighing deeply] Georgia head coach Kirby Smart.
SMART: [holding an avocado, just staring at it] This apple doesn’t taste good at all.
BRIAN: That’s a [pronouncing it as though it were a Spanish word] a babagano
SMART: [looks like his teeth hurt] Y’all wanna go to Stuckey’s?
BRIAN: Heck yeah.
ACB: Let’s just move on to culture. Obviously, we did not get lifestyle expert Karamo Brown, but-
ACB: [has stopped reading the script, is just sitting with head in hands]
SMART: [has picked up card] Says here y’all got Georgia head coach Kirby Smart. Hey, I know that fella. Nice guy. Anyways, Brian, I hear you usually just stay in and watch TV.
BRIAN: I like that Big Bang Theory show. Keeps me up on science.
SMART: Well, buddy, I’m gonna expand your cultural horizons. Y’all heard of Young Sheldon? Same fella, just younger. Don’t know how they did it. Some kinda time travel, I figure.
ACB: Can we just end this please
BRIAN: You know, this really has changed my life. Coach Smart has opened my horizons, he’s taught me to love new things, and he’s taught me to love myself.
SMART: And Young Sheldon. Great show.
BRIAN: This is a turning point for me. I’m going to make things happen in this new job. I mean, look at me before:
ACB: Oh I see who it is
BRIAN: And look at me now!
SMART: Handsome fella. Look at that. Buddy’s gonna see a lot of scoring in his future, I bet.
ACB: If past results are any indication, then yes. Anyways, I almost forgot. On a normal episode of Queer Eye, while the other four experts are working on the person, interior designer Bobby Berk is transforming their living space, often engaging in a truly comprehensive renovation of their home.
ACB: Now, obviously, we don’t have Bobby Berk, but I’m cautiously optimistic here. Since the renovations would be ongoing while we did the rest of this, I’m confident that our producers did not hire Georgia head coach Kirby Smart for this part. Why don’t we head over to your house and see who they did get, Brian?
[a few minutes later]
BRIAN: MY HOUSE
SMART: That’s fire. You don’t want that.
ACB: [checking notes] ah yes well this checks out
BRIAN: WHO DID THIS
PAUL JOHNSON: I TOLD YOU I WASN’T DONE WITH YOU TEN CENT UNCLE RICO LOOKIN’ SUMNAGUN.
ACB: I thought you retired.
JOHNSON: I BURN DOWN HOUSES NOW.