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HOW TO SLANDER ANY MARVEL CHARACTER INTO THE THIRD ROUND OF THE NFL DRAFT LIKE A REAL EXPERT

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DUTCH. ELM. DISEASE.

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New York Comic Con
LIMITED VISION. POSSIBLE PERSONAL ISSUES.
Photo by Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

We covered some of it on the Fullcast this week, but just to be sure here’s your expanded cheat sheet on slandering Marvel superheroes into easy third round picks like a real NFL Draft Expert.

SPIDER MAN

Head case, often immature in times of crisis. Undersized, gets knocked around in the run game. Constant financial problems could influence off-the-field decision making. As an orphan, it’s gotta be asked: Does he really understand being part of a team?

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Heard he might be older than he claims. Rumors of substantial PED use. Teams all say the same thing: Does not relate to his fellow teammates of similar stated age. Possible issues with the whole anthem thing. (He might support it?)

Yeah, he can throw a shield — but does he respect one?

IRON MAN

A different player in shorts and a t-shirt compared to when he’s in his pads. Drinker. Comes from money — might be too spoiled to understand THE GRIND. Has too many interests outside football, serious questions from scouts about his heart.

Still has a goatee in 2019. Clarification: Still has a sculpted goatee in the year 2019.

SILVER SURFER

System player. Teams should have serious worries about his loyalties. Where is his penis? Surfing not a good look for potential leadership. (Leaders make waves, they don’t ride them. #grind) Issues surrounding how he presents himself as a competitor: If he’s serious about winning, why isn’t he the Gold Surfer?

THOR

Me-first prima donna with breathtaking family issues. Upbringing as godlike royalty = future locker room cancer. Inherited a lot from his father, something entirely unacceptable and unprecedented in the culture of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Indestructibility hides basic lack of agility. Scandinavian, may have issues playing in the heat.

HULK

Unpredictable, moody. Takes plays — and sometimes entire games — off. Bad with the media, does not respond well to adversity. Frequently nude in public. Smaller hands than you’d think.

BLACK WIDOW

Actually just a normal lady who murders people?

JUGGERNAUT

Literally sleeps with his helmet on. Not smart, morally flexible, hates thinking. Perfect football player, 10/10, first round draft pick in any class, none of this is slander.

BLACK PANTHER

Massive PED issues.

GROOT

Dutch. Elm. Disease

DOCTOR STRANGE

Sorcerer Supreme, but can he read a zone-fire? Money problems, history of substance abuse. As a former doctor will have potential issues with the medical staff in event of injury re: Course of treatment. (Definitely knows CTE is real. ) As a handsome sorcerer with a strong libido and intimacy issues will almost certainly have sex with his teammates wives.

Can’t even commit to death, much less a three year deal with a reasonable signing bonus.

Talks to animals. Might share their unspeakable secrets with teammates! Linemen are not prepared to know that ravens can smell sadness, or that cows know they are food but forgive us. Resulting emotional baggage could cripple a team.

NAMOR THE SUB-MARINER

This note card just says “Swimming too much is un-American”?

ANT-MAN (SCOTT LANG)

Has caught some charges. Undersized, but also sometimes oversized. Ankle monitor slows down speed in the open field.

THANOS

Thick, jacked frame, only seems to be getting stronger. Puts the game ahead of family or self. Perfect sense of balance, limitless power. Perfect prospect, incapable of being slandered out of the first round.