COACHES CORNER: A LIST OF ACCEPTABLE GERMANS TO REFERENCE FOR MOTIVATION

Communication is key in football. That ability to connect is so important in every department of the game, sure, but nowhere more so than in the relationships a coach has to forge with players. Without those relationships, a team is just a group of individuals, and a coach nothing more than a manager of disconnected talents.

Programs searching far and wide for talent across the globe has made that communication learning curve for coaches steeper than it has ever been. Staffs must be able to communicate on an international level, and bridge the gap between not just race and class, but sometimes between entirely different languages and international cultures.

Germany has become one of those international wellsprings of talent for American football recruiters. In the spirit of preventing further cultural misunderstandings and disruptions of team chemistry on your squad, here is a list of Germans to cite for inspiration and motivation when talking with your German players.

FRANZ BECKENBAUER

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Respecting a soccer player might be a strange concept, but if your German talent is going to feel comfortable then you’ll have to walk a little bit out of your comfort zone to make them feel at home. Franz Beckenbauer is a legend as a player and a coach at multiple levels of the game, and also likes beer. Think of him as Steve Spurrier if Steve Spurrier had been a success as a professional player, and also if the Head Ball Coach had possibly been involved in an international bribery scandal.

BOYS NOIZE

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Don’t question it, just accept it: Germans love electronic dance music like coaches love Kenny Chesney and Florida/Georgia Line. While the machine-like rhythms do not translate to equally rhythmic dancing, you’ll need to tap into your German players’ passion for EDM anyway if you want to connect with them emotionally.

Boys Noize is a good act to cite because:

a.) He’s 36, substantially younger than his peers because the average German techno DJ is a 63 year old man on his fourth marriage, and thus substantially more relatable in theory to your players

b.) He partners with American DJ Skrillex in a collaboration entitled “DOG BLOOD”

c.) Both of these phrases are things that sound perfectly normal coming from a coach’s mouth on a football field. DOG BLOOD! BOYS NOIZE! ON THREE! HUTTTTTTT!

STEFFI GRAF

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Use as a motivational synonym for “excellence” or “beating the absolute shit out of someone in competition.” They’ll get it. They’ll get it immediately.

BILLY

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Who is he?

HE IS BILLY

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Is he a singer?

YES BUT HE IS MOSTLY BILLY. GIVE IN TO HIM. GIVE IN TO HIM NOW.

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I mean he’s a musician—

—BILLY IS SO MUCH MORE

Photo by Pietro D’Aprano/Getty Images for BILLY

HE IS THE FAIR BREATH OF SPRING MELTING THE WINTRY FROST OF YOUR HEART

Photo by Getty Images/Getty Images for MTV

HE IS THE RAIN THAT MAKES THE DESERT BLOOM

Is his name always in all-caps

BILLY LIVES IN ALL-CAPS. HIS BULLETINS TO YOUR HEART WILL BE HEARD AND MADE KNOWN.

How can this help someone with their German players?

DO NOT RUN FROM BILLY. HE WILL FIND YOU AND TOGETHER LEAD US ALL TO A SHINING HAPPINESS UNLIKE ANY YOU HAVE EVER SEEN

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BILLY.

GOETHE

Greatest German linebacker ever. All-Saxon first teamer. Leipzig U starter, 1766-68.

GERMANS NOT TO REFERENCE IN ORDER TO MOTIVATE PLAYERS, A LIST WHICH IS REALLY JUST ONE NAME WHEN YOU THROW IN EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH HIM AS BEING A DE FACTO REFERENCE BACK TO THE ONE PERSON ANY IDIOT SHOULD KNOW NOT TO USE IN TRYING TO CONVEY A MESSAGE TO SOMEONE FROM GERMANY, AUSTRIA, ANYWHERE IN EUROPE, OR MAYBE JUST ANYWHERE AT ALL, YANNO, SINCE GENOCIDAL MADMEN DON’T REALLY HIT WITH THE KIDS THESE DAYS OR YESTERDAY OR EVER

Adolf Hitler? Yeah you probably shouldn’t use Adolf Hitler.

Like, at all, ever. Not new Hitlers, and not old Hitlers. Not Diet Cherry Coke Zero Hitlers, either. Just a big ol’ hold on all Hitler references as motivation, or really anything else at all if you can absolutely help it.