TOSH LUPOI: Nick, it really has been an incredible experience working here for the last five years, Alabama’s an amazing organization and I’ve learned a lot. It’s just... after what happened, I feel like it’s time for me to go somewhere more stable.
NICK SABAN: [arms crossed, glaring]
LUPOI: To the Cleveland Browns.
SABAN: Fine. Whatever. Get out.
[Lupoi leaves, door closes behind him]
SABAN: I don’t need him. This whole staff disappointed me. We were out-coached and out-planned in the National Championship Game against Clemson, and it showed on the scoreboard. I’ve finally started to reconsider my strategy of hiring a bloated All-Star roster of big names in the college coaching world. Maybe it’s just too many cooks, and it’s spoiling what I’m best at: being the best danged football coach in the world. Let’s take a look at the departures I’ve had already in the week or so since the Clemson game. Siri, read me the list of Alabama coaching departures.
BUTCH JONES: [has been standing in the corner the whole time] Yes, right, sir, uh, my name’s Butch, again, you don’t have an iPhone, but I’m happy to be here, remember I was the head coach at-
SABAN: SIRI, THE LIST
JONES: Okay, well, offensive coordinator Mike Locksley took the head coaching job at Maryland.
SABAN: Not the first time I’ve had an offensive coordinator go somewhere rife with crabs.
JONES: Haha that’s probably some kind of joke but I don’t get it
JONES: Co-offensive coordinator Josh Gattis went to Michigan.
SABAN: I thought he *liked* going to the playoff.
JONES: Quarterbacks coach Dan Enos went to Miami.
JONES: Offensive line coach Brent Key is now at Georgia Tech.
SABAN: So, almost all of my coaching staff is gone.
JONES: Well, you still have a former SEC head coach on staff, could be a real help-
SABAN: They’re all gone.
JONES: There’s also a few names left on the defensive side of the ball, Craig Kuligowski and Pete Golding-
SABAN: Siri, turn off.
JONES: [hesitates, confused] [steps behind fern]
SABAN: There’s still too many people around here. I’ll never be able to focus on recruiting and coaching the greatest team ever. [thinks] I’m going to go get my lunch, out of the concrete bank vault where I keep it.
[moments later, he emerges]
SABAN: What happened?
JONES: [from behind houseplant] Nuclear war. Everyone’s gone. Except-
SABAN: [smiling] They’re all gone.
SABAN: There’s finally time! Time enough at last! I can develop a gameplan that will beat everyone! The greatest gameplan you’ve ever seen! With fake kicks no one will see coming! There’s finally TIME!
SABAN: Now, where’s that Clemson game tape?
[looks around office]
[sees it up on a high bookshelf]
SABAN: [presses buzzer] can someone come-
SABAN: No. NOOOOO. THERE WAS TIME.