WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT?

It’s been a rough week for the Ohio State football program. After new domestic violence allegations came to light against former wide receivers coach Zach Smith, questions arose about what head coach Urban Meyer knew, when he knew it, and if he acted properly and within the bounds of his contractual responsibilities. Ohio State has placed Meyer on paid administrative leave while conducting an investigation, and it remains a real possibility that the Buckeyes’ head coach could lose his job.

On Monday, a rally formed in front of Ohio Stadium in support of Meyer.

Whoo. That’s a bad look.

Now, first things first: this is about three dozen people standing in front of a stadium that holds 105,000 people, so let’s not rush to paint this group as representative of the fanbase at large. Second, every college program worth its salt can muster of a gathering of aggrieved people willing to defend exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong way. If you don’t think your school could gather a group like this, then your school probably went 4-8 in a minor conference the last two seasons.

But third? I don’t think this is really about Urban Meyer, or the pattern of behavior by Smith. I think this is a group of angry people, working through their own issues, misdirecting their rage in this performative way.

You know what your aunt says on Facebook, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” Let’s zoom in on this photo and discuss some of these private battles!

MARTY FROM REYNOLDSBURG

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Just got the boat all fixed up to head out on the lake; bought a new fishfinder on Facebook marketplace. Turns out it was an old Zune; sheriff refuses to get involved. Started Facebook group to demand recall of sheriff; accidentally gave some teens admin privileges and they changed the group name to “Marty Has Sex With The Fish”. Started a second group to set the record straight, but it doesn’t have as many followers.

BLAKE FROM GAHANNA

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Thought he was buying creatine. Was actually buying non-dairy creamer. Gains disappointing; everything tastes like caramel now.

KEVIN FROM CANAL WINCHESTER

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Was just trying to take Sheila out for a real nice dinner, but there was a two-hour wait at Carrabba’s, and do they even know how much money he’s spent here over the years? This is how they treat a loyal customer? Ended up at the food court at the mall. Some teens were causing a real ruckus, and when he stood up to tell them what for, he spilled Mr. Pibb all over his going-out jeans. Blames Congress.

CLARK FROM POWELL

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Listen, Clark’s just an asshole.

SHEILA FROM GROVE CITY

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Thwarted in efforts to procure elegant coat made of dalmatians.

MARYANN FROM WESTERVILLE

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Heard “Despacito” on the in-store radio at Meijer the other day. Made her uncomfortable. Doesn’t know why they can’t just play Bob Seger.

PAT FROM WESTERVILLE

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Saw Maryann listening to ‘that Dingalingo song’ at Meijer, didn’t think she was into that sort of thing. Doesn’t know why Bob Seger isn’t good enough for her anymore.

MARK FROM PARTS UNKNOWN

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Mark is on bath salts.

DENNIS FROM WORTHINGTON

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Why did beards become fashionable again, but not mustaches? What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned mustache? It’s a lot easier to maintain, and it’s dignified. That fella from Queen had a mustache, and I bet he did great with the ladies! They said try online dating, put yourself out there again, but I’m putting this mustache out here and I’m not catching anything with it. Plenty of fish my ass.

GLENDA FROM LEWIS CENTER

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: There are too many dog breeds these days. What’s wrong with yellow labs? Time was, there were three kinds of dogs, and that’s all we needed. Now everything’s poo this and doodle that and I can’t tell the girls from the boys! And the names! Dogs used to have good, solid names like Biscuit or Princess or Sugar or Martin. The other day I met a dog named Tofu. Tofu! I just don’t think that should be allowed, naming a dog Tofu.

CAROL FROM DUBLIN

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: That girl that Brayson brought home from college sure had a lot of nerve about her. Coming into my kitchen and suggesting I put Greek yogurt in my macaroni salad. Greek yogurt! Listen, sister, I don’t know what they’re teaching you at that college, but if you want to live in Greece right now, be my guest, honey! Brayson’s been eating this macaroni salad long before you sashayed in here and he’ll be eating it long after you scuttle on out! Greek yogurt.

HENRY FROM DELAWARE COUNTY

ACTUALLY MAD ABOUT: Kroger stopped stocking olive loaf.