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THE FRESHMEN

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AS ALWAYS I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR I’M NOT SORRY FOR WHAT I DO HERE

Okay, before we kick things off here, just so we’re all on the same page, I want to show you this tweet, posted by CNN’s Ana Navarro this weekend.

I’ll give you a moment.

All good? All good. Let’s begin.

[SCENE: THE FRESHMEN SECTION OF HEAVEN]

DAVID BOWIE: Wow, what a great jam session we just had.

PRINCE: I agree, it is enjoyable to create art with these kindred souls here on the plane of eternity.

ARETHA FRANKLIN: This really isn’t bad! I might get used to it here.

A GOOSE: I flew into a jet engine.

NEIL SIMON [to Kofi Annan]: No, you see, I wrote Brighton Beach Memoirs. You’re thinking of Paul Simon, the folk singer. He’s still alive.

KOFI ANNAN: I liked your tall friend, the silly one.

NEIL SIMON: Again, that’s Paul Simon.

GOOSE: The jet crashed.

LOUISVILLE’S 2018 FOOTBALL SEASON: What happened? Where am I?

BOWIE: Rad, check out the new guy!

PRINCE: An anthropomorphic bird with teeth. The wonders of the beyond never cease.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: Where am I? It was the first quarter of our opening game against Alabama. We had the ball and everything.

GEORGIA’S 2017 TITLE HOPES: Oh, yeah, that’ll happen.

BOWIE: Everyone’s always a little surprised when they show up here, but you get used to it.

GOOSE: One second you’re just flying along, happy as can be, and then WHAM. You’re sending the 2:48 to Houston into Lake Michigan.

SIMON: Don’t people generally dislike geese? This is a place free of earthy judgement, but I’ve got to say, I’m rather surprised to find a goose here.

ANNAN: Yes, I understand North American geese are quite the spiteful animal. Their reputation is not the kind that you would expect to deliver them to the traditional vision of “heaven”, in the Judeo-Christian mold.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: Listen, there has to be some sort of mistake.

GOOSE: No, it all checks out. I talked to the guy at the gate - heck, I was a little surprised to be here myself. But it’s a funny story, really.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: I mean - okay. Maybe I’ve lost to Alabama. We kind of expected that. But there’s still 11 more games to recover. There’s the whole ACC conference schedule. I can’t come to grips with the fact that my whole season is dead.

GOOSE: So, you see, America had really been struggling for some kind of feel-good news lately. It’s all been politics and nastiness and Paul Simon dying -

NEIL SIMON: I have had a more illustrious career than he has.

GOOSE: And so, when that Southwest jet plunged into the Ohio River, and everyone on board survived, it was a real hero moment.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: It’s not over.

CLEMSON’S 2017 SEASON: Yes it is.

FLORIDA STATE’S 2017 SEASON: It’s best if you accept that early.

ARETHA: Hold on, I thought you said your jet crashed into Lake Michigan.

GOOSE: Oh, yeah. See, the first jet, the Ohio River one, that wasn’t me. That was my buddy Phil. [chuckling] Phil’s a real dick. Loved to hiss at children in the park. That boy could ruin a zoo. Anyways, he crashes flight 48 out of Cincinnati, and everyone’s like “oh, man, this pilot’s a real Sully! This is great!”

ANNAN: I suspect this did not turn out well.

GOOSE: Nope, that dude turned out to be SUPER racist. Took like 20 minutes for it to come out. So now, people who thought we had a nice feel-good story were even MORE bummed out than they were before.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: We can recover. We’ve got Indiana State and Western Kentucky coming up before conference play starts. It’s possible to recover from an early loss and still do big things in your season.

OLE MISS’S 2014-2015 SEASONS: That’s true. Alabama made the College Football Playoff in two consecutive years despite losing to us.

PRINCE: I did not follow collegiate football but even I am aware that the University of Mississippi is out of place in this exalted place.

OLE MISS: Oh, yeah, we just paid off the guy at the door.

GOOSE: Anyways, everyone was super down about Racist Not-Sully II, and that’s when I stepped up and crashed that flight out of Midway.

BOWIE: That was incredibly selfless of you, to sacrifice yourself for the goodwill of humanity.

GOOSE: Oh, no, I was definitely trying to fight the plane. But, the guy who landed this one seemed nice enough, kindly mustache, didn’t get personal in his interviews, and apparently that was good enough to get me in.

LOUISVILLE’S SEASON: I guess that’s it, then. And it doesn’t seem so bad here, I suppose.

ARETHA: It’s actually been quite fun so far.

GOOSE: There’s a beautiful golden pond! But stay away from it. That’s my pond.

BOWIE: We’re about to start another jam session. Would you like to join us?

PRINCE: Here, have a tambourine.

ALABAMA’S 2018 SEASON: What happened? Why am I here?

OLE MISS: [snickering]

ALABAMA’S SEASON: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, NOT THIS AGAIN.

PRINCE: This game, I have come to understand - it can be very funny, in a dry and occasionally biting way.

BOWIE: Like a Paul Simon play.

SIMON: I WROTE THE ODD COUPLE. COME ON.