LET’S WATCH A VIDEO ABOUT 1991’S HOTTEST 5-6 FOOTBALL TEAM: VIRGINIA TECH

This recruiting video was produced by ADVANCED ENTERTAINMENT. Please say they were the Entertainment 720 of Montgomery County, and that the advance for this was spent before they shot a single frame. Tell us the entire story of how ADVANCED ENTERTAINMENT soared to the heights of making $300 cutting a twelve minute promo for the 1991 Virginia Tech football program, and then watched as their dream of making “Die Hard, but set in Roanoke” crumbled as they fought over the cash. We need this whole saga. We need it now.

My god, look at the size of that hat. He’s from Fancy Gap, VA so we’re guessing Frank Beamer probably kept a pistol under all that boxy whiteness there. Nothing big, but like a revolver or something. Enough to keep you leaving an unexpected tussle in a Dollar General on your feet and not your back, friend.

Virginia Tech in this video is an undefeated juggernaut in the making, scoring touchdowns on offense and manhandling hapless opponents on offense. This is inaccurate: The 1991 team went 5-6 in Frank Beamer’s fifth season, ended it by losing 38-0 to Virginia. This video ends with a mid-tempo rock anthem where lyrics state that Virginia Tech is “Virginia’s team!” Video is an amazing format because it can be made to show lies effortlessly.

Video is also an amazing format because it captures 1990s non-metropolitan-canon haircuts with brutal accuracy. Will Furrer, the starting QB for the 1991 team, let Rob Liefeld draw his haircut. This was a bad choice, but still better than letting him draw his feet.

The next year, in 1992, the Hokies posted a 2-8-1 record. That is some painful shit to go through in year six of a coach’s tenure, but it gets so much worse.

First, this man was waiting for everyone in the locker room. He listened to David Allan Coe and fired up Marlboros while riding the exercise bike because “all big engines make smoke.” He had a daughter who knocked out an umpire with one punch in a high school softball game. When the ref woke up and saw this man looking at him, the umpire apologized.

This man would take a bullet for Dale Earnhardt and put one in you for the Intimidator. He owned two movies on VHS. Both were the original Walking Tall.

Second: In six games decided by a single score in the season, the Hokies went 0-5-1, including a 13-13 tie with NC State. The wall says SWEAT BLOOD, and this is honestly the greatest weight room motivational we’ve ever seen since all of this weight and hard work would go into a truly excruciating 1992 season.

Look at Frank Beamer, politely accepting orange juice from a peasant even though he’s got enough juice on his own, thank you very much.

The admins who decided not to fire Frank Beamer may have been real-life mediums and/or Watchers. After that two win season, they won nine games in 1993 and won the Independence Bowl over Indiana.

The Hokies would then win ten games in thirteen of the next twenty seasons. If one of the Virginia Tech people who decided to hold on to Frank Beamer tells you to jump off a bridge, do it. Your fall will be cushioned by a huge pile of money.

Three slightly related endnotes from this outstanding production:

• The “Blacksburg is fun!” pitch in this video is a little shaky. From our viewing, this depicts the lone spot to hang out in the city. In 1991, there was only one flat surface to sit in Blacksburg outside of the university: in the middle of the shower from a local fountain. Citizens and students alike came there to be wet and unhappy, and consider how leisure is never as rewarding as work.
• The tie should exist for NC State only because we feel like NC State is the team that in college football would be good for putting up like, three or four solid ties a year. That just feels like a super NC State thing to do.
• The other thing to do in Blacksburg: This woman randomly accosting students with her complaints! Complaining Marsha was a longtime stalwart of the Blacksburg streets, forever telling strangers about how Dave did this thing the other day, and how Karen at work was out to destroy her! She was a regular presence in the city until 1999, when Karen finally succeeded in her decades-long campaign to destroy Marsha and leave the earth beneath house salted and without flower for generations to come. Memories!