ALL OF THESE COACHES ARE EXACTLY AND PROPERLY RATED

On the heels of yet another scandalous anonymous survey of coaches talking about which of their peers are over- and underrated, we consider the five coaches currently employed at Power Five schools who are — according to real quotes we did not just make up — definitely properly and accurately rated.

PAUL JOHNSON, GEORGIA TECH

• “Will run the triple-option. Defense will be negotiable. Getting sugar in your gas tank after the game will not. Paul’s just gonna do that.”
• “He has one set of plays and one ass. Defend one and kiss the other.”
• “He’s stayed at Georgia Tech this long because he’s digging a tunnel into the Federal Reserve vault across the interstate. When he finishes it and makes his last big score, he’s out of the game for good this time.”
• “When he was at Navy, Paul slapped the Army mule once. Not out of rivalry, just cause he thinks mules need constant slappin’.”
• “Honest recruiter. You’ll never beat him for a 235 pound guard. You’ll never recruit one, either, but give the man his due.”

CLAY HELTON, USC

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• “He’s got a headset and he’s not afraid to wear it.”
• “Wears a hoodie real well. Just outstanding hoodie work, which you need at USC. Fits through the shoulders and everything.”
• “Who?”
• “Which season of American Idol was he on?”
• “I sat in on his quarterbacks meeting once. He told the quarterbacks that if they weren’t going to listen, then he was going to make them listen. Then Clay Helton did something I’ll never forget: He jumped into a tree shredder with “EXCELLENCE” spraypainted on the side and died instantly. I have never met Clay Helton. This is a recording.”
• “Two words: Clay. Helton.”
• “He’s not black, so I won’t instantly attack him for being overrated for some reason. Who knows why someone would do that? It’s a mystery! Who can say, really, why that would happen?”

MARK STOOPS, KENTUCKY

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• “I think of him as the Kevin Jonas of the Stoops family.”
• “Whole name is two verbs.”
• “Seems clean.”
• “Has a 4-1 record over South Carolina, including four straight at this point. This is my favorite kind of joke: A fact.”
• “He’s my kind of coach. Beatable, unless I’m Will Muschamp at South Carolina. Off the record: this anonymous source is not Will Muschamp.”
• “It’s really mind-boggling how one man is seemingly designed to just ruin South Carolina football’s season.”
• “Like, that just seems like a really weird thing for God to make, but who knows, he made invisible worms that live in your nostrils and feed off airborne mite poop, a Mike Stoops isn’t much weirder.”
• “The invisible worms are real. Your doctor will lie to you but they are.”

DAVID BEATY, KANSAS JAYHAWKS

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• “He doesn’t cry in public at all times. I really respect that about him.”
• “Hey remember it took a David to beat Goliath, so don’t write him off. Goliath must have been an FCS team, but still. ”
• “He’s underrated. I don’t know what he’s rated, but he’s won three games in three years. So, that rating should probably be lower or under than what you currently rate him. That is my understanding of the term underrated. His rating should be under his current rating.”
• “I may not understand the term? I am sorry about that. Words are not a strength for me.”
• “This is not Larry Fedora. Delete this part please. Sincerely, North Carolina Head Football Coach Larry Fedora.”

BARRY ODOM, MISSOURI

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• “One time I whispered ‘Barry Odom’ into a seashell and an hour later a waterspout destroyed my uncle’s catamaran.”
• “Barry Odom? [silence] Barry Odom. [eyes glass over] Barry Odom. [smell of brimstone fills the room] BARRY. ODOM. [eyes go black and and flies begin to pour out of the AC vents in the room as the sound of an ancient scraping booms from somewhere in the distance, like the bow of a violin strung with the nerves of a long-dead god strikes the discordant strings of time itself] BARRY ODOMMMMMMMMM-”
• “He’s the kind of guy who’d beat up every child in a CiCi’s Pizza to win a football game. Yeah, even the really rough one. You know, the one over by the lumber yard, the deserted Dress Barn, and the middle school with a mold problem.”
• “I don’t know who that is, and I refuse to learn.”