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WHY THE NEW OLE MISS MASCOT IS GOOD

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TONY DOES A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT INCLUDING SHOWING CHILDREN THE REAL NATURE OF THE COLD, UNFEELING UNIVERSE

By Spencer Hall
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HELLO, THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT AND ALSO IS HERE TO SPEAR YOU IN THE PARKING LOT
  1. Named Tony, after Tony Fein, which rules.
  2. References the Land Shark, an actual Ole Miss tradition that is good and not bad
  3. Tony is a shark that lives on the land, and not a slavery-loving genocidaire who convinced poor white people to fight and die for rich white people’s right to own poorer, unfree black people. That’s cool that we’re not endorsing that too much now.
  4. It’s profoundly silly and mascots should be profoundly silly. A person who wants a mascot with dignity doesn’t understand mascots. They also probably get really upset when someone hears them pooping in a public restroom. Buddy, this is a public restroom, it’s basically a concert hall for the colon. Let your butt play some Wagner if it has to, friend, at the end of the day we’re all just hiccuping tubes with legs.
  5. (I’m going to laugh if it’s really brutal-sounding, though, so stay mad. Can’t chase me with your pants around your ankles.)
  6. Only loves Ole Miss, eating prey for food, and making tackles. Again, is much better than a Confederate colonel, because a Confederate Colonel loves murder, slavery, and doesn’t even like good tackling via bad defense. Why trust someone to run a solid 4-3 defense when they couldn’t even hold Atlanta? SMH.
  7. Won’t go around challenging people to duels because they got owned online like an idiot Mississippi Colonel would. Do you know how much stationery was used in the correspondence and ceremony around dueling and the culture of honor? All because someone said you looked stupid in some pants, or said something factual about them like “he owes me money” or “he’s a racist who supports slavery?” Dueling was not only insane, it was also super tedious in all the formalities. Only an idiot would want to be part of something that involved both murder, making appointments on time, and paperwork.
  8. Made online rage-farmers “mad”, an indication Ole Miss is doing something right
  9. Gave people a great opportunity to dunk on professional assholes
  10. Replaced the Bear, meaning our two pieces of Ole Miss bear gear are now semi-vintage and exactly two cents more valuable today than they were last week
  11. Freed the Ole Miss Bear up to do what it loves, raid dumpsters, poop in cars, and drink out of local shine pots in the woods until it passes out for days on end
  12. Black, soul-dead eyes prepare children for what Ole Miss football will show them about the essential nature of the universe and also Ole Miss football

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