This week, Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer announced a sponsorship agreement with Ohio-based breakfast chain Bob Evans. The new face of the restaurant, Meyer was declared “Head Breakfast Coach” in a press release, one that also announced his new signature dish:
“I know that every winning day starts with a hearty breakfast, so I’m happy to help Bob Evans announce the Everything Breakfast. Just like I expect our players to put everything they have into each game, Bob Evans is doing the same with this signature breakfast which includes three scrambled eggs, Bob Evans fresh sausage, hickory smoked ham, hardwood smoked bacon, tomatoes, cheddar cheese, hollandaise and scallions on a bed of hash browns and served with their new griddled biscuit. Now that’s what I call Nine Strong,” said Meyer.
Wow, that’s quite a team he’s assembled there. But... what is “breakfast coaching” like? I wonder. [strokes chin thoughtfully, stares into middle distance] I wonder
[SCENE: the kitchen of a suburban Columbus Bob Evans]
BREAKFAST COACH URBAN MEYER: Alright, team, huddle up.
BREAKFAST INGREDIENTS: [remain sitting on counter]
MEYER: Now, listen, team, we’ve got a big day ahead of us. There’s going to be hungry people coming in that door, and they’re going to expect the best from you. The absolute best. It’s going to be tough. We’ve got a tour bus coming in. Angsty teenagers trying to get out of the house. And seniors. The seniors are going to ask a lot of you. Are you up to the challenge today?
SCRAMBLED EGGS: Ready, coach!
HAM: We can do it, coach!
BACON: It’s going to be epic, coach!
DARRYL: Coach, I think there’s been a mix-up, I think I’m supposed to be on your other coaching job, I-
MEYER: Now let’s talk assignments. Hash browns! Where are you?
HASH BROWNS: Right here, coach.
MEYER: You’re the foundation this whole gameplan rests on. Without you, we’ll have meat bare on the plate. I need you covering that plate, edge-to-edge. No gaps. Can I expect that from you?
HASH BROWNS: YES, COACH.
MEYER: Cheddar cheese!
CHEDDAR CHEESE: Here, coach!
MEYER: You’re the glue. You’re gonna hold this all together. Bacon, ham, tomatoes - they’ve all got their assignments, but they’re going to be relying on you in the trenches. You’re not going to let your teammates down, now, are you?
CHEDDAR CHEESE: SIR, NO, SIR!
MEYER: That’s what I like to hear.
DARRYL: Coach, can we just have a second, I was recruited to play with the football-
BISCUIT: Yes, coach!
MEYER: Now, you’re going to be off to the side for a while. You’re not going to be in the pile from the start like the others. But you’ll have a crucial role to play at the end of the game - you’re going to need to be there to sop things up. It’s going to mean waiting around, but staying mentally ready. Are you able to maintain that focus? I don’t want you flaking on me.
BISCUIT: [chuckling] Flaking, that’s a good one coach, ‘cause I’m a biscuit, great joke.
MEYER: [is physically incapable of processing humor] Are you able to maintain that focus, son?
BISCUIT: Uh, yes. YES SIR.
MEYER: Now, this next part is going to be tough. Hollandaise!
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE: Yes, coach?
MEYER: Son, I think you know what this is about.
HOLLANDAISE: Coach, I know I’ve had some struggles, but I swear I can-
MEYER: You’ve broken. Look at this, your emulsion is completely off.
HOLLANDAISE: [sobbing] It’s just so hard, Coach, it’s a delicate balance of fat and liquid and heat, but I swear, I can fix it, I just-
MEYER: I’m sorry, son, but we’re going to have to cut you.
HOLLANDAISE: [slinks away, broken]
MEYER: This leaves a real hole in our breakfast. When you’re playing at the level we’re playing at here, people expect the best. Meats, starches, dairy, a token vegetable, yes, but also a delicious sauce on top. But we’ve recruited for depth. No one player is more important than the system. [reads depth chart] Darryl!
DARRYL: ... yes, coach?
MEYER: Now, son, I know this may not be what you were expecting.
DARRYL: Sir, I was expecting to receive an education in exchange for playing football.
MEYER: Son, true champions adapt to the situation they’re given, and we’re asking something different of you today.
DARRYL: I was a quarterback in high school.
MEYER: Lots of people were. Heck, even Tim Tebow was a quarterback in high school. We don’t need a quarterback today, though, son, we need a delicious sauce to top off this 1800-calorie pile of breakfast foods. Now, tell me, son: can you adapt to a new challenge?
DARRYL: I think so, coach.
MEYER: Can you face down your doubts and remain undaunted?
DARRYL: Yes, coach!
MEYER: Can you overcome the odds and do something people said you couldn’t do!?
DARRYL: YES, COACH!
MEYER: CAN YOU BE A CREAMY AND DELICIOUS BUTTER-BASED EMULSION!?
DARRYL: SIR I’M VERY CONFUSED BUT WE’RE SHOUTING AND I’M CAUGHT UP IN IT SO I SUPPOSE YES!
MEYER: GO OUT THERE AND DO IT!
DARRYL: [charges into breakfast, screaming] YAAAAAAAAAARGH
MEYER: The screaming always works.
[ten minutes later]
SENIOR CITIZEN: Waiter, this breakfast doesn’t taste right.