LINCOLN RESIDENT VOLUNTEERS TO BE HUNTED BY SCOTT FROST

The only member of the roster present at every practice in life is Stupid. Never misses a game, always at practice, and always yells “HERE” when the roll is called. Money is not the thing that never sleeps. Stupid is the thing that never sleeps — everywhere, all the time. Stupid is any situation at four a.m. where the only thing worse than the cops showing up to the scene would be the cops not showing up to the scene. Stupid is the only student in life with perfect attendance.

Everywhere includes Lincoln, Nebraska. There are houses one should not burglarize in Lincoln, but then there is the house of the Nebraska head football coach, Scott Frost, which was broken into by the world’s stupidest person over the weekend.

This is such a bad idea among bad idea on several levels: He’s the head coach of the local football team, whatever you steal will be super-easy to spot when you’re trying to fence it, and no one will help you the minute they find out where you got it because crime might sometimes be cool, but stealing from our football team is another.

There’s all that, sure. There’s also Scott Frost looking like he can still run a 4.5 in street shoes and still benching well north of three hundred pounds at the age of 43. He will find you, bandit. When he does he is more than capable of catching you on foot, and then placing you in a wholesome, cornfed headlock for the necessary amount of time.

Doubt him? CHECK THE RESUME.

That’s the only head coach in FBS we know is capable of power cleaning and then carrying an NFL running back. Note: We said “know” not “think”, because on a good day we’re also pretty sure Kyle Whittingham could carry Blount, possibly across the Wasatch with a tumpline attached to a chair holding Blount if necessary. (Tumpline is a deeply underrated thing and word, btw.)

If this weren’t all frightening enough, well, here’s the bonus.

Police said among the things stolen are five pairs of Oregon Air Jordan shoes, two Nebraska Championship Rings, ten Oregon Championship rings, two University of Central Florida Championship rings, and a Wii.

Take Mario Kart from a man and you reap whatever hellish whirlwind you just sowed, burglar. Hope you started running two hours ago. It won’t be far enough.

[extremely Albanian gangster voice] GOOD LUCK.