College Football

THE CFB FAN’S FIREWORKS BUYING GUIDE

FOR EVERY TEAM, A PERFECT, FLAMMABLE PAIRING

By ActionCookbook@actioncookbook Jul 3, 2018, 1:17pm EDT

It’s the 4th of July tomorrow, and millions of Americans will be celebrating by taking to the beaches, lakefronts and recreation areas of this country to celebrate with friends and family, good food, and - of course - fireworks.

Now, you may consider yourself an expert on fireworks already. You’ve bought all the finest things that weird warehouse by the state line has to offer - but have you ever really considered what’s the most appropriate for your lifestyle, your personality, your fandom?

That’s where we come in. The Every Day Should Be Saturday Fireworks Journalism Bureau is here to match pyrotechnics with teams, so you can make the decision that’s right for you and your family.

BLACK CATS

We’ll start with a classic. Loud, repetitive, mildly destructive but not overwhelming - just a good solid workhorse firework. Never going to be the star of the show, but rarely going to leave you disappointed. Works at a constant rate of excellent with one dud per pack, aka the “Iowa State Special.”

OKLAHOMA

2. M-80s

Good for one solid blast. Might blow your finger off. Sounds awesome when thrown into a dumpster. Might make small children cry. Infamous for blowing up bathrooms and drunken accidents involving the loss of fingers.

LSU

3. SMOKE BOMBS

Looks pretty, but awfully boring. Good for a timid constitution. Can run ‘em off in the middle of the day before you get around to the good stuff. Harmless.

INDIANA

4. SPARKLERS

You wouldn’t think this could hurt you until you lose focus and ow ow ow ow shit that burns so much more than I thought it could—

IOWA

5. THOSE ASSORTMENTS YOUR NEIGHBOR DALE SHOWED UP WITH A COUPLE OF YEARS EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE MONEY FOR THEM

“Dale, shit, how much did this cost you?”

“Don’t you worry about that, now watch this-”

[/holds fireworks in ass cheeks]

[/blows off ass]

[/somehow also sets Mississippi State’s house next door on fire]

OLE MISS

6. SNAKES

Slow, quiet. Kinda looks like a turd. You’ll forget about it until you see the stain on the driveway.

ILLINOIS

7. ROMAN CANDLES

Fun to watch all that stuff go up in the air. Great for messing with your friends. Doesn’t really set things on fire like one might think it would? Real pretty, tho.

TEXAS TECH

8. THOSE ‘ROMAN CANDLES’ I BOUGHT IN NEW ENGLAND THAT ONE TIME NOT KNOWING STATE REGULATIONS PROHIBIT FIREWORKS THAT SHOOT STUFF INTO THE AIR SO IT WAS BASICALLY JUST A GIANT SPARKLER AND WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, NEW ENGLAND