FILL THE SLEEVES

Just when you thought #StrengthCoachSZN was over—

AU CONTRAIRE, PAL. COACH FELD FROM OREGON HERE WITH SOME EMPTY SLEEVES. YOU KNOW WHAT COACH FELD HATES? EMPTY SLEEVES. THEY KILLED HIS PA!*

FILL EM WITH REPS. ONE HUNDRED REPS A DAY. ONE HUNDRED FOR THE BICEPS. ONE HUNDRED FOR THE TRICEPS. ONE HUNDRED FOR THE CLOITS AND THE DLOITS. THIRTY-FIVE REPS FOR INTEREST ON THE REPS YOU DIDN’T DO YESTERDAY.

FILL THE SLEEVES. FILL EM. FILL EM WITH ARM MEAT. IF AFTER 45 DAYS YOU CAN STILL MOVE YOUR ARMS OR PUT A SHIRT ON WITHOUT THE SLEEVES EXPLODING OFF YOUR PYTHONS THEN FILL THOSE SLEEVES WITH RARE BURMESE PYTHONS UNTIL THEY DO. DON’T TELL ME YOU CAN’T FIND THOSE PYTHONS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW. THE ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT OF 1973 DOESN’T APPLY TO THOSE WHO FAIL TO LOOK JACKED LIKE JESUS BY SEPTEMBER 1ST.

THOUGH IT COULD APPLY TO YOU BECAUSE: HOW HAVE YOU STAYED ABOVE GROUND WITH ARMS SO PUNY THEY BARELY CUT OFF YOUR OWN WINDPIPE WHEN YOU CROSS THEM? IF YOU DON’T PASS OUT IN SECONDS AFTER CROSSING YOUR ARMS WE DON’T KNOW YOU. WE JUST DON’T AND NOT BECAUSE OF MEMORY LOSS WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR AFTER PASSING OUT FROM BEING STRANGLED BY OUR OWN.

I’MMA CALL YOU PANDA. YOU’RE SLOW, ADORABLE, AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXTINCT BY NOW.

HASHTAG NO DAYS OFF. HASHTAG PANDAMAN. HASHTAG BAMBOO. HASHTAG BICEPTUAL.*

*Seriously tho: We respect the hell out of a strength coach who admits that on top of all the explosive/power performance stuff they do that one essential part of lifting weights is having a pair of impossibly huge arms for no reason besides having impossibly huge arms.