ANOTHER PEACEFUL DAY IN THE LOUISVILLE ATHLETIC PROGRAM

It’s been quiet in Louisville. That’s new, or at least a welcome change following a multi-year run of various scandals, assorted turmoils involving the business and politics of NFL partner, Louisville booster, and noted burnout fan John “Papa” Schnatter, random bureaucratic skullduggeries in the athletic department, and the departure of Rick Pitino following pay-for-play accusations.

Pardon us: Those were federal pay-for-play accusations. They take that gritty soap you only used in shop class to wash off, and even then it still might not get the stink off. Paraphrasing a great West Virginian we met once who drove drunk through an entire United States Post Office one night outside Beckley: “Them’s federal charges. They stick and you don’t want ‘em.”

That all seems to have quieted down. Holding steady as the most surprising bit of the story is the steady, quiet, and unassuming performance of Bobby Petrino, who hasn’t really been a part of any of this despite holding a robust and colorful portfolio of past professional transgressions. The safest bet in Louisville is Bobby Petrino; The 2019 Ferrari 488 Pista is a reliable and affordable family car; The Tibetan Mastiff is the friendliest, least intimidating dog on the block.

Trouble behind them, Louisville can now get on with the business of —

On the May call, Schnatter was asked how he would distance himself from racist groups online. He responded by downplaying the significance of his NFL statement. “Colonel Sanders called blacks n-----s,” Schnatter allegedly said, before complaining that Sanders never faced public backlash.

Schnatter also reflected on his early life in Indiana, where, he said, people used to drag African-Americans from trucks until they died. He apparently intended for the remarks to convey his antipathy to racism, but multiple individuals on the call found them to be offensive, the source said.

— trying to find a way to make their biggest and most visible booster never, ever talk again about anything out loud, and maybe also stop him from doing burnouts in his Camaro at halftime of football games. His name is on the stadium. Please don’t notice that for a while, it would be embarrassing if anyone noticed that.

That part about the burnouts isn’t racist, btw. It’s just a reminder that Papa John has more money than he could ever spend, and the very low peak of his highest imagination in spending that money is burning rubber in front of a captive audience in an old muscle car before throwing hot slabs of his sugary tomato sauce covered floormat-pizza at strangers. Not kinkshaming. Just pointing that out.