URBAN MEYER: BUCKEYE DETECTIVE

[cold open]

COLUMBUS POLICE OFFICER #1: My god, it’s happened again.

COLUMBUS POLICE OFFICER #2: What the hell is this world coming to? Look what they did to this poor bastard.

VICTIM: Hey, I’m right here. They didn’t kill me.

CPD #1: Makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, look at his face. That’s a face that’d make your mother puke in a trash can.

VICTIM: Okay, this is really hurtful, actually, they didn’t do anything to my face, I was reporting a robbery, and-

CPD #2: [staring out over a gritty Columbus, Ohio skyline] This city used to be great.

CPD #1: [joins him in staring at the magnificent skyline, taking in the wonder of it all] Someone needs to clean this place up.

[jazzy, slowed-down saxophone version of “Across The Field” begins]

VICTIM: Are you guys gonna investigate my thing, or-

VOICEOVER: He once had a quiet life, a happy life. A beloved football coach, riding high on career success. Then they killed his partner, and everything changed. Now, he roams the mean streets of Columbus, Ohio, searching for the one title he hasn’t won yet...

... justice.

[INTERIOR: a vape shop called “Time And Vape Shall Surely Show”]

CPD #1: Here he is, Coach. Here’s the sad son of a-

VAPE SHOP OWNER: I’m so glad you’re here, detective. They must’ve come in overnight, through the heating ducts. They took everything. My e-cigs, my Juuls, my flavored liquids-

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: You know, smoking’s bad for you, son.

VAPE SHOP OWNER: I, ah - coach, I don’t know how to say this, but you’re smoking right now.

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: Maybe I’ve got a death wish. Maybe things have changed for me. Maybe once you’ve put your hand into a plate of scrambled eggs and realized that that’s not scrambled eggs, it’s Greg Schiano’s face - maybe you decide there are worse ways to go.

VAPE SHOP OWNER: ...

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: These e-cigarettes...

VAPE SHOP OWNER: Yes?

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: Do you have bubblegum flavor?

[SCENE ENDS]

[EXTERIOR: A PF Chang’s parking lot in an upscale outdoor mall]

GUY IN CROSSFIT GYM SHIRT: -and we came out after dinner and it was gone. This just isn’t the kind of thing you expect to happen when you take your girl out to the nicest dinner you can think of.

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: [looking on sullenly]

CPD #2: Can you describe the car?

CROSSFIT GUY: Yeah, so, it was a 2003 Subaru Impreza WRX... base body color was metallic green, but I’d had my buddy who owns the custom shop do a full body wrap of the my fan art from the movie “Underworld: Awakening”.

CPD #2: [taking notes]

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: There’s a million cars in this city, son, you’re going to have to narrow it down more.

CROSSFIT GUY: Okay, well, the entire front windshield was obscured by a Supreme decal, and I had a pull-up bar put in the back seat-

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: [removes cigar, puts it out on fellow cop’s arm]

CPD #2: Ow

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: I’m going to level with you, son. These thieves, they work quick. In 60 seconds, your car’s gone. In 3 minutes, it’s beyond range to track. In 10 minutes? Son, you’re never going to see that car again. How long has it been now?

CROSSFIT GUY: Well, I reported it missing about 15 minutes after I think it happened, but then you spent the first 45 minutes here just staring eye-to-eye with the big fiberglass horse outside the restaurant, like maybe you thought someone’s soul was trapped in it, I don’t know, I’m just speculating here, but that’s what it looked like, like maybe your partner was dead but you sensed their presence in it- but yeah, so it’s been about an hour overall, I guess?

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: [staring at horse again] Son, that car’s already on a container shop for China, just like the body of Greg Schiano was when I found it.

[SCENE ENDS]

[INTERIOR: warehouse. Three men sit on the ground, handcuffed, next to a closed semi trailer]

CPD #3: These are the guys, coach.

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: Kids, I’m here to talk to you today about the dangers of social media. One day you’re on Facebook, trying to buy some patio furniture from a guy in Reynoldsburg, the next day you’re dead on a container ship to China-

CPD #3: Coach, the elementary school is later. These guys are smugglers.

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: I see. [He puts out his e-cigarette, and throws open the gate of the trailer. It’s stacked to the roof with bricks of white powder, wrapped in plastic. He pulls a knife from his belt, punctures one of the packages, and licks the powder off his knife] Aha. It’s just as I expected.

CPD #3: Cocaine? Heroin? Fentanyl?

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: Pre-workout. These guys are trying to corner the market, keep this from the good citizens of this town. The citizens who need peace. Who need justice. Who need to believe in something again. And yes, who need a little pick-me-up before they try to attack the Filthy Fifty. This pre-workout belongs with them. In their GNCs and VitaminShops, and not in the hands of criminals. That’s what Greg Schiano would’ve wanted. Take ‘em away, boys.

PREWORKOUT SMUGGLER #1: You’ll never stop us, Detective Urban Meyer! We’ll be back on the streets in hours!

DETECTIVE URBAN MEYER: [lights Juul] And so will I.