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JIM HARBAUGH’S RAP BATTLE

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I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS

URBAN MEYER: I still think this is strange. Big Ten Media Days are supposed to be in late July in Chicago, but here we are in early June, in a nondescript warehouse on the edge of town.

JAMES FRANKLIN: I agree that it’s odd, Urban, but that is what the handwritten notes from Jim Delany said.

PAUL CHRYST: Yes, the handwritten notes that Jim Delany left on the hoods of our cars.

MARK DANTONIO: It seemed odd, but I have no reason to suspect anything untoward. Jim Delany just changed the date and location of Media Days, told us to meet in this desolate warehouse, and said to bring no one, and to definitely not notify the police.

KIRK FERENTZ: I am also here.

MEYER: Strange that it’s so dark in this facility, though, you’d think that-

[lights suddenly come on]

[Jim Harbaugh is on a makeshift stage at the head of the room]

JIM HARBAUGH: Y’ALL READY TO RAP BATTLE

CHRYST: what

JIM HARBAUGH: HIT IT, DJ MAC

MCELWAIN, who is now a wide receivers coach at Michigan, in case you missed that: [presses key on laptop] [beat starts] You know, Jim, I can offer more than this-

HARBAUGH: Now listen here all you sucker MCs / recruiting’s a game and it’s pretty mean / but I’m the coolest coach if you ask the teens / they all want to play for the Wolveriiiiiines

EVERYONE: [stunned, disappointed silence]

HARBAUGH: We gotta be dope and show ‘em some fly stuff that’ll / make ‘em want come here instead of, say, Seattle / even though we’re gonna treat them all like cattle / they want a hip coach who can do rap battles

MEYER: Jim, please. This premise doesn’t have to go any further.

HARBAUGH: [grins, turns to face Meyer] ohhhh the first challenger gonna step in the kitchen / my beats is cookin’ and my rhymes are bitchin’ / gonna take this sucka MC Urban Meyer / throw his punk ass in the pizza fryer

FRANKLIN: Pizza fryer?

CHRYST: I think he just got a little flustered trying to come up with kitchen appliances on the fly.

MCELWAIN: No, he fries pizza. I’ve seen it.

HARBAUGH: My flow is smooth like straight Kentucky Bourbon / rhymes like these have to be hurtin’ / you sound like a Pope with a name like Urban / but you’re just a sucker coach like DJ Durkin

DJ DURKIN: I don’t see why this had to involve me.

FRANKLIN: Listen, Jim, I understand what you think you’re doing here, and it probably behooves all of us to just let you keep going like this, but it doesn’t seem fair. Clearly you heard people talking recently about prominent rap beefs, and you decided that this would make you look more appealing to recruits, but they don’t care about that sort of stuff, or trips around the world, or anything, they care about on-field success, and-

HARBAUGH: Uhhhh-ohhhh, it sounds like my attacks are really ranklin’ / now I’m getting lectured by James Franklin / if the players care about wins more than rhymes / then I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I beat you two of the last three times

FRANKLIN: Notice you really had to go off-meter there to work around last year’s 42-13 loss.

CHRYST: Jim, are we about done here? I’ve got a lunch appointment.

HARBAUGH: Ohhh look who showed up here from Wisconsin / gonna impeach his ass like he’s Andrew Johnson / the 17th President of the United States / he started as Abe Lincoln’s running mate [takes deep breath] he took office after Lincoln was assassinated / his postwar policies ended up widely hated / his removal of War Secretary Edwin Stanton-

MEYER: Jim, it seems like you’ve entirely lost the thread here.

FRANKLIN: Yeah, you’re just giving a recap of the Andrew Johnson administration now, you’re supposed to be attacking Paul Chryst.

HARBAUGH: [out of breath, frantic] uh, uh, Paul Chryst, Paul Chryst, look at this guy, he’ll... uh... Salmon P. Chase presided over Johnson’s trial...

MEYER: Here, sit down, sit down. Drink some water.

CHRYST: We can workshop this, buddy.

HARBAUGH: [huffing and puffing]

CHRYST: You could mention the presumption that I’m just a puppet for Barry Alvarez. Or my back-to-back losses in the Big Ten Championship Game.

HARBAUGH: The what?

FRANKLIN: Nevermind that, nevermind that. Listen, you’re doing a good job. Michigan’s a tough place to coach, there’s a lot of expectations, but your recruits aren’t expecting you to be Pusha T. They’re expecting you to be Jim Harbaugh.

CHRYST: [arm around Harbaugh’s shoulder] And we think that’s pretty special.

MEYER: C’mon, buddy. Let’s go get milkshakes. You’ll feel better.

HARBAUGH: I just... I just wanted to win one rap battle.

FERENTZ: Listen, you win some, you lose some. That’s life.

HARBAUGH: [wiping nose] Can I try one more?

MEYER: Of course. We’re all rooting for you, pal.

HARBAUGH: [composes self] I’m gonna drop the gimmicks and the dog and pony show / look at my man here, Mark Dantonio-

DANTONIO: [shoots Harbaugh in the knee]

HARBAUGH: AHHHHH WHY

DANTONIO: [leans over him] [whispers] October 20.