YOU: Hey daddy, there’s a three-star linebacker waffling on his commitment to your rival at the Marathon in Flowood, Mississippi. He’ll be there for ten minutes or so. Maybe fifteen, because place has this chicken spot in the back that serves a spicy/crunchy that’ll set your hair on fire and turn your blood into corn syrup. We can’t guarantee anything, okay?
But get there in the next ten minutes or so with five hundred bucks in cash and some free t-shirts, he might just have a talk with a position coach from your school next week.
Also, you need gas, so don’t park. Go ahead and pull up to one of the pumps and make sure to put the pump on the right side, not the left side, of this here rental car.
THE BAGMAN: say no more