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WHEN A COACH STARTS TWEETING OUT CONSPIRACY THEORY VIDEOS

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THE GALAXY BRAIN, REMIXED

JOINS TWITTER ONCE

No one ever wants to know a coach’s political beliefs for the same reason a chef never asks you about your method of preparing eggs. Chances are, the chef has spent years thinking about eggs: The proteins, the temperatures required, the different heats conducted through different materials, the methods and patience and delicacy required to turn the sometimes finicky, sometimes uncooperative strands of protein into something more than a nutrient goo, and yet less than a sheet of dry, crumbly pebbles of yellow pre-chicken on the plate.

To cook an egg for a chef is to run power as a football coach: Basic, but so much more than that, and indicative of how you do things generally.

With that said: Jesus, Mike. This isn’t even putting the eggs on the plate. This is cracking the uncooked eggs straight on the floor and calling it an omelet. This is...this is letting dad loose on Youtube until he finds Prison Planet and starts asking you questions about “Defending the West.” Just asking! Lightly! What’s wrong with a few ideas, thought you were so open-minded! He will never log off; He will never, ever stop posting.

Seeing this is probably how any coach feels when a non-coach questions play-calling, which is fine. It’s all fine. There is no vengeance online, no correction, no conversation worth having, just the hellish realization that technology was given to people too stupid or dishonest or old to handle it at all or even part of it all at once. It’s fine, it really is, he said, reaching for the remote and a bottle of grain alcohol.

Anyway, no one should ask any coach ever about their political beliefs, ever, just like no coach should ever ask you about the counter-trey. There is only one revenge or comfort or consolation, and it’s usually spelled out in Impact font and shitty photoshops.

That’s right: Memes.

THE PROCESS IS ALWAYS THE SAME

Here’s a blank one for your pleasure. Happy Monday.