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THE MOST IMPROBABLE STAT IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL

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WHILE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN...

Outback Bowl -  Michigan v South Carolina
IT GETS BETTER WE PROMISE
Photo by Brian Blanco/Getty Images

So in the course of writing about an NBA team missing 27 straight three-pointers, two things happened. First, someone wrote us and objected to us suggesting that God would shoot middle fingers at anyone. In fact, they found this quite offensive, and suggested we go to amazingfacts.com to learn more about Jesus.

The note closed with a note of forgiveness. As if we needed that after realizing like we already go to the same gym as Danny Wuerffel? We lift around Jesus three times a week, lady, who’s spotting you? Probably Satan, that’s who. This actually sounds awesome even if he’ll only pull that 300 pound failed bench max attempt off your neck for your soul. Joke’s on him: Signed papers for goods equalling zero in value are worth exactly that, baby, go ahead and take ‘em and get this iron off our neck, please.*

*We’re just...we didn’t sleep or last night or need to eat more protein, yeah, 300 is usually mad light for us, we swear. Yeah, take the next set to 185, just for yanno, volume, not because we can’t easily lift 300 pounds.

The other thing: We tried to think about college football equivalents or cases that at least came close to the level of consistent, cruel failure as a basketball team missing twenty-seven three-pointers in a row. We were stumped for a second. Then in a bitter flash of remembering it all at once, we weren’t.

EVERYONE’S GOT A SPECIALTY

That still happened. If you can think of one instance more statistically improbable and cruel, please let us know, but is going to be so, so hard to beat The Muschamp Exemption here. After all, it’s not even something Will Muschamp teams do anymore: In two years at South Carolina, the Gamecocks haven’t even come close to this level of futility.